Dear Hammers,
Again, a rather boring week for news, and I really cannot be bothered to report of some extended loan transfer of a player who has never played, or rarely, for the First XI. I did see co-chairman David Gold tweeted—or in newspaper parlance, “blasted”—FIFA puppet Septic Bladder for his ridiculous statement that racism is not a serious problem in football (in life?) that cannot be sorted out with a good ol’ manly handshake. It would have been disgusting, but also somewhat brilliant for writers, if he has not said “handshake” but instead replaced “handshake” with a nice, patronizing “pat on the head.” Gold said he should resign, so expect that to be a done deal, as obviously Gold has huge influence in…er…actually, nowhere…not even Leyton.
And mildly of interest—only if it results with the whole team and management off to do a 10-stretch in Wormwood Scrubs—are the continuing allegations that Karen “Rottweiler
Brady’s phone was tapped, supposedly by accountants hired by a certain team in white from North London. With its manager—and formerly ours—in the dock on tax-evasion charges, too, but also the team playing (sound of gnashing teeth) some absolutely superb football, this might be an interesting time for F.C. Rooster. I imagine all these intercepted calls are concerning the move to the Olympic Stadium, a quest that is as quiet as a dodo right now.
Quite a number of us popped down to Legends (6 W. 33rd St., between 5th and 6th aves.) last Friday night for the Supporters Clubs’ annual drinkfest, and even though West Ham has hardly been on the idiot box all year, we were the club with the highest attendance. Does this say volumes of our love for the claret n’ blue or for lashings of free beer. There even were some good ol’ East London knees-up sing-alongs with the ol’ Joanna…actually, hearty renditions of “Bubbles,” which got some local photographers all a-gush and snappy. Expect to see some photos. Anyone have any they can pass along for the general merriment of your West Ham brothers and sisters? I half expected to see someone pull out an old Christmas LP by Mrs. Mills. Does anyone sadly remember her single, “I Was Queen Victoria’s Chambermaid”. Unfortunately, I heard this every Christmas for a decade growing up. Luckily it had not long-term effect, although maybe I am not the one to judge.
And we did get news that the Derby game will be shown live (see below), and we’re really hoping that we can get a large crowd, especially as Saturday will be the third day of what here in Americaland is the Thanksgiving Holiday. Jack Keane, ye godlike muse, down at Legends has been really good to us and will scan every broadcast worldwide at the merest sniff of the Hammers, so let’s get out in fine voice.
Coventry City 1 West Ham Utd. 2
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
Mrs. Mills (and you really should subject yourself to a little. Life should not always be roses and champagne) also had an LP out (that’s old-people speak for CD) called “Look Mum, No Hands,” and that is an apt, albeit strained segue to Frédéric Piquionne’s winner against Coventry that he headed in about two inches off the ground, if my spies’ reports are to be believed.
Piquionne tweeted in the week that he was looking to score, as he felt he was fourth or fifth in the West Ham striker pecking order, which might be true. John Carew started the match off with in-form Sam Baldock, and he was substituted at the expense of Carlton Cole, so the bottom line is that Big Sam Allerdyce was quite the man with the plan on Saturday, as he scored the equaliser. I was following on line, of course, and it all looked mean to a certain point, with Southampton 3-0 up and the Hammers 0-1 down.
Common consensus is that Baldock and Cole should start against Derby, and it is also thought by those with their noses to the wind that West Ham’s own Frank Lampard-Steven Gerrard conundrum is Carew and Cole playing alongside one another. Your thoughts?
Next Matches
Derby County vs West Ham Utd.
Baseball Ground, Derby, Derbyshire
Saturday, November 26, 2011; 12:20 p.m. EST
This is the late game on the Saturday and thus on. Hurrah! I have only seen the Hammers twice this season, the season opener, where we collapsed in the last five minutes against Cardiff, and the 4-3 win against Portsmouth in early September that was an exercise in patience over the static of a continually “dropping” computer feed. The Derby game is on Sky, I believe, so expect the horror of seeing Kevin Nolan’s mug in high definition.
