March 29, 2012
Dear Hammers,
With only a handful of games remaining, the fans at Upton Park are getting a little restless. Yes, we knew that Sam Allerdyce’s football was never going to be spectacular, but we’re used to a certain type of elegance, and it is just not forthcoming. Actually, very little is forthcoming. At this rate, I will welcome the return of Freddie Sears, who I do not like (I was rebuked last week for bemoaning him, the counter-argument being that he starts very few games, if none, and at least he is an attacking striker, rather than someone like Carlton Cole, who despite a few moments of brilliance, never looks comfortable going forwards).
Seen on many West Ham Websites are lists of Big Sam excuses for drawing games (he’s still better at drawing butter for his lobster), and it is getting thin. In his weekly message, he states that “we hope to get three points this Saturday” (my italics). I want blood and glory and successful tactics and then three points, not a mere suggestion that it would be quite nice. And I did hear the old excuse of injuries being another factor, so I was surprised to see James Tompkins in the line-up against Boro. He played very well. The player many think is missed, though, is Julien Faubert, who has added grit to the team this year. May he come back soon, but there can be no excuses as far as I can see: Kevin Nolan. Matty Taylor. Nicky Maynard. Cole. Mark Noble. Sam Baldock. We have the players that any Championship side would love to field. Our performances do not mirror our players, so is it the system we play? Is it that every side coming to Upton Park play the same way against us, perhaps letting us score early, then wearing us down and then getting an equaliser when the Hammers start to get panicky?
Lastly, we have signed Portsmouth (from whom players are sadly leaving left, right and center, including ex-Hammer Hayden Mullins (although no one is likely to take Tal Ben Haim, another player who played for us)) goalkeeper Stephen Henderson on loan, with a notion of signing him permanently in the summer…more evidence that poor Marek Stech will never play for us. You have to feel sorry for the chap.
Last Matches
Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Elland Park, Leeds, Yorkshire
Leeds Utd. 1 West Ham 1
Championship, Tues., March 20th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 1 Middlesbrough 1
It is all becoming rather like that joke about Arsenal, for those of us old enough to remember the 1970s. “You mean to tell me that the team’s name is simply Arsenal? Not, Arsenal 1-0?” This was West Ham’s fourth game in a row where the final score was 1-1, which is not a delicious, continued run of not being defeated, but rather eight points dropped. Helping somewhat is that other results have mainly gone our way, certainly with Reading losing against Peterborough, which as you know are our opponents in our catch-up game. Last night, both Blackpool and Cardiff could only get draws, too. I do not want to tempt fate, but the top two spots are the territory now of just three teams, or is it better to say that the second automatic spot is the territory of just ours and Reading? After correctly predicting Southampton would start to suffer at around Christmas, they have come about-turn, although Championship Player of the Year Rickie Lambert is so central to all their wins. It is also a fact, someone pointed out to me, that West Ham has not won a Tuesday-night game for seven years. Is that home and away? Regardless, it is a stunning fact.
April 5, 2012
Dear Hammers,
At least one New York Hammer was at the Reading game, and she reports that West Ham were brilliant for the first 35 minutes, and then… Apparently, it was horrid, a real horror show. What is it with West Ham at home? This is the first time I can remember where we have been so awful in front of own fans…well, not the first time, but the first time it has happened consistently all season. But we are far from being out of it, and with Blackpool beating Southampton, there remains all to play for. Obviously with only six games remaining, any game is important, but surely our Easter will determine whether we rise on the third day or get spurned for eternity like so many Judas Iscariots. (Good stuff this, isn’t it?) These next two games are important for two reasons: 1) there are two games in three days, which will give us a push to finish strong and at least in second place; and 2) two wins will set things up superbly for a sunny day against Brighton that I will attend in person.
Business manager Karen Brady, who has some book out that I did not read the review of in last week’s Guardian newspaper, says that West Ham’s growth depends very much on us getting the Olympic Stadium, the issue of which remains open. Are there other teams who play in what are national stadiums and have flourished? No, I think is the answer. Queens Park play in Scotland’s national stadium, don’t they, thus I rest my case. I am still undecided about this and am glad it’s not my decision, unless enough of you email Davids Gold and Sullivan and request that this blog’s decision be final. But it does seem odd why Brady also thought it worth mentioning that Big Sam Allerdyce’s job was safe even if we do not get automatic promotion…unless she was asked a direct question. Yes, it’s a lazy journo’s question, I am sure. Gold has weighed into the argument by saying that 70 percent of all Hammers support the move to Stratford. Do they?
I propose my own straw poll. Do you want our club to move? Please email me.
Gold also is “hopeful” we’ll catch Reading. What a pointless thing to say. I’m hopeful that Lionel Messi will come on loan to Upton Park for the remaining six games.
Anyway, I am off to Spain (Valencia and Aragon) for the Easter holidays, which I have not even remembered until I arrived back from 19 years in the States), so when I return we’ll have 78 points and be tearing at the bit to destroy the Seagulls on the 14th.
Last Matches
Championship, Sat., March 31st, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10:00 a.m. EST
West Ham Utd. 2 Reading 4
Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I was at a Wetherspoon’s pub (someone once describes this chain’s pubs as an Arby’s Fast-Food Restaurant with more alcohol) in Bexleyheath saying au revoir to a friend who is off to live in Minnesota (yes, there’s not room for two of us in the States), and was following the game on large screens with seven or eight chaps who were all Hammers, too, and who I did not know. Southeast London and Northwest Kent always has been a hot spot for Hammers fans. Our faces looked ashen as the afternoon grew on, but at least it was Ale Festival week.
April 12, 2012
Dear Hammers,
It’s crunch time, although I am of the belief that probably the only crunch will come if Big Sam Allerdyce accidently trips over one of his ever-creative excuses and lands on a defender. Home is where the heart is, but certainly not where a ménage a trios of points lie…do you know we have not won at home since the Millwall match, where our winner was scored by Winston Reid. When was that? Late January? Early February? That will all change this Saturday, of course, as I am going. It looks like a classic day out in Newham. Meeting at Upton Park tube station, then pie and mash, then a pint down the Anne Boleyn and then a rousing rendition of Bubbles and a 5-0 win to the Hammers against a team who did us no favours in their home match against Reading on Tuesday night.
Last week I asked you what your thoughts were about moving to the Olympic Stadium. A huge “No” was the answer from the many emails I received. Not one of you wants it, not those who live in London, or those who live without. (On a side note, I’ve always loved that word, “without,” in regards to churches in the City of London. In the olden times, parish boundaries might be the boundaries of most people’s lives. In the Medieval era, Ryanair and easyJet did not exist. Anyway, churches inside the parish boundary were called such names as, and I give you an example, St. Thomas in the Liberty of the Rolls, while those not in the boundary were called, another example, Holy Sepulchre Without Newgate. I mention all of this as it seems to me, nonreligious as I am, that West Ham needs all the help it can get in the next four games.)
Anyway, I digress, so some of the comments I received run to:
“I don’t want West Ham to move to the Olympic Stadium. I went to see them play Sunderland at the Stadium of Light a couple of seasons ago. Even with 55,000 in the stadium, the atmosphere was totally flat, and there was an eerie delay between anything happening and the crowd’s feedback reverberating from the back of the stadium.”
“Moving from Upton Park will be the beginning of the end. Madness.”
“I certainly don’t want us to move to Stratford, and I don’t know any fans
who attend Upton Park regularly that want to go, so I don’t know where
the Brady Bunch gets their figures from.”
So, that’s a no then. Thanks for your many comments. And I see that a fans’ organization will hand out ballot papers over the next two home games to seek more response. So I will be an important part of democracy in action. The pressure! As I represent you (sort of; we’ll perhaps not at all), I will vote no to the move, no to weak halftime entertainment.
Last Matches
Championship, Fri., April 9th, 2012; Oakwell, Barnsley, Yorkshire; 12:15 p.m. EST
Barnsley 0 West Ham Utd. 4
Championship, Fri., April 12th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 12:20 p.m. EST
West Ham Utd. 3 Birmingham City 3
Of course we won away from home and drew at home. My idea is to neatly put West Ham’s players’ kit by their boot locker along with a set of crayons and a notebook, because you know by the end of the 90 minutes the whole team will want to start drawing. I know, give them videos of Tony Hart and Rolf Harris (sorry for the obscure references, my American friends), as these were two legendary drawers.
Even with his ridiculous haircut, which even prompted a tweet from ex-Hammer Rio Ferdinand, Ricardo Vaz Te is doing the damage (his haircut looks like something the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would have sported in Season 1 in the hopes of a cheap laugh), and he scored the equalizing penalty against Birmingham, as Mark Noble had already been substituted. We even could have snatched that game, but you knew that was not going to happen.
