The Brilliant, The Horrid, and The Restless

March 29, 2012


Dear Hammers,

With only a handful of games remaining, the fans at Upton Park are getting a little restless. Yes, we knew that Sam Allerdyce’s football was never going to be spectacular, but we’re used to a certain type of elegance, and it is just not forthcoming. Actually, very little is forthcoming. At this rate, I will welcome the return of Freddie Sears, who I do not like (I was rebuked last week for bemoaning him, the counter-argument being that he starts very few games, if none, and at least he is an attacking striker, rather than someone like Carlton Cole, who despite a few moments of brilliance, never looks comfortable going forwards).

Seen on many West Ham Websites are lists of Big Sam excuses for drawing games (he’s still better at drawing butter for his lobster), and it is getting thin. In his weekly message, he states that “we hope to get three points this Saturday” (my italics). I want blood and glory and successful tactics and then three points, not a mere suggestion that it would be quite nice. And I did hear the old excuse of injuries being another factor, so I was surprised to see James Tompkins in the line-up against Boro. He played very well. The player many think is missed, though, is Julien Faubert, who has added grit to the team this year. May he come back soon, but there can be no excuses as far as I can see: Kevin Nolan. Matty Taylor. Nicky Maynard. Cole. Mark Noble. Sam Baldock. We have the players that any Championship side would love to field. Our performances do not mirror our players, so is it the system we play? Is it that every side coming to Upton Park play the same way against us, perhaps letting us score early, then wearing us down and then getting an equaliser when the Hammers start to get panicky?

Lastly, we have signed Portsmouth (from whom players are sadly leaving left, right and center, including ex-Hammer Hayden Mullins (although no one is likely to take Tal Ben Haim, another player who played for us)) goalkeeper Stephen Henderson on loan, with a notion of signing him permanently in the summer…more evidence that poor Marek Stech will never play for us. You have to feel sorry for the chap.



Last Matches

Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Elland Park, Leeds, Yorkshire

Leeds Utd. 1 West Ham 1



Championship, Tues., March 20th, 2012; Upton Park, East London

West Ham 1 Middlesbrough 1

It is all becoming rather like that joke about Arsenal, for those of us old enough to remember the 1970s. “You mean to tell me that the team’s name is simply Arsenal? Not, Arsenal 1-0?” This was West Ham’s fourth game in a row where the final score was 1-1, which is not a delicious, continued run of not being defeated, but rather eight points dropped. Helping somewhat is that other results have mainly gone our way, certainly with Reading losing against Peterborough, which as you know are our opponents in our catch-up game. Last night, both Blackpool and Cardiff could only get draws, too. I do not want to tempt fate, but the top two spots are the territory now of just three teams, or is it better to say that the second automatic spot is the territory of just ours and Reading? After correctly predicting Southampton would start to suffer at around Christmas, they have come about-turn, although Championship Player of the Year Rickie Lambert is so central to all their wins. It is also a fact, someone pointed out to me, that West Ham has not won a Tuesday-night game for seven years. Is that home and away? Regardless, it is a stunning fact.



April 5, 2012

Dear Hammers,

At least one New York Hammer was at the Reading game, and she reports that West Ham were brilliant for the first 35 minutes, and then… Apparently, it was horrid, a real horror show. What is it with West Ham at home? This is the first time I can remember where we have been so awful in front of own fans…well, not the first time, but the first time it has happened consistently all season. But we are far from being out of it, and with Blackpool beating Southampton, there remains all to play for. Obviously with only six games remaining, any game is important, but surely our Easter will determine whether we rise on the third day or get spurned for eternity like so many Judas Iscariots. (Good stuff this, isn’t it?) These next two games are important for two reasons: 1) there are two games in three days, which will give us a push to finish strong and at least in second place; and 2) two wins will set things up superbly for a sunny day against Brighton that I will attend in person.

Business manager Karen Brady, who has some book out that I did not read the review of in last week’s Guardian newspaper, says that West Ham’s growth depends very much on us getting the Olympic Stadium, the issue of which remains open. Are there other teams who play in what are national stadiums and have flourished? No, I think is the answer. Queens Park play in Scotland’s national stadium, don’t they, thus I rest my case. I am still undecided about this and am glad it’s not my decision, unless enough of you email Davids Gold and Sullivan and request that this blog’s decision be final. But it does seem odd why Brady also thought it worth mentioning that Big Sam Allerdyce’s job was safe even if we do not get automatic promotion…unless she was asked a direct question. Yes, it’s a lazy journo’s question, I am sure. Gold has weighed into the argument by saying that 70 percent of all Hammers support the move to Stratford. Do they?

I propose my own straw poll. Do you want our club to move? Please email me.

Gold also is “hopeful” we’ll catch Reading. What a pointless thing to say. I’m hopeful that Lionel Messi will come on loan to Upton Park for the remaining six games.

Anyway, I am off to Spain (Valencia and Aragon) for the Easter holidays, which I have not even remembered until I arrived back from 19 years in the States), so when I return we’ll have 78 points and be tearing at the bit to destroy the Seagulls on the 14th.