West Ham Utd. vs Middlesbrough
Upton Park, East London
Tuesday, November 29, 2011; 2:45 p.m. EST
There is no European photo on this Tuesday night, so do not be surprised if suddenly the Hammers are on two games in a row. I’ll see if I can find out on Saturday…but you’ll be there, too, won’t you!
Our victory against Coventry and Middlesbrough’s tie against Blackpool leaves us three points clear of Middlesbrough. Of course, there are this Saturday’s games to come, but we could potentially leave Middlesbrough trailing in our wake in the same of two weeks. That is what will happen.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Dull Week. Very Dull. Actually, the Most Dull.
Dear Hammers,
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
You Can Keep Your El Hadji Diouf
Dear Hammers,
It was not a particularly satisfying week, was it? (see game reports below), as I am assuming at this level we should win every game, but happy was the news that El Hadji Diouf is not coming to West Ham. The player—who once infamously spat at Hammers supporters when he played for Liverpool (actually, in the particular game this incident occurred in, the fat lump was an unused substitute)—instead signed for Premiership-bound (this is sarcasm, by the way, which is not so easy to convey in words) Doncaster Rovers, who are at the bottom of the Championship…well, they wouldn’t have been if West Ham had done what they were supposed to have done and beaten Bristol City…but, anyway, Doncaster even had reservations, stating that they had concerns (which is why my above statement of his portly girth can not get me in trouble) about his fitness. He did play for them, though, in the first game that he could have been picked, but then Doncaster do not have the resources we have, or the luxury to pick and choose, although with our ongoing injury crisis (doesn’t it always seem like we have one of those, despite Glenn Rodent’s New Age health renaissance at the club?), perhaps we do not either.
The injuries continue, with news today that Winston Reid will be out for a month following a shoulder injury picked up during the Bristol game. Reid has played very well this season, and he will be missed, but James Tompkins is back, so our defence I do not think is our main concern. Getting Matty Taylor back is.
Championship; Sat., Oct. 29, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 3 Leicester City 2
I was thinking when the scoreline was 2-1 that this was the first game this season in which West Ham did its specialty party trick—keeping our emotions on a yo-yo right until the last minute. Previously, it feels, we have either lost 0-1/1-0 or thrashed the opposition to an inch of its hide. Sam Baldock again proved a canny buy, with two goals, one of which was quite brilliant, and Julian Faubert seems to at long last be earning his £6.1 million (remember!) transfer fee from Bordeaux. Following online, I thought it’d be all over at 3-1, but West Ham did that wobbly thing again. There was even some last-minute jitters involving scuffed clearances, half-seen saves and other whatnot. This win got us to one position below Southampton. The “intelligent” money had Leicester winning this game, because people always think that when a manager departs a team (in their case, Sven Göran Eriksson in midweek), the team will bounce back with a victory. I don’t know why they think that, apart from it being something to fill column inches or TV minutes, but then again Leicester almost did.
Championship; Tues., Nov. 1, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Bristol City 2
This 0-0 draw must be construed as a loss for us, a victory for Bristol City, which does seem to have turned a curve in recent weeks, with this draw and an away win against Barnsley the previous Saturday. The possession statistic tells of a game that West Ham dominated, nearly two-thirds of all balls have been played to a pair of Hammers toes (first great joke of the week, I fear), but we had only one more shot on target than did Bristol, so either the Robins did a great job holding us in midfield, or we severely miss Matty Taylor. Freddie Sears hit the post with a curling shot from distance (getting closer, Freddie), but a Bristol City player did the same, and our collective youghurt would have curdled if we’d actually lost the game. It will be interesting to read Big Sam’s comments and know how he is going to change things around so that we get the perfect combination of tough defence (already there, I feel, although Reid will be missed), crafty, quick, solid midfield (I am still not convinced) and huge, tall attack (it’s there, but is the ball, too?). I imagine ex-Hammer goalkeeper David James got some satisfaction on keeping a clean sheet. And with Peterborough coming back in its game against Southampton but not quite fully all the way, we are again five points to the poor.