Next Matches
Championship, Sat., April 14th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10:00 a.m. EST
West Ham Utd. vs. Brighton & Hove Albion
I am not known for my maths prowess, but this is what has to happen. Either Southampton or Reading has to mess up. That’s not rocket science. Is it to be Reading? I rather think so.
Southampton vs. Reading
West Ham Utd. vs. Brighton & Hove Albion
Bristol City vs. West Ham Utd.
Peterborough vs. Southampton
Reading vs. Nottingham Forest
Reading vs. Crystal Palace
Middlesbrough vs. Southampton
Leicester vs. West Ham Utd.
Birmingham vs. Reading
Southampton vs. Coventry City
West Ham Utd. vs. Hull City
The last three games all take place on the last day of the season, with a kickoff at the same hour. It might be the Birmingham-Reading game that gives us what we need to catch up, that is, if we hope for a Southampton win against Reading in the first game on the list, and the notion that we want the Saints to get top spot, us being happy with second. That said, Peterborough are useful, but I assume we would not care if Southampton lost in any game apart from the Reading one. We have a goal difference of only two fewer than Reading, but 11 fewer than Southampton, so that is another point in hoping Reading will be the ones to fall. Of course this all depends on us winning our two games at home. Are my calculations correct? Please weigh in.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Indoor Footy, No Gear, No Problem
Dear Hammers,
March 1, 2012
I am heartened by the good wishes I receive regarding this blog-type thing about West Ham (“there’s West Ham, and there’s everyone else”), and I plan on continuing it. In this electronic world, there really is not address, but the writer of this—that would be me—is moving from New York City after 19 excellent years and heading back to his native London. At the moment it feels quite odd. I will miss many.
Last night I played my last indoor footy game with a group of mates, and I said, well, I want to play, but all my gear has been shipped out already. No problems, one of them said, just bring a pair of shoes, I have everything else…he did, which was most kind, but it was a full, top-to-bottom Portsmouth kit. Normally in our five- or six-a-side games, I am happy if I contribute well and perhaps score a goal or two, but last night—and I do not think anyone was being particularly nice as I was leaving—I was on fire and scored 11. That’s one more than 10! Of course, my mate said this was because I was dressed in full Pompey, which is a distressing thought. Usually I wear a navy or claret n’ blue Hammers shirt, and then the goals do not flow.
More direct West Ham information. The disappointing England friendly against the Netherlands had several Hammers connections. The new captain of England was Scott Parker, and I thought he played well in an England team that looked good without being impressive, and the caretaker manager was Stuart Pearce. Daniel Sturridge has had nothing to do with West Ham, and he missed a sitter that my gerbil would have scored. And even when we equalised, you had the sense that it would go pear-shaped, and Everton’s Leighton Baines must carry a little blame for not closing down Arjen Robben, who simply must not be allowed space.
Henri Lansbury scored a stunning, curled goal in the Under 21’s game against Belgium (why did the senior team play Holland, but the youngsters, the next-door nation?), which some are saying was an intended cross gone haywire.
More direct news, and there’s not much: Winston Reid was in action last night for New Zealand (hoe much flying was that?), and might have picked up an injury, doubtful for the Cardiff game on Sunday (when I’ll be in Merry Olde).
Last Match
Championship, Sat., February 25th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 0 Crystal Palace 0
A fair result. Both teams could have nipped it. Manager Sam Allerdyce said that maybe it was an error of judgement on his part to field the same team that so impressively beat Blackpool 1-5, as they had played quite often in the last fortnight, and Palace had not. All in all, this was a game to forget, and Southampton used our mediocrity to jump back over us at the top of the Championship. We have a game in hand. Against Peterborough, I believe. Sam Baldock had the best two chances, minutes after coming on as a substitute, but Palace’s Argentine goalkeeper, Julián Speroni was impressive, as was our Robert Green, who saved brilliantly after a Palace shot deflected off James Tomkins. I felt that we were a team reborn when Carlton Cole came on as another substitute. He holds the ball so well, but he still seems to lack that killer instinct for goal. He needs one more for 10 for the season, which as I am sure you’ve realised already is one less than I scored just in last evening.
Next Match
Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales; 7:45 a.m.
This is a huge game for the Hammers, against a team still looking to get into the play-offs, if not get an automatic promotion place, and more importantly, we do not want Cardiff to join Ipswich in being the second Championship team to get a season double over us. It’s been a while since we played them, losing 0-1 in the season’s opener. I assume as this is a Sunday game, it was always scheduled as such, or was it because Cardiff had such an impressive League Cup run, losing in the final in much the same way—it’s been pointed out by many—that West Ham lost to Liverpool on that day that will not be said out loud back in 2006.
Dear Hammers,
March 8, 2012
I am looking out over the red-brick houses of Sydenham, Southeast London, as they rise towards the leafy confines of Sydenham Woods and Dulwich. The sky is blue. Yesterday was the usual English weather of hope punctuated by despond. So far since I moved back, the Hammers have gained four points out of six.
I can run to Crystal Palace in 10 minutes, but why would one want to? Actually, Selhurst Park, Screaming Alice’s home ground, is a little farther away, so the park at CP remains terra cognita. When I was young, we used to travel up from the outer reaches of London, by Kent, to stand on the only 10-metre diving board in the whole of London and contemplate whether we’d chuck ourselves off. Finally, we got the courage, which is more than I can say about going to CP to watch them play “football.”
My plan is to sort myself out, get a routine (not that that is something especially to aspire to) and then see if I can get a ticket for the Hammers. Some of you are based in London, I know; most are in New York City. As far as differences are concerned, 19 years after leaving Blighty, well, transport is expensive, bread and milk are not; in two decades, I never got used to pay $5 for a decent loaf in Manhattan, one with fibre and husk and goodness, not the white, spongy crap…anyway, blah, blah, blah.
West Ham news: Kevin Nolan is back and needed; Frédéric Piquionne has been shipped out to Championship strugglers Doncaster Rovers and scored a goal (of course) in his debut there. Apparently, according to Monsieur Piquionne, Donky will survive, as he regards himself as a warrior. Did he ever for us? He was born in Noumeia, the capital of the French overseas possession New Caledonia, which has had a guerrilla movement for nigh on 30 years, so maybe he is one. Presumably he’ll not be able to play in our next game, which is against his new team, Marek Stech also was shipped out to Leyton Orient on loan, perhaps because we do not want to pay Sparta Prague in the Czech Republic $1,000,000 if he plays a couple of more games for us, as I reported a couple of weeks ago.
One—or two—other things I’ve noticed about England. The first two writers in the Guardian’s weekend magazine write about absolutely nothing. The first: “the electricity bill arrived on Tuesday. Have you ever noticed…”; the second, “my father put raisins in the apple crumble…right there, life as I knew changed forever…” Sad stuff.
Last Matches
Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales
Cardiff City 0 West Ham 2
Championship, Wed., March 7th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 1 Watford 1
The Cardiff win was one of our best results of the season, most notable for George McCartney adding himself to that lengthy West Ham personnel list of scorers. Is there anyone who plays for West Ham who hasn’t scored this season? Rob Green, perhaps. And his goal was a one-person dribble act, running along the left wing, cutting in, nutmegging and getting back on the rebound to score across the face of goal. By George, it were a gooden!
Of course it would not be the Hammers if that epic win was not followed by underperforming disaster. At least Ricardo Vaz Te spared us from blushes in the last few minutes. Two of the chaps I played football with weekly in New York, Henry and John, both support Watford, so I did not want them emailing me, telling me that I should have stayed in Manhattan and not have to go home to confront them beating us. Watford’s goalie is a Manchester Utd. loanee, by the way, so he is probably very good.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10 a.m. EST
West Ham Utd. vs. Doncaster Rovers
The Hammers are going through a little bad patch of bad home form of late, only picking up single points against both Elton John’s Boys 1st XI and Screaming Alice, so we have to put that right with a comprehensive win against basement boys Doncaster. My prediction: 4-1 to West Ham.
Dear Hammers,
March 15, 2012
Third! We’re in third!! How did this happen? On who’s watch did this happen, more to the point? Reading jumped over us with a draw against the team we came unstuck against, Doncaster (see below), but we must thank Donny for taking two points away from the Royals, even when we bemoaned them for doing the same to us. This still means I have a non-losing streak since moving to England, but a much tougher test of things will come against Leeds (also see below), I feel.