Last Matches

Championship, Sat., March 31st, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10:00 a.m. EST

West Ham Utd. 2 Reading 4

Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I was at a Wetherspoon’s pub (someone once describes this chain’s pubs as an Arby’s Fast-Food Restaurant with more alcohol) in Bexleyheath saying au revoir to a friend who is off to live in Minnesota (yes, there’s not room for two of us in the States), and was following the game on large screens with seven or eight chaps who were all Hammers, too, and who I did not know. Southeast London and Northwest Kent always has been a hot spot for Hammers fans. Our faces looked ashen as the afternoon grew on, but at least it was Ale Festival week.



April 12, 2012

Dear Hammers,

It’s crunch time, although I am of the belief that probably the only crunch will come if Big Sam Allerdyce accidently trips over one of his ever-creative excuses and lands on a defender. Home is where the heart is, but certainly not where a ménage a trios of points lie…do you know we have not won at home since the Millwall match, where our winner was scored by Winston Reid. When was that? Late January? Early February? That will all change this Saturday, of course, as I am going. It looks like a classic day out in Newham. Meeting at Upton Park tube station, then pie and mash, then a pint down the Anne Boleyn and then a rousing rendition of Bubbles and a 5-0 win to the Hammers against a team who did us no favours in their home match against Reading on Tuesday night.

Last week I asked you what your thoughts were about moving to the Olympic Stadium. A huge “No” was the answer from the many emails I received. Not one of you wants it, not those who live in London, or those who live without. (On a side note, I’ve always loved that word, “without,” in regards to churches in the City of London. In the olden times, parish boundaries might be the boundaries of most people’s lives. In the Medieval era, Ryanair and easyJet did not exist. Anyway, churches inside the parish boundary were called such names as, and I give you an example, St. Thomas in the Liberty of the Rolls, while those not in the boundary were called, another example, Holy Sepulchre Without Newgate. I mention all of this as it seems to me, nonreligious as I am, that West Ham needs all the help it can get in the next four games.)

Anyway, I digress, so some of the comments I received run to:



“I don’t want West Ham to move to the Olympic Stadium. I went to see them play Sunderland at the Stadium of Light a couple of seasons ago. Even with 55,000 in the stadium, the atmosphere was totally flat, and there was an eerie delay between anything happening and the crowd’s feedback reverberating from the back of the stadium.”



“Moving from Upton Park will be the beginning of the end. Madness.”



“I certainly don’t want us to move to Stratford, and I don’t know any fans

who attend Upton Park regularly that want to go, so I don’t know where

the Brady Bunch gets their figures from.”



So, that’s a no then. Thanks for your many comments. And I see that a fans’ organization will hand out ballot papers over the next two home games to seek more response. So I will be an important part of democracy in action. The pressure! As I represent you (sort of; we’ll perhaps not at all), I will vote no to the move, no to weak halftime entertainment.



Last Matches

Championship, Fri., April 9th, 2012; Oakwell, Barnsley, Yorkshire; 12:15 p.m. EST

Barnsley 0 West Ham Utd. 4



Championship, Fri., April 12th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 12:20 p.m. EST

West Ham Utd. 3 Birmingham City 3

Of course we won away from home and drew at home. My idea is to neatly put West Ham’s players’ kit by their boot locker along with a set of crayons and a notebook, because you know by the end of the 90 minutes the whole team will want to start drawing. I know, give them videos of Tony Hart and Rolf Harris (sorry for the obscure references, my American friends), as these were two legendary drawers.

Even with his ridiculous haircut, which even prompted a tweet from ex-Hammer Rio Ferdinand, Ricardo Vaz Te is doing the damage (his haircut looks like something the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would have sported in Season 1 in the hopes of a cheap laugh), and he scored the equalizing penalty against Birmingham, as Mark Noble had already been substituted. We even could have snatched that game, but you knew that was not going to happen.



Next Matches

Championship, Sat., April 14th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10:00 a.m. EST

West Ham Utd. vs. Brighton & Hove Albion

I am not known for my maths prowess, but this is what has to happen. Either Southampton or Reading has to mess up. That’s not rocket science. Is it to be Reading? I rather think so.



Southampton vs. Reading

West Ham Utd. vs. Brighton & Hove Albion

Bristol City vs. West Ham Utd.

Peterborough vs. Southampton

Reading vs. Nottingham Forest

Reading vs. Crystal Palace

Middlesbrough vs. Southampton

Leicester vs. West Ham Utd.

Birmingham vs. Reading

Southampton vs. Coventry City

West Ham Utd. vs. Hull City



The last three games all take place on the last day of the season, with a kickoff at the same hour. It might be the Birmingham-Reading game that gives us what we need to catch up, that is, if we hope for a Southampton win against Reading in the first game on the list, and the notion that we want the Saints to get top spot, us being happy with second. That said, Peterborough are useful, but I assume we would not care if Southampton lost in any game apart from the Reading one. We have a goal difference of only two fewer than Reading, but 11 fewer than Southampton, so that is another point in hoping Reading will be the ones to fall. Of course this all depends on us winning our two games at home. Are my calculations correct? Please weigh in.