Next Match
Hull City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Kingston upon Hull, The Wilderness West of Watford
On to Hull in wintry North England. Did you know that Hull is Egyptian-owned? Let’s hope they do not plan a Spring Revolution starting on Saturday. The team is playing so-so, either losing by a goal or winning by one, which sounds depressingly like the West Ham of recent years, if not this season. My prediction is West Ham will be eager to kick off their Bristol slump, score two first-half goals and never look back.
And here are some fun statistics. Do you know the most successful team ever to play in the Championship/2nd Division? Barnsley. Of course, that probably means they have been successful in not getting promoted to the Premiership/1st Division (except for that one year a few years ago, in which they were immediately relegated) or getting relegated to League One/3rd Division. Barnsley have played 2,933 games at that level, amassing 3,154 points, but winning only 1,009 times, a win percentage of 34. Not good; but their loss percentage is not that much worse, so lots of dull draws all round I guess.
Arsenal do not have any statistics of this manner, because annoyingly they are the only team that have never played outside the top league (how I would love for me to write one day that they did, and for a few weeks this season it looked like Tottenham would have joined them). Hull is sixth on the list; West Ham, 32nd, as only older readers of this blog will remember when we played in the Premiership.
Our statistics? And I did not do the maths for us before I did it for Barnsley, so we might expect shocking statistics here, too…!
Points gained, 1,619; played 1,337; won 585 (43%; phew!!!); lost 421 (including a massive 300 games away from home; 31%).
It was not a particularly satisfying week, was it? (see game reports below), as I am assuming at this level we should win every game, but happy was the news that El Hadji Diouf is not coming to West Ham. The player—who once infamously spat at Hammers supporters when he played for Liverpool (actually, in the particular game this incident occurred in, the fat lump was an unused substitute)—instead signed for Premiership-bound (this is sarcasm, by the way, which is not so easy to convey in words) Doncaster Rovers, who are at the bottom of the Championship…well, they wouldn’t have been if West Ham had done what they were supposed to have done and beaten Bristol City…but, anyway, Doncaster even had reservations, stating that they had concerns (which is why my above statement of his portly girth can not get me in trouble) about his fitness. He did play for them, though, in the first game that he could have been picked, but then Doncaster do not have the resources we have, or the luxury to pick and choose, although with our ongoing injury crisis (doesn’t it always seem like we have one of those, despite Glenn Rodent’s New Age health renaissance at the club?), perhaps we do not either.
The injuries continue, with news today that Winston Reid will be out for a month following a shoulder injury picked up during the Bristol game. Reid has played very well this season, and he will be missed, but James Tompkins is back, so our defence I do not think is our main concern. Getting Matty Taylor back is.
Championship; Sat., Oct. 29, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 3 Leicester City 2
I was thinking when the scoreline was 2-1 that this was the first game this season in which West Ham did its specialty party trick—keeping our emotions on a yo-yo right until the last minute. Previously, it feels, we have either lost 0-1/1-0 or thrashed the opposition to an inch of its hide. Sam Baldock again proved a canny buy, with two goals, one of which was quite brilliant, and Julian Faubert seems to at long last be earning his £6.1 million (remember!) transfer fee from Bordeaux. Following online, I thought it’d be all over at 3-1, but West Ham did that wobbly thing again. There was even some last-minute jitters involving scuffed clearances, half-seen saves and other whatnot. This win got us to one position below Southampton. The “intelligent” money had Leicester winning this game, because people always think that when a manager departs a team (in their case, Sven Göran Eriksson in midweek), the team will bounce back with a victory. I don’t know why they think that, apart from it being something to fill column inches or TV minutes, but then again Leicester almost did.