In news, well, there is great news in that Freddie Sears says he wants to see the season out at Colchester. My only question is, Is this far enough away? Doesn’t Carlisle also start with a C, or Cowdenbeath? As you know, I have never been a fan of his, seeing him as cut from the same cloth as Junior Stanislas and Zavon Hines, the kind of footballers that if they had to wear a monocle would line the lens rim with faux leopard fur. Here’s a question to illicit some disagreement. Who in your opinion is the worst striker the Hammers have ever had, with the proviso that you cannot pick Iain Dowie. I still have nightmares about Iain Dowie, but I am sure I am not alone in that.
As I looked at the team sheet against Doncaster, I said to myself, I said, Who’s this Collins chappie? Initially, I though James Collins had returned, a reason for celebration all around. But no. Did you see we picked up Stoke City’s Danny Collins on loan for the year? I guess Big Sam Allerdyce wanted some muscle in the middle, what with Matty Taylor bouncing up and down with injury and Kevin Nolan bouncing up and down with suspension.
And in possible but unlikely transfer rumour-news, West Ham might be securing the services of Chelsea midfielder Salomon Kalou, who’ll be a free agent at the end of the season. His wage requirements might be the sticking point, and, of course, whether West Ham gets promoted, I imagine.
Last Match
Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Park, East London
West Ham 1 Doncaster Rovers 1
A huge disappointment, and what Big Sam can do to rally the troops will determine his season. One again we drop points at home, and once again we score a goal within the first 10 minutes only not to be able to repeat the trick for the final 9/10ths of the game. Doncaster has had a little bit of a resurgence of late, but still, we should never have lost. I for one do not want to go into the play-offs, I want automatic promotion, something we have never achieved, in case you didn’t know.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 11 a.m. EST
Leeds Utd. vs West Ham Utd…………………..**** note the start time in NYC (EST summer hours daylight thingymagig or whatever it’s called ****
Yet more agony! No, I do not propose that we will lose. We will not, we will win, but in order to see those three points firmly in the collection plate, we do all have to look at Neil Warnock’s ugly boat race for another 90-plus minutes. As you know, Warnock is a bore and detests West Ham for cheating, stealing, lying, misrepresenting, faking, bullying and, most of all, surviving. Warnock has since those heady Carlos Tévez days had a string of disastrous lifestyle choices at Crystal Palace and Queens Park Rangers, and did you also know that Warnock has managed almost as many clubs (13) as West Ham have had managers (14), which is rubbish, inn’t? It’s as Oscar Wilde said, Loosing one top-flight football club is unfortunate, losing 12 is foolish.” Or maybe he didn’t say that in exactly those worlds, but I think it is what he meant. Didn’t he go to Reading Jail, or Gaol, so he must be keenly looking at the Championship race this season, even from his grave in Paris.
West Ham does incredibly well on the road, against all footballing logic, as we have only done so-so at home. This is the game that marks our season, my friends….! Go down Legends at start roaring!!!!!
Dear Hammers,
March 22, 2012
With only a handful of games remaining, the fans at Upton Park are getting a little restless. Yes, we knew that Sam Allerdyce’s football was never going to be spectacular, but we’re used to a certain type of elegance, and it is just not forthcoming. Actually, very little is forthcoming. At this rate, I will welcome the return of Freddie Sears, who I do not like (I was rebuked last week for bemoaning him, the counter-argument being that he starts very few games, if none, and at least he is an attacking striker, rather than someone like Carlton Cole, who despite a few moments of brilliance, never looks comfortable going forwards).
Seen on many West Ham Websites are lists of Big Sam excuses for drawing games (he’s still better at drawing butter for his lobster), and it is getting thin. In his weekly message, he states that “we hope to get three points this Saturday” (my italics). I want blood and glory and successful tactics and then three points, not a mere suggestion that it would be quite nice. And I did hear the old excuse of injuries being another factor, so I was surprised to see James Tompkins in the line-up against Boro. He played very well. The player many think is missed, though, is Julien Faubert, who has added grit to the team this year. May he come back soon, but there can be no excuses as far as I can see: Kevin Nolan. Matty Taylor. Nicky Maynard. Cole. Mark Noble. Sam Baldock. We have the players that any Championship side would love to field. Our performances do not mirror our players, so is it the system we play? Is it that every side coming to Upton Park play the same way against us, perhaps letting us score early, then wearing us down and then getting an equaliser when the Hammers start to get panicky?
Lastly, we have signed Portsmouth (from whom players are sadly leaving left, right and center, including ex-Hammer Hayden Mullins (although no one is likely to take Tal Ben Haim, another player who played for us)) goalkeeper Stephen Henderson on loan, with a notion of signing him permanently in the summer…more evidence that poor Marek Stech will never play for us. You have to feel sorry for the chap.
Last Matches
Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Elland Park, Leeds, Yorkshire
Leeds Utd. 1 West Ham 1
Championship, Tues., March 20th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 1 Middlesbrough 1
It is all becoming rather like that joke about Arsenal, for those of us old enough to remember the 1970s. “You mean to tell me that the team’s name is simply Arsenal? Not, Arsenal 1-0?” This was West Ham’s fourth game in a row where the final score was 1-1, which is not a delicious, continued run of not being defeated, but rather eight points dropped. Helping somewhat is that other results have mainly gone our way, certainly with Reading losing against Peterborough, which as you know are our opponents in our catch-up game. Last night, both Blackpool and Cardiff could only get draws, too. I do not want to tempt fate, but the top two spots are the territory now of just three teams, or is it better to say that the second automatic spot is the territory of just ours and Reading? After correctly predicting Southampton would start to suffer at around Christmas, they have come about-turn, although Championship Player of the Year Rickie Lambert is so central to all their wins. It is also a fact, someone pointed out to me, that West Ham has not won a Tuesday-night game for seven years. Is that home and away? Regardless, it is a stunning fact.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 24th, 2012; Turf Moor, Burnley, Lancashire; 11 a.m. EST
Burnley vs. West Ham Utd.
I will stop making predictions. And certainly I am not going to predict a 1-1 score line. The clocks go forwards the one hour here in the UK on Sunday, so this game will be at 11 a.m. EST, while the games going on from that will be back to the usual five-hour time difference.
March 1, 2012
I am heartened by the good wishes I receive regarding this blog-type thing about West Ham (“there’s West Ham, and there’s everyone else”), and I plan on continuing it. In this electronic world, there really is not address, but the writer of this—that would be me—is moving from New York City after 19 excellent years and heading back to his native London. At the moment it feels quite odd. I will miss many.
Last night I played my last indoor footy game with a group of mates, and I said, well, I want to play, but all my gear has been shipped out already. No problems, one of them said, just bring a pair of shoes, I have everything else…he did, which was most kind, but it was a full, top-to-bottom Portsmouth kit. Normally in our five- or six-a-side games, I am happy if I contribute well and perhaps score a goal or two, but last night—and I do not think anyone was being particularly nice as I was leaving—I was on fire and scored 11. That’s one more than 10! Of course, my mate said this was because I was dressed in full Pompey, which is a distressing thought. Usually I wear a navy or claret n’ blue Hammers shirt, and then the goals do not flow.
More direct West Ham information. The disappointing England friendly against the Netherlands had several Hammers connections. The new captain of England was Scott Parker, and I thought he played well in an England team that looked good without being impressive, and the caretaker manager was Stuart Pearce. Daniel Sturridge has had nothing to do with West Ham, and he missed a sitter that my gerbil would have scored. And even when we equalised, you had the sense that it would go pear-shaped, and Everton’s Leighton Baines must carry a little blame for not closing down Arjen Robben, who simply must not be allowed space.
Henri Lansbury scored a stunning, curled goal in the Under 21’s game against Belgium (why did the senior team play Holland, but the youngsters, the next-door nation?), which some are saying was an intended cross gone haywire.
More direct news, and there’s not much: Winston Reid was in action last night for New Zealand (hoe much flying was that?), and might have picked up an injury, doubtful for the Cardiff game on Sunday (when I’ll be in Merry Olde).
Last Match
Championship, Sat., February 25th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 0 Crystal Palace 0
A fair result. Both teams could have nipped it. Manager Sam Allerdyce said that maybe it was an error of judgement on his part to field the same team that so impressively beat Blackpool 1-5, as they had played quite often in the last fortnight, and Palace had not. All in all, this was a game to forget, and Southampton used our mediocrity to jump back over us at the top of the Championship. We have a game in hand. Against Peterborough, I believe. Sam Baldock had the best two chances, minutes after coming on as a substitute, but Palace’s Argentine goalkeeper, Julián Speroni was impressive, as was our Robert Green, who saved brilliantly after a Palace shot deflected off James Tomkins. I felt that we were a team reborn when Carlton Cole came on as another substitute. He holds the ball so well, but he still seems to lack that killer instinct for goal. He needs one more for 10 for the season, which as I am sure you’ve realised already is one less than I scored just in last evening.
