M*@&%)*l

Dear Hammers,

Still top of the division, despite the Road Map being slightly rewritten. What do we need at the Hammers? Our previously very impressive defence has just had its homework downgraded to a B minus, and the midfield seems to be back to strength with the return of Matty Taylor (probably not quite up to speed) returned and Jack Collison, who found the net (see below), so I assume that means only the attack is left.

Frédéric Piquionne days are numbered, and John Carew seems to be another Benni McCarthy, only thinner), so up front we’re left with Carlton Cole, who turns it on once in a while. Sam Baldock is not an out-and-out striker, so Big Sam Allerdyce was busy on the transfer market yesterday, the last day of that meat free-for-all, which really did not produce any startling revelations in the Premiership either.

The inevitable rumours of Carlos Tévez coming back to his “English spiritual home” has the usual dusting-off, but this was never likely. Coming to West Ham on six-months’ loan would still be tantamount to saying that the wily Porteño was nearing the autumn of his career, as well as knocking severely any transfer price his dodgy Iranian owners wish for him.

So, who came to the Hammers? Nicky Maynard, that’s who, who we all hope is not related to Bernard. He’s ours now (this means not a loan deal), and his ratio of one goal in every three games for Bristol City is not bad. This means West Ham has a relationship with the Robins that goes beyond David James. Also ours is highly rated (although not so much that they kept him; that said, Utd. refused to sell him to rivals-of-a-sort Newcastle in mid-January) forward Ravel Morrison, who is an attacking midfielder, last year was fined £600 for throwing his girlfriend’s mobile phone through a window (the money fined seems a reflection on how much we cannot cope being without our Androids as it does on his misspent aggression) and in 1928 wrote the short symphony Boléro, which Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean skated to when they won the gold medal for pairs ice skating at the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics—or have I got this last piece wrong? And Big Sam also did his favourite party trick by resigning someone from the darkest place in his closet, that being Ricardo Vaz Te, who played for Bolton (under BS) for seven years but only 75 times; we purchased him from Barnsley, and he’s ours, too. He is still a kid, so perhaps these are the signings BS thinks we also need for next year in the Premiership.

That’s if we do not continue to do Ipswiches.

There have been some players passing these three through the outdoor. Notably, Henrita Illunga, who is mystery. His first season for us in the Premiership I thought he was quite brilliant, and then what happened. He reminds me of Sébastian Schemmel, the French full back that Harry Redknapp signed, and who was excellent before quickly becoming awful. Perhaps the coincidence is that it has been said of both that they are a little “unstable.”

Championship; Tuesday, January 31, 2012; Portman Road, Ipswich, Suffolk

Ipswich Town 5 West Ham Utd. 1

Well, this was not expected, unless you’ve supported West Ham for some time. The fact was that Ipswich have not won in five games, three of which, home and away, they’ve lost 3-1…so of course they destroyed us 5-1. West Ham has not lost to Ipswich at Ipswich since 1989, and it must have been so humiliating, I have yet to find Allerdyce’s comments on it. Well, I mean, what could he say anyway.

I saw we were 2-0 down, and then I got busy at work, and when I came back it was 3-1, so I did not even have the satisfaction of thinking we were clawing our way back when Collison brought the deficit back to one.

The Next Match

Championship; Saturday, February 4, 2012; Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. vs M*@&%)*l

The Hammers need to get their act together for this worrisome fixture. The corresponding fixture at M*@&%)*l ended 0-0, which I thought perhaps the police had ordered, and I do think the travelling M*@&%)*l support have to stand behind a pillar somewhere along Row X. M*@&%)*l are having a torrid time this season, but then again so are Ipswich.

Should I stop making predictions. Okay, I will then…3-0 to West Ham, with some new blood scoring and going into E13 folklore, in much the same way as Freddie Sears did and then immediately stopped doing so. Do you also know that in our head-to-heads against our supposed enemy, M*@&%)*l has won 38 games to our 33. Really?