Championship; Tues., Nov. 1, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Bristol City 2
This 0-0 draw must be construed as a loss for us, a victory for Bristol City, which does seem to have turned a curve in recent weeks, with this draw and an away win against Barnsley the previous Saturday. The possession statistic tells of a game that West Ham dominated, nearly two-thirds of all balls have been played to a pair of Hammers toes (first great joke of the week, I fear), but we had only one more shot on target than did Bristol, so either the Robins did a great job holding us in midfield, or we severely miss Matty Taylor. Freddie Sears hit the post with a curling shot from distance (getting closer, Freddie), but a Bristol City player did the same, and our collective youghurt would have curdled if we’d actually lost the game. It will be interesting to read Big Sam’s comments and know how he is going to change things around so that we get the perfect combination of tough defence (already there, I feel, although Reid will be missed), crafty, quick, solid midfield (I am still not convinced) and huge, tall attack (it’s there, but is the ball, too?). I imagine ex-Hammer goalkeeper David James got some satisfaction on keeping a clean sheet. And with Peterborough coming back in its game against Southampton but not quite fully all the way, we are again five points to the poor.
Next Match
Hull City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Kingston upon Hull, The Wilderness West of Watford
On to Hull in wintry North England. Did you know that Hull is Egyptian-owned? Let’s hope they do not plan a Spring Revolution starting on Saturday. The team is playing so-so, either losing by a goal or winning by one, which sounds depressingly like the West Ham of recent years, if not this season. My prediction is West Ham will be eager to kick off their Bristol slump, score two first-half goals and never look back.
And here are some fun statistics. Do you know the most successful team ever to play in the Championship/2nd Division? Barnsley. Of course, that probably means they have been successful in not getting promoted to the Premiership/1st Division (except for that one year a few years ago, in which they were immediately relegated) or getting relegated to League One/3rd Division. Barnsley have played 2,933 games at that level, amassing 3,154 points, but winning only 1,009 times, a win percentage of 34. Not good; but their loss percentage is not that much worse, so lots of dull draws all round I guess.
Arsenal do not have any statistics of this manner, because annoyingly they are the only team that have never played outside the top league (how I would love for me to write one day that they did, and for a few weeks this season it looked like Tottenham would have joined them). Hull is sixth on the list; West Ham, 32nd, as only older readers of this blog will remember when we played in the Premiership.
Our statistics? And I did not do the maths for us before I did it for Barnsley, so we might expect shocking statistics here, too…!
Points gained, 1,619; played 1,337; won 585 (43%; phew!!!); lost 421 (including a massive 300 games away from home; 31%).
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Baker's Law of Championship International Breakage
October 18, 2011
It was with huge pleasure that I saw my theory that West Ham are the first Championship team in history ever to be affected by the International Break come to superb fruition. While the rest of the country was worrying about Wayne “Bumble Bee” Rooney (I am currently reading an autobiography by English comedian Stewart Lee (fantastic, especially his skit on the Big Brother Racism Scandal—YouTube it if you want to see it), and he finds it amusing to give people nicknames a propos of absolutely nothing in their life or history, so I am shamelessly stealing that idea this week) and his three-match suspension, Hammers were anxiously waiting to see if Baker’s Law of Championship International Breakage (BAKLACHIB) had any legs. Read below to see if it had.
Firstly on the news radar, we sent David “Astronaut” Bentley back to Tottenham. Or he hopped back on crutches. This is not of course the first time this has happened. I immediately think of Mauricio “Dingle” Taricco, who played for West Ham after being signed from the Spuds for a whole 10 minutes. You might remember he ripped up his contract and received the gushing praises from then West Ham manager Alan “Green Bean” Pardew. I had high hopes for Bentley, and it is a shame not to see any of his potential, but then again Bentley was supposed to be the Complete Future of English Football for the Next Generation, if you remember, only a few years ago, and none of that came true either.