Next Match
Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales; 7:45 a.m.
This is a huge game for the Hammers, against a team still looking to get into the play-offs, if not get an automatic promotion place, and more importantly, we do not want Cardiff to join Ipswich in being the second Championship team to get a season double over us. It’s been a while since we played them, losing 0-1 in the season’s opener. I assume as this is a Sunday game, it was always scheduled as such, or was it because Cardiff had such an impressive League Cup run, losing in the final in much the same way—it’s been pointed out by many—that West Ham lost to Liverpool on that day that will not be said out loud back in 2006.
Dear Hammers,
March 8, 2012
I am looking out over the red-brick houses of Sydenham, Southeast London, as they rise towards the leafy confines of Sydenham Woods and Dulwich. The sky is blue. Yesterday was the usual English weather of hope punctuated by despond. So far since I moved back, the Hammers have gained four points out of six.
I can run to Crystal Palace in 10 minutes, but why would one want to? Actually, Selhurst Park, Screaming Alice’s home ground, is a little farther away, so the park at CP remains terra cognita. When I was young, we used to travel up from the outer reaches of London, by Kent, to stand on the only 10-metre diving board in the whole of London and contemplate whether we’d chuck ourselves off. Finally, we got the courage, which is more than I can say about going to CP to watch them play “football.”
My plan is to sort myself out, get a routine (not that that is something especially to aspire to) and then see if I can get a ticket for the Hammers. Some of you are based in London, I know; most are in New York City. As far as differences are concerned, 19 years after leaving Blighty, well, transport is expensive, bread and milk are not; in two decades, I never got used to pay $5 for a decent loaf in Manhattan, one with fibre and husk and goodness, not the white, spongy crap…anyway, blah, blah, blah.
West Ham news: Kevin Nolan is back and needed; Frédéric Piquionne has been shipped out to Championship strugglers Doncaster Rovers and scored a goal (of course) in his debut there. Apparently, according to Monsieur Piquionne, Donky will survive, as he regards himself as a warrior. Did he ever for us? He was born in Noumeia, the capital of the French overseas possession New Caledonia, which has had a guerrilla movement for nigh on 30 years, so maybe he is one. Presumably he’ll not be able to play in our next game, which is against his new team, Marek Stech also was shipped out to Leyton Orient on loan, perhaps because we do not want to pay Sparta Prague in the Czech Republic $1,000,000 if he plays a couple of more games for us, as I reported a couple of weeks ago.
One—or two—other things I’ve noticed about England. The first two writers in the Guardian’s weekend magazine write about absolutely nothing. The first: “the electricity bill arrived on Tuesday. Have you ever noticed…”; the second, “my father put raisins in the apple crumble…right there, life as I knew changed forever…” Sad stuff.
Last Matches
Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales
Cardiff City 0 West Ham 2
Championship, Wed., March 7th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 1 Watford 1
The Cardiff win was one of our best results of the season, most notable for George McCartney adding himself to that lengthy West Ham personnel list of scorers. Is there anyone who plays for West Ham who hasn’t scored this season? Rob Green, perhaps. And his goal was a one-person dribble act, running along the left wing, cutting in, nutmegging and getting back on the rebound to score across the face of goal. By George, it were a gooden!
Of course it would not be the Hammers if that epic win was not followed by underperforming disaster. At least Ricardo Vaz Te spared us from blushes in the last few minutes. Two of the chaps I played football with weekly in New York, Henry and John, both support Watford, so I did not want them emailing me, telling me that I should have stayed in Manhattan and not have to go home to confront them beating us. Watford’s goalie is a Manchester Utd. loanee, by the way, so he is probably very good.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10 a.m. EST
West Ham Utd. vs. Doncaster Rovers
The Hammers are going through a little bad patch of bad home form of late, only picking up single points against both Elton John’s Boys 1st XI and Screaming Alice, so we have to put that right with a comprehensive win against basement boys Doncaster. My prediction: 4-1 to West Ham.
Dear Hammers,
March 15, 2012
Third! We’re in third!! How did this happen? On who’s watch did this happen, more to the point? Reading jumped over us with a draw against the team we came unstuck against, Doncaster (see below), but we must thank Donny for taking two points away from the Royals, even when we bemoaned them for doing the same to us. This still means I have a non-losing streak since moving to England, but a much tougher test of things will come against Leeds (also see below), I feel.
In news, well, there is great news in that Freddie Sears says he wants to see the season out at Colchester. My only question is, Is this far enough away? Doesn’t Carlisle also start with a C, or Cowdenbeath? As you know, I have never been a fan of his, seeing him as cut from the same cloth as Junior Stanislas and Zavon Hines, the kind of footballers that if they had to wear a monocle would line the lens rim with faux leopard fur. Here’s a question to illicit some disagreement. Who in your opinion is the worst striker the Hammers have ever had, with the proviso that you cannot pick Iain Dowie. I still have nightmares about Iain Dowie, but I am sure I am not alone in that.
As I looked at the team sheet against Doncaster, I said to myself, I said, Who’s this Collins chappie? Initially, I though James Collins had returned, a reason for celebration all around. But no. Did you see we picked up Stoke City’s Danny Collins on loan for the year? I guess Big Sam Allerdyce wanted some muscle in the middle, what with Matty Taylor bouncing up and down with injury and Kevin Nolan bouncing up and down with suspension.
And in possible but unlikely transfer rumour-news, West Ham might be securing the services of Chelsea midfielder Salomon Kalou, who’ll be a free agent at the end of the season. His wage requirements might be the sticking point, and, of course, whether West Ham gets promoted, I imagine.
Last Match
Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Park, East London
West Ham 1 Doncaster Rovers 1
A huge disappointment, and what Big Sam can do to rally the troops will determine his season. One again we drop points at home, and once again we score a goal within the first 10 minutes only not to be able to repeat the trick for the final 9/10ths of the game. Doncaster has had a little bit of a resurgence of late, but still, we should never have lost. I for one do not want to go into the play-offs, I want automatic promotion, something we have never achieved, in case you didn’t know.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 11 a.m. EST
Leeds Utd. vs West Ham Utd…………………..**** note the start time in NYC (EST summer hours daylight thingymagig or whatever it’s called ****
Yet more agony! No, I do not propose that we will lose. We will not, we will win, but in order to see those three points firmly in the collection plate, we do all have to look at Neil Warnock’s ugly boat race for another 90-plus minutes. As you know, Warnock is a bore and detests West Ham for cheating, stealing, lying, misrepresenting, faking, bullying and, most of all, surviving. Warnock has since those heady Carlos Tévez days had a string of disastrous lifestyle choices at Crystal Palace and Queens Park Rangers, and did you also know that Warnock has managed almost as many clubs (13) as West Ham have had managers (14), which is rubbish, inn’t? It’s as Oscar Wilde said, Loosing one top-flight football club is unfortunate, losing 12 is foolish.” Or maybe he didn’t say that in exactly those worlds, but I think it is what he meant. Didn’t he go to Reading Jail, or Gaol, so he must be keenly looking at the Championship race this season, even from his grave in Paris.
West Ham does incredibly well on the road, against all footballing logic, as we have only done so-so at home. This is the game that marks our season, my friends….! Go down Legends at start roaring!!!!!
Dear Hammers,
March 22, 2012
With only a handful of games remaining, the fans at Upton Park are getting a little restless. Yes, we knew that Sam Allerdyce’s football was never going to be spectacular, but we’re used to a certain type of elegance, and it is just not forthcoming. Actually, very little is forthcoming. At this rate, I will welcome the return of Freddie Sears, who I do not like (I was rebuked last week for bemoaning him, the counter-argument being that he starts very few games, if none, and at least he is an attacking striker, rather than someone like Carlton Cole, who despite a few moments of brilliance, never looks comfortable going forwards).
Seen on many West Ham Websites are lists of Big Sam excuses for drawing games (he’s still better at drawing butter for his lobster), and it is getting thin. In his weekly message, he states that “we hope to get three points this Saturday” (my italics). I want blood and glory and successful tactics and then three points, not a mere suggestion that it would be quite nice. And I did hear the old excuse of injuries being another factor, so I was surprised to see James Tompkins in the line-up against Boro. He played very well. The player many think is missed, though, is Julien Faubert, who has added grit to the team this year. May he come back soon, but there can be no excuses as far as I can see: Kevin Nolan. Matty Taylor. Nicky Maynard. Cole. Mark Noble. Sam Baldock. We have the players that any Championship side would love to field. Our performances do not mirror our players, so is it the system we play? Is it that every side coming to Upton Park play the same way against us, perhaps letting us score early, then wearing us down and then getting an equaliser when the Hammers start to get panicky?