He is not the only thing to be taken away from West Ham this week. The Olympic Stadium (to be named the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Stadium when the athletes depart) suddenly is not going to be our new home, the Powers at Be deciding that ongoing legal challenges from both the Roosters of North London and Leyton Orient meant that it was inconceivable to continue negotiations with…or some such legalese. I thought it was a done deal, and I thought I heard all politicians of all stripes saying that their previous decisions were final. As you might have read today, Spurs have now come to an agreement with whoever it was they were fighting with (not Arsenal this time), which translated, I believe, means We’ve hemorrhaged another moolah, let’s finish this now and concentrate on our own Walthamstow expansion plans, and—shock!—Leyton Orient in the last few hours have put together a bid asking if they can now move into what I will now abbreviate as QEOS…but as long as QEOS will have no running track.
Unbelievabubble, as my older brother used to say when he was young, and might still do.
Now, I know many Hammers will be happy by all of this. I am still not sure. I have always had the idea that to be a truly big club, you need a truly big stadium, but then it is the interim supporters who come to watch games week in, week out (before this Golden Age that I am naïvely suggesting might happen, happens) who prefer the intimate atmosphere that is part and parcel of the Boleyn. A tricky conundrum.
The other interesting general footy news is that there is this “campaign” by certain “foreign” (although what does that word mean any more in international business and multicultural Britain?) owners of Premiership clubs to scrap relegation and, thus, more importantly to West Ham and us (the two are indivisible, I know, before angry letters reach me), promotion. This is a nonstarter, which would take the very soul of the game, our national game, away. It also is interesting in that to me it suggests another facet of the Idea of Money protecting itself. Who wouldn’t want a Premiership club that could not be anything but a Premiership club, with the sacks of TV cash that come with it? Of course, many of us live in a country (the US of A) where many people stare blankly at you when you mention the concepts of relegation and promotion. (“Well, it’s like this, Chad and Kasey, you have a job right, and now I am taking that job away from you. Now you have no job. No money. That’s a perfect analogy to being relegated, or as you might say, demoted. In football-, sorry, soccer-speak, that’s Bad D, not Good D. Now say I make a million dollars for myself and I need you again to shift widgits from Peoria, Illinois, to Lafayette, Louisiana, then I would offer you a new job (at less pay, of course), and that is called being promoted, but we do not say Good P because there is every chance that the three newly promoted employees will go straight back down again.)
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 4 Blackpool 0
So my BAKLACHIB Theory proved unerringly correct, as the Hammers put their home games jinx firmly behind them. We have two new heroes, Sam “Jimbo” Baldock and John “Paperclip” Carew, neither of whom are loans but real signings from Milton Keynes Dons and Aston Villa, respectively. We took the game by the scruff of the neck in eight second-half minutes, in which Baldock scored twice and Jack “Pasta Lunch” Collison hit home once, which is nice to see, as Collison represents the Old Guard.
I could not follow the game as it was not on TV (surprise), and there was no reception in Gallatin, New York, where I spent the weekend at my friends’ (one of them a Spud) home they have just finished fixing up. It was only as we came home on the Taconic Parkway that a signal wafted to us and I saw the great news.
And I only managed to see the Carew goal via a grainy, wobbly, handheld video posted by a fan on the Internet. It was a fine header, but many Blackpool supporters blamed their manager Ian Holloway’s choice of having a 5’8” defender mark 6’5” Carew. But this is what I do not understand. When asked about if the Hammers had found a new deadly post-International Break combo in Baldock and Carew, Sam “Fiery Boots” Allerdyce commented that there would not always be the situation in which West Ham can play this formation. Why not? This is not Manchester where they have to continually think of European games and thus have some degree of rotation. I am hoping that this is not Allerdyce thinking beyond his means, believing that whatever he does is ingrained in his own weak concept of football genius. Just win the dame things, Sam, okay!
The Next Matches
Championship; Tues., Oct. 18, 2011; St. Mary’s Stadium, Southampton, Hampshire, Southampton vs. West Ham Utd.
So, suddenly, this might be the Season Defining game, where second-place West Ham overtake first-place Southampton on a Tuesday night where I’ll probably have to leave the office before the final score. Remember (and I am reminding you) of my season-beginning prediction that West Ham would be six points clear at Christmas. This game is not on the TV as far as I know, certainly as it also is a Champions League night.