Lastly, we have signed Portsmouth (from whom players are sadly leaving left, right and center, including ex-Hammer Hayden Mullins (although no one is likely to take Tal Ben Haim, another player who played for us)) goalkeeper Stephen Henderson on loan, with a notion of signing him permanently in the summer…more evidence that poor Marek Stech will never play for us. You have to feel sorry for the chap.
Last Matches
Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Elland Park, Leeds, Yorkshire
Leeds Utd. 1 West Ham 1
Championship, Tues., March 20th, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham 1 Middlesbrough 1
It is all becoming rather like that joke about Arsenal, for those of us old enough to remember the 1970s. “You mean to tell me that the team’s name is simply Arsenal? Not, Arsenal 1-0?” This was West Ham’s fourth game in a row where the final score was 1-1, which is not a delicious, continued run of not being defeated, but rather eight points dropped. Helping somewhat is that other results have mainly gone our way, certainly with Reading losing against Peterborough, which as you know are our opponents in our catch-up game. Last night, both Blackpool and Cardiff could only get draws, too. I do not want to tempt fate, but the top two spots are the territory now of just three teams, or is it better to say that the second automatic spot is the territory of just ours and Reading? After correctly predicting Southampton would start to suffer at around Christmas, they have come about-turn, although Championship Player of the Year Rickie Lambert is so central to all their wins. It is also a fact, someone pointed out to me, that West Ham has not won a Tuesday-night game for seven years. Is that home and away? Regardless, it is a stunning fact.
Next Match
Championship, Sat., March 24th, 2012; Turf Moor, Burnley, Lancashire; 11 a.m. EST
Burnley vs. West Ham Utd.
I will stop making predictions. And certainly I am not going to predict a 1-1 score line. The clocks go forwards the one hour here in the UK on Sunday, so this game will be at 11 a.m. EST, while the games going on from that will be back to the usual five-hour time difference.
Friday, February 3, 2012
M*@&%)*l
Dear Hammers,
Still top of the division, despite the Road Map being slightly rewritten. What do we need at the Hammers? Our previously very impressive defence has just had its homework downgraded to a B minus, and the midfield seems to be back to strength with the return of Matty Taylor (probably not quite up to speed) returned and Jack Collison, who found the net (see below), so I assume that means only the attack is left.
Frédéric Piquionne days are numbered, and John Carew seems to be another Benni McCarthy, only thinner), so up front we’re left with Carlton Cole, who turns it on once in a while. Sam Baldock is not an out-and-out striker, so Big Sam Allerdyce was busy on the transfer market yesterday, the last day of that meat free-for-all, which really did not produce any startling revelations in the Premiership either.
The inevitable rumours of Carlos Tévez coming back to his “English spiritual home” has the usual dusting-off, but this was never likely. Coming to West Ham on six-months’ loan would still be tantamount to saying that the wily Porteño was nearing the autumn of his career, as well as knocking severely any transfer price his dodgy Iranian owners wish for him.
So, who came to the Hammers? Nicky Maynard, that’s who, who we all hope is not related to Bernard. He’s ours now (this means not a loan deal), and his ratio of one goal in every three games for Bristol City is not bad. This means West Ham has a relationship with the Robins that goes beyond David James. Also ours is highly rated (although not so much that they kept him; that said, Utd. refused to sell him to rivals-of-a-sort Newcastle in mid-January) forward Ravel Morrison, who is an attacking midfielder, last year was fined £600 for throwing his girlfriend’s mobile phone through a window (the money fined seems a reflection on how much we cannot cope being without our Androids as it does on his misspent aggression) and in 1928 wrote the short symphony Boléro, which Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean skated to when they won the gold medal for pairs ice skating at the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics—or have I got this last piece wrong? And Big Sam also did his favourite party trick by resigning someone from the darkest place in his closet, that being Ricardo Vaz Te, who played for Bolton (under BS) for seven years but only 75 times; we purchased him from Barnsley, and he’s ours, too. He is still a kid, so perhaps these are the signings BS thinks we also need for next year in the Premiership.
That’s if we do not continue to do Ipswiches.
There have been some players passing these three through the outdoor. Notably, Henrita Illunga, who is mystery. His first season for us in the Premiership I thought he was quite brilliant, and then what happened. He reminds me of Sébastian Schemmel, the French full back that Harry Redknapp signed, and who was excellent before quickly becoming awful. Perhaps the coincidence is that it has been said of both that they are a little “unstable.”
Championship; Tuesday, January 31, 2012; Portman Road, Ipswich, Suffolk
Ipswich Town 5 West Ham Utd. 1
Well, this was not expected, unless you’ve supported West Ham for some time. The fact was that Ipswich have not won in five games, three of which, home and away, they’ve lost 3-1…so of course they destroyed us 5-1. West Ham has not lost to Ipswich at Ipswich since 1989, and it must have been so humiliating, I have yet to find Allerdyce’s comments on it. Well, I mean, what could he say anyway.
I saw we were 2-0 down, and then I got busy at work, and when I came back it was 3-1, so I did not even have the satisfaction of thinking we were clawing our way back when Collison brought the deficit back to one.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, February 4, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs M*@&%)*l
The Hammers need to get their act together for this worrisome fixture. The corresponding fixture at M*@&%)*l ended 0-0, which I thought perhaps the police had ordered, and I do think the travelling M*@&%)*l support have to stand behind a pillar somewhere along Row X. M*@&%)*l are having a torrid time this season, but then again so are Ipswich.
Should I stop making predictions. Okay, I will then…3-0 to West Ham, with some new blood scoring and going into E13 folklore, in much the same way as Freddie Sears did and then immediately stopped doing so. Do you also know that in our head-to-heads against our supposed enemy, M*@&%)*l has won 38 games to our 33. Really?
Still top of the division, despite the Road Map being slightly rewritten. What do we need at the Hammers? Our previously very impressive defence has just had its homework downgraded to a B minus, and the midfield seems to be back to strength with the return of Matty Taylor (probably not quite up to speed) returned and Jack Collison, who found the net (see below), so I assume that means only the attack is left.
Frédéric Piquionne days are numbered, and John Carew seems to be another Benni McCarthy, only thinner), so up front we’re left with Carlton Cole, who turns it on once in a while. Sam Baldock is not an out-and-out striker, so Big Sam Allerdyce was busy on the transfer market yesterday, the last day of that meat free-for-all, which really did not produce any startling revelations in the Premiership either.
The inevitable rumours of Carlos Tévez coming back to his “English spiritual home” has the usual dusting-off, but this was never likely. Coming to West Ham on six-months’ loan would still be tantamount to saying that the wily Porteño was nearing the autumn of his career, as well as knocking severely any transfer price his dodgy Iranian owners wish for him.
So, who came to the Hammers? Nicky Maynard, that’s who, who we all hope is not related to Bernard. He’s ours now (this means not a loan deal), and his ratio of one goal in every three games for Bristol City is not bad. This means West Ham has a relationship with the Robins that goes beyond David James. Also ours is highly rated (although not so much that they kept him; that said, Utd. refused to sell him to rivals-of-a-sort Newcastle in mid-January) forward Ravel Morrison, who is an attacking midfielder, last year was fined £600 for throwing his girlfriend’s mobile phone through a window (the money fined seems a reflection on how much we cannot cope being without our Androids as it does on his misspent aggression) and in 1928 wrote the short symphony Boléro, which Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean skated to when they won the gold medal for pairs ice skating at the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics—or have I got this last piece wrong? And Big Sam also did his favourite party trick by resigning someone from the darkest place in his closet, that being Ricardo Vaz Te, who played for Bolton (under BS) for seven years but only 75 times; we purchased him from Barnsley, and he’s ours, too. He is still a kid, so perhaps these are the signings BS thinks we also need for next year in the Premiership.
That’s if we do not continue to do Ipswiches.
There have been some players passing these three through the outdoor. Notably, Henrita Illunga, who is mystery. His first season for us in the Premiership I thought he was quite brilliant, and then what happened. He reminds me of Sébastian Schemmel, the French full back that Harry Redknapp signed, and who was excellent before quickly becoming awful. Perhaps the coincidence is that it has been said of both that they are a little “unstable.”