Championship; Mon., Oct. 24, 2011; Falmer Stadium, Falmer, East Sussex
Brighton & Hove Albion vs. West Ham Utd.
This will be another tricky away game, although Brighton, which started out so well this season, have skidded slightly of late. I mentioned Taricco earlier. Did you know that he is now the assistant manager at Brighton? After injuring himself in his debut game for West Ham, it really was the end of his top-class career, for he then played for a few seasons at A.S. Villasimius, a nonleague Italian club right at the bottom of the island of Sardinia, before playing five games for Brighton. He obviously liked it there, and now his relationship with Brighton manager Gus Poyet must be the only occurrence of an Uruguayan-Argentine football partnership anywhere. Can you prove me wrong? Let’s make this Monday night miserable for them both.
It was with huge pleasure that I saw my theory that West Ham are the first Championship team in history ever to be affected by the International Break come to superb fruition. While the rest of the country was worrying about Wayne “Bumble Bee” Rooney (I am currently reading an autobiography by English comedian Stewart Lee (fantastic, especially his skit on the Big Brother Racism Scandal—YouTube it if you want to see it), and he finds it amusing to give people nicknames a propos of absolutely nothing in their life or history, so I am shamelessly stealing that idea this week) and his three-match suspension, Hammers were anxiously waiting to see if Baker’s Law of Championship International Breakage (BAKLACHIB) had any legs. Read below to see if it had.
Firstly on the news radar, we sent David “Astronaut” Bentley back to Tottenham. Or he hopped back on crutches. This is not of course the first time this has happened. I immediately think of Mauricio “Dingle” Taricco, who played for West Ham after being signed from the Spuds for a whole 10 minutes. You might remember he ripped up his contract and received the gushing praises from then West Ham manager Alan “Green Bean” Pardew. I had high hopes for Bentley, and it is a shame not to see any of his potential, but then again Bentley was supposed to be the Complete Future of English Football for the Next Generation, if you remember, only a few years ago, and none of that came true either.
He is not the only thing to be taken away from West Ham this week. The Olympic Stadium (to be named the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Stadium when the athletes depart) suddenly is not going to be our new home, the Powers at Be deciding that ongoing legal challenges from both the Roosters of North London and Leyton Orient meant that it was inconceivable to continue negotiations with…or some such legalese. I thought it was a done deal, and I thought I heard all politicians of all stripes saying that their previous decisions were final. As you might have read today, Spurs have now come to an agreement with whoever it was they were fighting with (not Arsenal this time), which translated, I believe, means We’ve hemorrhaged another moolah, let’s finish this now and concentrate on our own Walthamstow expansion plans, and—shock!—Leyton Orient in the last few hours have put together a bid asking if they can now move into what I will now abbreviate as QEOS…but as long as QEOS will have no running track.
Unbelievabubble, as my older brother used to say when he was young, and might still do.
Now, I know many Hammers will be happy by all of this. I am still not sure. I have always had the idea that to be a truly big club, you need a truly big stadium, but then it is the interim supporters who come to watch games week in, week out (before this Golden Age that I am naïvely suggesting might happen, happens) who prefer the intimate atmosphere that is part and parcel of the Boleyn. A tricky conundrum.
The other interesting general footy news is that there is this “campaign” by certain “foreign” (although what does that word mean any more in international business and multicultural Britain?) owners of Premiership clubs to scrap relegation and, thus, more importantly to West Ham and us (the two are indivisible, I know, before angry letters reach me), promotion. This is a nonstarter, which would take the very soul of the game, our national game, away. It also is interesting in that to me it suggests another facet of the Idea of Money protecting itself. Who wouldn’t want a Premiership club that could not be anything but a Premiership club, with the sacks of TV cash that come with it? Of course, many of us live in a country (the US of A) where many people stare blankly at you when you mention the concepts of relegation and promotion. (“Well, it’s like this, Chad and Kasey, you have a job right, and now I am taking that job away from you. Now you have no job. No money. That’s a perfect analogy to being relegated, or as you might say, demoted. In football-, sorry, soccer-speak, that’s Bad D, not Good D. Now say I make a million dollars for myself and I need you again to shift widgits from Peoria, Illinois, to Lafayette, Louisiana, then I would offer you a new job (at less pay, of course), and that is called being promoted, but we do not say Good P because there is every chance that the three newly promoted employees will go straight back down again.)