Championship; Tuesday, January 31, 2012; Portman Road, Ipswich, Suffolk
Ipswich Town 5 West Ham Utd. 1
Well, this was not expected, unless you’ve supported West Ham for some time. The fact was that Ipswich have not won in five games, three of which, home and away, they’ve lost 3-1…so of course they destroyed us 5-1. West Ham has not lost to Ipswich at Ipswich since 1989, and it must have been so humiliating, I have yet to find Allerdyce’s comments on it. Well, I mean, what could he say anyway.
I saw we were 2-0 down, and then I got busy at work, and when I came back it was 3-1, so I did not even have the satisfaction of thinking we were clawing our way back when Collison brought the deficit back to one.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, February 4, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs M*@&%)*l
The Hammers need to get their act together for this worrisome fixture. The corresponding fixture at M*@&%)*l ended 0-0, which I thought perhaps the police had ordered, and I do think the travelling M*@&%)*l support have to stand behind a pillar somewhere along Row X. M*@&%)*l are having a torrid time this season, but then again so are Ipswich.
Should I stop making predictions. Okay, I will then…3-0 to West Ham, with some new blood scoring and going into E13 folklore, in much the same way as Freddie Sears did and then immediately stopped doing so. Do you also know that in our head-to-heads against our supposed enemy, M*@&%)*l has won 38 games to our 33. Really?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Spelling "Lyke a Too-Year Owed"
Dear Hammers,
“I spel lyke a too-year owed,” said former West Ham manager Harry Redknapp as he was hauled in front of Justice Wheelbarrow at the Acton Assizes, or wherever Mr. WheelerDealer is trying to get off from the accusation of diddling the taxman. Perhaps Hammers would be more interested in accusations of underhand manoeuvres concerning the Olympic Stadium, whether you are in favour of West Ham moving there or not. Harry’s latest legal countermove is to tell everyone he pays huge amounts of taxes, and I have to say it is all very entertaining. Did I really read that he received a five percent commission when certain players were signed? Yes, I did — http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-16698153 — and it was actually a point of contention in the trial. Redknapp claims he was owed 10 percent on the sale of Peter Crouch (sounds like a tall story to me — ouch, sorry!), but was only paid five, which I assume disappeared out of the UK. Strike me down with one of Iain Dowie’s weak shots off target, but is this not odd? Why would the manager get anything when a player is sold? I certainly do not understand the inner machinations of today’s Finance Football or Salesmanship Soccer.
Anyway, there remains the idea that ‘Arry buys high and sells low, but looking at his record at Upton Park, it transpires that he spent £53 million, but raised in sales $72, which is not bad business for the bricks and mortar, if not the league position. He brought in Paolo di Canio, lest we forget, but I am sure you’ll be thinking now, yes, but he sold Rio Ferdinand for $18 million (almost exactly the difference between the two numbers above) and bought whom? How could you forget the names of the Tenacious Trio: Regnavold Soma, Svetoslav Todorov and Titi Camara. I am sure like me you have posters of all three on your wall. The latter (and you can move away from the screen to have a good laugh here) was quoted on signing “I've come to West Ham to play, play, play - and score, score, score.” Redknapp also bought two other (there are more, I’m sure) forgettable players in Paolo Futre and goalkeeper Ian Freur. I have a CD by Freur, no, not him, but an 80’s band who had a minor hit with “Doot Doot” and actually—years before Prince—had a squiggle as a name. Understandably high-street record shops hated this, so the band decided the squiggle should be pronounced “Freur,” and a great record it is, too. It is far less useless than is Ian. The reason I have gone in a large circle is the following amazing facts: now, right now, the Las Vegas-born Freur is the assistant manager at U.S. champions LA Galaxy, while Camara is the manager of the national team of the nation of Guinea, which is currently competing in the African Cup of Nations. Somehow all this does not seem fair.
Transfer news? We’re in negotiation for current Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic, a Croatian who scores a lot. Of course, the “several other teams are also looking at purchasing ________,” so who knows what will happen. Manager Sam Allerdyce is quoted as saying he is happy if no one was to come in before the end of the transfer window, which is days away.
p.s. The London article (mentioned in last week’s dispatches) I sent the link to was not able to be opened by all of you, so I heard, and a PDF is too large to send to all of you. If you’d like to see it, and the mention in it of our team, please email me. Please tell me what you think.
Championship; Saturday, January 21, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 2 Nottingham Forest 1
And why would Big Sam worry when other teams keep upending our players in their penalty boxes and Nobby Noble has us remembering those Halcyon Days when Ray Stewart took the spot kicks….well, not quite, as the two of the three penalties in this and the last match the goalkeeper was millimetres away from saving. It is a little worrying that we are not scoring real goals, but I shall not be ungrateful to six points out of six and a top-spot position above the flailing Southampton. I predicted their demise, and it’s happening. Cardiff seem to be biting, though, although they were losing against cash-strapped Portsmouth and the weekend looked for a moment as though it would be a perfect one.
Bottom line is that you can only get penalties if you are knocking at the door (cliché one), so it’d be hard to say we were not moving in the right direction in this game. Top is top is top, and long may it remain so.
The Next Match
Championship; Tuesday, January 31, 2012; Portman Road, Ipswich, Suffolk
Ipswich Town vs. West Ham Utd.
I’ve always liked Ipswich, except when we play them, and they have been very pleasant to us in all those play-off games where they must have been sick of the sight of Bobby Zamora. I have fond memories of watching Kevin Beattie and Russell Osman when I was a kid, although Paul Mariner’s efforts for England soured me of him.
This will be a tough match, but I am going for a 0-2 score line, with at least one “real” goal scored. Ipswich have not won once in the last five games and have a tendency to lose 3-1 both at home and away.Delete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
-Terrence B.
“I spel lyke a too-year owed,” said former West Ham manager Harry Redknapp as he was hauled in front of Justice Wheelbarrow at the Acton Assizes, or wherever Mr. WheelerDealer is trying to get off from the accusation of diddling the taxman. Perhaps Hammers would be more interested in accusations of underhand manoeuvres concerning the Olympic Stadium, whether you are in favour of West Ham moving there or not. Harry’s latest legal countermove is to tell everyone he pays huge amounts of taxes, and I have to say it is all very entertaining. Did I really read that he received a five percent commission when certain players were signed? Yes, I did — http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-16698153 — and it was actually a point of contention in the trial. Redknapp claims he was owed 10 percent on the sale of Peter Crouch (sounds like a tall story to me — ouch, sorry!), but was only paid five, which I assume disappeared out of the UK. Strike me down with one of Iain Dowie’s weak shots off target, but is this not odd? Why would the manager get anything when a player is sold? I certainly do not understand the inner machinations of today’s Finance Football or Salesmanship Soccer.
Anyway, there remains the idea that ‘Arry buys high and sells low, but looking at his record at Upton Park, it transpires that he spent £53 million, but raised in sales $72, which is not bad business for the bricks and mortar, if not the league position. He brought in Paolo di Canio, lest we forget, but I am sure you’ll be thinking now, yes, but he sold Rio Ferdinand for $18 million (almost exactly the difference between the two numbers above) and bought whom? How could you forget the names of the Tenacious Trio: Regnavold Soma, Svetoslav Todorov and Titi Camara. I am sure like me you have posters of all three on your wall. The latter (and you can move away from the screen to have a good laugh here) was quoted on signing “I've come to West Ham to play, play, play - and score, score, score.” Redknapp also bought two other (there are more, I’m sure) forgettable players in Paolo Futre and goalkeeper Ian Freur. I have a CD by Freur, no, not him, but an 80’s band who had a minor hit with “Doot Doot” and actually—years before Prince—had a squiggle as a name. Understandably high-street record shops hated this, so the band decided the squiggle should be pronounced “Freur,” and a great record it is, too. It is far less useless than is Ian. The reason I have gone in a large circle is the following amazing facts: now, right now, the Las Vegas-born Freur is the assistant manager at U.S. champions LA Galaxy, while Camara is the manager of the national team of the nation of Guinea, which is currently competing in the African Cup of Nations. Somehow all this does not seem fair.
Transfer news? We’re in negotiation for current Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic, a Croatian who scores a lot. Of course, the “several other teams are also looking at purchasing ________,” so who knows what will happen. Manager Sam Allerdyce is quoted as saying he is happy if no one was to come in before the end of the transfer window, which is days away.
p.s. The London article (mentioned in last week’s dispatches) I sent the link to was not able to be opened by all of you, so I heard, and a PDF is too large to send to all of you. If you’d like to see it, and the mention in it of our team, please email me. Please tell me what you think.
Championship; Saturday, January 21, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 2 Nottingham Forest 1
And why would Big Sam worry when other teams keep upending our players in their penalty boxes and Nobby Noble has us remembering those Halcyon Days when Ray Stewart took the spot kicks….well, not quite, as the two of the three penalties in this and the last match the goalkeeper was millimetres away from saving. It is a little worrying that we are not scoring real goals, but I shall not be ungrateful to six points out of six and a top-spot position above the flailing Southampton. I predicted their demise, and it’s happening. Cardiff seem to be biting, though, although they were losing against cash-strapped Portsmouth and the weekend looked for a moment as though it would be a perfect one.
Bottom line is that you can only get penalties if you are knocking at the door (cliché one), so it’d be hard to say we were not moving in the right direction in this game. Top is top is top, and long may it remain so.
The Next Match
Championship; Tuesday, January 31, 2012; Portman Road, Ipswich, Suffolk
Ipswich Town vs. West Ham Utd.
I’ve always liked Ipswich, except when we play them, and they have been very pleasant to us in all those play-off games where they must have been sick of the sight of Bobby Zamora. I have fond memories of watching Kevin Beattie and Russell Osman when I was a kid, although Paul Mariner’s efforts for England soured me of him.
This will be a tough match, but I am going for a 0-2 score line, with at least one “real” goal scored. Ipswich have not won once in the last five games and have a tendency to lose 3-1 both at home and away.Delete ReplyReply ForwardSpamMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
-Terrence B.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Loaners, London’s 2012, the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (Plus Portsmouth and Nottingham Forest)
Dear Hammers,
It’s hardly been at-the-edge-of-your-seat stuff in the transfer window, actually for any team, not just the most important one. It is early days, and next week will see the largest flurry of moves. As reported last week, West Ham did sign on loan one George John, who I hope receives a ball from defence and passes it crisply to attack and the back of the opposition net so that we can have a George McCartney George John John Carew moment. He is here on loan, as is Joe Dixon, who started off on the apprentice books at Manchester United but has since then played less hallowed turfs of two Turkish sides and Grays, in Essex, which plays in Corringham and has links, of course, with our own Julian Dicks. They are in the Isthmian League, which I am guessing is one step below the Blue Square Conference South and North leagues (actually Grays was relegated from it last season)…in other words, way down there. He’s a striker, and I guess someone saw something in him. He’s on the smaller side, and the guess is that Sam Allerdyce will not play him—if at all—alongside Sam Baldock but rather the much taller Carew or Carlton Cole. Dicks managed them until May last year, so maybe it is from him that this moves originates.
It makes sense, no, for the Hammers to only be offering loan deals? Sitting fairly pretty at extreme upper end of the Championship, when we get promoted, surely half or three-quarters of this team might be out of Upton Park, or the Olympic Stadium (people connected with Tottenham Hotspur are being arrested in their scores for supposed scurrilous activity such as tapping phones and spying on those whose words could influence who gets the stadium when the Olympics are over). For George John, this will just be like the countless Americans who enjoy six months studying at a British university via a program from their American one. A pleasant jaunt.
Another name on the horizon is Ruch Chorzów striker Maciej Jankowski, of and of whom which I have absolutely no knowledge. Ruch is in Upper Silesia and is fact one of Poland’s most successful teams in the 20th Century, but that really is not saying much since the early 1980s glory years of both it and the Polish national team Zbigniew Boniek and Grzegorz Lato.
Lastly, and please forgive me for touting myself, but I just published an article on London’s 2012, the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. I could not resist putting our team in the copy (click here). Enjoy!
Should I send it to Upton Park, and to whom there?
Championship; Saturday, January 14, 2012; Fratton Park, Portsmouth, Hampshire
Portsmouth 0 West Ham Utd. 1
This match probably is not going down in history as an epic, the three points gratefully going our way via a Mark Noble penalty that the Portsmouth goalkeeper did gets his fingertips to. Noble then did that “I’m beckoning, come run with me to the corner post” thing he always does, and that was that. Portsmouth had a rally in the first 10 minutes of the second half, but they are a very average team, and we have the best defence in the league. We have ex-Hammer Tal Ben Haim to thank, too, as he played his usual graceful, highly tuned version of the Beautiful Game and manhandled Winston Reid to the ground to get the penalty in a move that would have made a Greco-Roman wrestler proud.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, January 21, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs Nottingham Forest
This has to be three points. Forest—from Nottingham, the smallest city ever to win the European Cup—is in disarray, having been smashed 4-0 by Leicester in the FA Cup earlier in the week, and are one place below Millwall, which I am sure we all gleefully acknowledged lost last week 0-6 to Birmingham.
A win will put us top of the table for the first time this season, as Southampton does not play until Monday. Actually a draw would, too, but I am not even bothering to countenance that scoreline.
It’s hardly been at-the-edge-of-your-seat stuff in the transfer window, actually for any team, not just the most important one. It is early days, and next week will see the largest flurry of moves. As reported last week, West Ham did sign on loan one George John, who I hope receives a ball from defence and passes it crisply to attack and the back of the opposition net so that we can have a George McCartney George John John Carew moment. He is here on loan, as is Joe Dixon, who started off on the apprentice books at Manchester United but has since then played less hallowed turfs of two Turkish sides and Grays, in Essex, which plays in Corringham and has links, of course, with our own Julian Dicks. They are in the Isthmian League, which I am guessing is one step below the Blue Square Conference South and North leagues (actually Grays was relegated from it last season)…in other words, way down there. He’s a striker, and I guess someone saw something in him. He’s on the smaller side, and the guess is that Sam Allerdyce will not play him—if at all—alongside Sam Baldock but rather the much taller Carew or Carlton Cole. Dicks managed them until May last year, so maybe it is from him that this moves originates.
It makes sense, no, for the Hammers to only be offering loan deals? Sitting fairly pretty at extreme upper end of the Championship, when we get promoted, surely half or three-quarters of this team might be out of Upton Park, or the Olympic Stadium (people connected with Tottenham Hotspur are being arrested in their scores for supposed scurrilous activity such as tapping phones and spying on those whose words could influence who gets the stadium when the Olympics are over). For George John, this will just be like the countless Americans who enjoy six months studying at a British university via a program from their American one. A pleasant jaunt.
Another name on the horizon is Ruch Chorzów striker Maciej Jankowski, of and of whom which I have absolutely no knowledge. Ruch is in Upper Silesia and is fact one of Poland’s most successful teams in the 20th Century, but that really is not saying much since the early 1980s glory years of both it and the Polish national team Zbigniew Boniek and Grzegorz Lato.
Lastly, and please forgive me for touting myself, but I just published an article on London’s 2012, the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. I could not resist putting our team in the copy (click here). Enjoy!
Should I send it to Upton Park, and to whom there?
Championship; Saturday, January 14, 2012; Fratton Park, Portsmouth, Hampshire
Portsmouth 0 West Ham Utd. 1
This match probably is not going down in history as an epic, the three points gratefully going our way via a Mark Noble penalty that the Portsmouth goalkeeper did gets his fingertips to. Noble then did that “I’m beckoning, come run with me to the corner post” thing he always does, and that was that. Portsmouth had a rally in the first 10 minutes of the second half, but they are a very average team, and we have the best defence in the league. We have ex-Hammer Tal Ben Haim to thank, too, as he played his usual graceful, highly tuned version of the Beautiful Game and manhandled Winston Reid to the ground to get the penalty in a move that would have made a Greco-Roman wrestler proud.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, January 21, 2012; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs Nottingham Forest
This has to be three points. Forest—from Nottingham, the smallest city ever to win the European Cup—is in disarray, having been smashed 4-0 by Leicester in the FA Cup earlier in the week, and are one place below Millwall, which I am sure we all gleefully acknowledged lost last week 0-6 to Birmingham.
A win will put us top of the table for the first time this season, as Southampton does not play until Monday. Actually a draw would, too, but I am not even bothering to countenance that scoreline.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Septic Bladder
Dear Hammers,
Again, a rather boring week for news, and I really cannot be bothered to report of some extended loan transfer of a player who has never played, or rarely, for the First XI. I did see co-chairman David Gold tweeted—or in newspaper parlance, “blasted”—FIFA puppet Septic Bladder for his ridiculous statement that racism is not a serious problem in football (in life?) that cannot be sorted out with a good ol’ manly handshake. It would have been disgusting, but also somewhat brilliant for writers, if he has not said “handshake” but instead replaced “handshake” with a nice, patronizing “pat on the head.” Gold said he should resign, so expect that to be a done deal, as obviously Gold has huge influence in…er…actually, nowhere…not even Leyton.
And mildly of interest—only if it results with the whole team and management off to do a 10-stretch in Wormwood Scrubs—are the continuing allegations that Karen “Rottweiler
Brady’s phone was tapped, supposedly by accountants hired by a certain team in white from North London. With its manager—and formerly ours—in the dock on tax-evasion charges, too, but also the team playing (sound of gnashing teeth) some absolutely superb football, this might be an interesting time for F.C. Rooster. I imagine all these intercepted calls are concerning the move to the Olympic Stadium, a quest that is as quiet as a dodo right now.
Quite a number of us popped down to Legends (6 W. 33rd St., between 5th and 6th aves.) last Friday night for the Supporters Clubs’ annual drinkfest, and even though West Ham has hardly been on the idiot box all year, we were the club with the highest attendance. Does this say volumes of our love for the claret n’ blue or for lashings of free beer. There even were some good ol’ East London knees-up sing-alongs with the ol’ Joanna…actually, hearty renditions of “Bubbles,” which got some local photographers all a-gush and snappy. Expect to see some photos. Anyone have any they can pass along for the general merriment of your West Ham brothers and sisters? I half expected to see someone pull out an old Christmas LP by Mrs. Mills. Does anyone sadly remember her single, “I Was Queen Victoria’s Chambermaid”. Unfortunately, I heard this every Christmas for a decade growing up. Luckily it had not long-term effect, although maybe I am not the one to judge.
And we did get news that the Derby game will be shown live (see below), and we’re really hoping that we can get a large crowd, especially as Saturday will be the third day of what here in Americaland is the Thanksgiving Holiday. Jack Keane, ye godlike muse, down at Legends has been really good to us and will scan every broadcast worldwide at the merest sniff of the Hammers, so let’s get out in fine voice.
Coventry City 1 West Ham Utd. 2
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
Mrs. Mills (and you really should subject yourself to a little. Life should not always be roses and champagne) also had an LP out (that’s old-people speak for CD) called “Look Mum, No Hands,” and that is an apt, albeit strained segue to Frédéric Piquionne’s winner against Coventry that he headed in about two inches off the ground, if my spies’ reports are to be believed.
Piquionne tweeted in the week that he was looking to score, as he felt he was fourth or fifth in the West Ham striker pecking order, which might be true. John Carew started the match off with in-form Sam Baldock, and he was substituted at the expense of Carlton Cole, so the bottom line is that Big Sam Allerdyce was quite the man with the plan on Saturday, as he scored the equaliser. I was following on line, of course, and it all looked mean to a certain point, with Southampton 3-0 up and the Hammers 0-1 down.
Common consensus is that Baldock and Cole should start against Derby, and it is also thought by those with their noses to the wind that West Ham’s own Frank Lampard-Steven Gerrard conundrum is Carew and Cole playing alongside one another. Your thoughts?
Next Matches
Derby County vs West Ham Utd.
Baseball Ground, Derby, Derbyshire
Saturday, November 26, 2011; 12:20 p.m. EST
This is the late game on the Saturday and thus on. Hurrah! I have only seen the Hammers twice this season, the season opener, where we collapsed in the last five minutes against Cardiff, and the 4-3 win against Portsmouth in early September that was an exercise in patience over the static of a continually “dropping” computer feed. The Derby game is on Sky, I believe, so expect the horror of seeing Kevin Nolan’s mug in high definition.
West Ham Utd. vs Middlesbrough
Upton Park, East London
Tuesday, November 29, 2011; 2:45 p.m. EST
There is no European photo on this Tuesday night, so do not be surprised if suddenly the Hammers are on two games in a row. I’ll see if I can find out on Saturday…but you’ll be there, too, won’t you!
Our victory against Coventry and Middlesbrough’s tie against Blackpool leaves us three points clear of Middlesbrough. Of course, there are this Saturday’s games to come, but we could potentially leave Middlesbrough trailing in our wake in the same of two weeks. That is what will happen.
Again, a rather boring week for news, and I really cannot be bothered to report of some extended loan transfer of a player who has never played, or rarely, for the First XI. I did see co-chairman David Gold tweeted—or in newspaper parlance, “blasted”—FIFA puppet Septic Bladder for his ridiculous statement that racism is not a serious problem in football (in life?) that cannot be sorted out with a good ol’ manly handshake. It would have been disgusting, but also somewhat brilliant for writers, if he has not said “handshake” but instead replaced “handshake” with a nice, patronizing “pat on the head.” Gold said he should resign, so expect that to be a done deal, as obviously Gold has huge influence in…er…actually, nowhere…not even Leyton.
And mildly of interest—only if it results with the whole team and management off to do a 10-stretch in Wormwood Scrubs—are the continuing allegations that Karen “Rottweiler
Brady’s phone was tapped, supposedly by accountants hired by a certain team in white from North London. With its manager—and formerly ours—in the dock on tax-evasion charges, too, but also the team playing (sound of gnashing teeth) some absolutely superb football, this might be an interesting time for F.C. Rooster. I imagine all these intercepted calls are concerning the move to the Olympic Stadium, a quest that is as quiet as a dodo right now.
Quite a number of us popped down to Legends (6 W. 33rd St., between 5th and 6th aves.) last Friday night for the Supporters Clubs’ annual drinkfest, and even though West Ham has hardly been on the idiot box all year, we were the club with the highest attendance. Does this say volumes of our love for the claret n’ blue or for lashings of free beer. There even were some good ol’ East London knees-up sing-alongs with the ol’ Joanna…actually, hearty renditions of “Bubbles,” which got some local photographers all a-gush and snappy. Expect to see some photos. Anyone have any they can pass along for the general merriment of your West Ham brothers and sisters? I half expected to see someone pull out an old Christmas LP by Mrs. Mills. Does anyone sadly remember her single, “I Was Queen Victoria’s Chambermaid”. Unfortunately, I heard this every Christmas for a decade growing up. Luckily it had not long-term effect, although maybe I am not the one to judge.
And we did get news that the Derby game will be shown live (see below), and we’re really hoping that we can get a large crowd, especially as Saturday will be the third day of what here in Americaland is the Thanksgiving Holiday. Jack Keane, ye godlike muse, down at Legends has been really good to us and will scan every broadcast worldwide at the merest sniff of the Hammers, so let’s get out in fine voice.
Coventry City 1 West Ham Utd. 2
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
Mrs. Mills (and you really should subject yourself to a little. Life should not always be roses and champagne) also had an LP out (that’s old-people speak for CD) called “Look Mum, No Hands,” and that is an apt, albeit strained segue to Frédéric Piquionne’s winner against Coventry that he headed in about two inches off the ground, if my spies’ reports are to be believed.
Piquionne tweeted in the week that he was looking to score, as he felt he was fourth or fifth in the West Ham striker pecking order, which might be true. John Carew started the match off with in-form Sam Baldock, and he was substituted at the expense of Carlton Cole, so the bottom line is that Big Sam Allerdyce was quite the man with the plan on Saturday, as he scored the equaliser. I was following on line, of course, and it all looked mean to a certain point, with Southampton 3-0 up and the Hammers 0-1 down.
Common consensus is that Baldock and Cole should start against Derby, and it is also thought by those with their noses to the wind that West Ham’s own Frank Lampard-Steven Gerrard conundrum is Carew and Cole playing alongside one another. Your thoughts?
Next Matches
Derby County vs West Ham Utd.
Baseball Ground, Derby, Derbyshire
Saturday, November 26, 2011; 12:20 p.m. EST
This is the late game on the Saturday and thus on. Hurrah! I have only seen the Hammers twice this season, the season opener, where we collapsed in the last five minutes against Cardiff, and the 4-3 win against Portsmouth in early September that was an exercise in patience over the static of a continually “dropping” computer feed. The Derby game is on Sky, I believe, so expect the horror of seeing Kevin Nolan’s mug in high definition.
West Ham Utd. vs Middlesbrough
Upton Park, East London
Tuesday, November 29, 2011; 2:45 p.m. EST
There is no European photo on this Tuesday night, so do not be surprised if suddenly the Hammers are on two games in a row. I’ll see if I can find out on Saturday…but you’ll be there, too, won’t you!
Our victory against Coventry and Middlesbrough’s tie against Blackpool leaves us three points clear of Middlesbrough. Of course, there are this Saturday’s games to come, but we could potentially leave Middlesbrough trailing in our wake in the same of two weeks. That is what will happen.
Dull Week. Very Dull. Actually, the Most Dull.
Dear Hammers,
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
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