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 4 Blackpool 0
So my BAKLACHIB Theory proved unerringly correct, as the Hammers put their home games jinx firmly behind them. We have two new heroes, Sam “Jimbo” Baldock and John “Paperclip” Carew, neither of whom are loans but real signings from Milton Keynes Dons and Aston Villa, respectively. We took the game by the scruff of the neck in eight second-half minutes, in which Baldock scored twice and Jack “Pasta Lunch” Collison hit home once, which is nice to see, as Collison represents the Old Guard.
I could not follow the game as it was not on TV (surprise), and there was no reception in Gallatin, New York, where I spent the weekend at my friends’ (one of them a Spud) home they have just finished fixing up. It was only as we came home on the Taconic Parkway that a signal wafted to us and I saw the great news.
And I only managed to see the Carew goal via a grainy, wobbly, handheld video posted by a fan on the Internet. It was a fine header, but many Blackpool supporters blamed their manager Ian Holloway’s choice of having a 5’8” defender mark 6’5” Carew. But this is what I do not understand. When asked about if the Hammers had found a new deadly post-International Break combo in Baldock and Carew, Sam “Fiery Boots” Allerdyce commented that there would not always be the situation in which West Ham can play this formation. Why not? This is not Manchester where they have to continually think of European games and thus have some degree of rotation. I am hoping that this is not Allerdyce thinking beyond his means, believing that whatever he does is ingrained in his own weak concept of football genius. Just win the dame things, Sam, okay!
The Next Matches
Championship; Tues., Oct. 18, 2011; St. Mary’s Stadium, Southampton, Hampshire, Southampton vs. West Ham Utd.
So, suddenly, this might be the Season Defining game, where second-place West Ham overtake first-place Southampton on a Tuesday night where I’ll probably have to leave the office before the final score. Remember (and I am reminding you) of my season-beginning prediction that West Ham would be six points clear at Christmas. This game is not on the TV as far as I know, certainly as it also is a Champions League night.
Championship; Mon., Oct. 24, 2011; Falmer Stadium, Falmer, East Sussex
Brighton & Hove Albion vs. West Ham Utd.
This will be another tricky away game, although Brighton, which started out so well this season, have skidded slightly of late. I mentioned Taricco earlier. Did you know that he is now the assistant manager at Brighton? After injuring himself in his debut game for West Ham, it really was the end of his top-class career, for he then played for a few seasons at A.S. Villasimius, a nonleague Italian club right at the bottom of the island of Sardinia, before playing five games for Brighton. He obviously liked it there, and now his relationship with Brighton manager Gus Poyet must be the only occurrence of an Uruguayan-Argentine football partnership anywhere. Can you prove me wrong? Let’s make this Monday night miserable for them both.
Carlos Tevez Returns (Almost) While Illunga is Shipped Out
October 7, 2011
I am trying to get the newsletter to you a little earlier this week, as I will be jetting off to the Turks & Caicos Islands on Friday. The TCIs are not the most exciting destination on Earth, and I—like Kieron Dyer sitting on the Upton Park bench—get restless very easily; apparently, the most exciting thing about the place is that its former Prime minister, who took full control of a newly created autonomous department within the Commonwealth, supposedly decided the island’s money was indistinguishable from his own, which led the United Kingdom to taking full control again. This sounds like West Ham’s relationship with Iceland, I thought. Do you remember when we were a billionaire's club/toy thing? This lasted for, oh, a week, between Barnie Barnsson Barnstormisson buying the club and the largest single fall ever in the Dow Jones Industrial. Sort of fun while it lasted.
I wrote a few weeks ago that I would not have been surprised if Carlos Tévez returned soon to the Hammers, and it almost turned out to be true. I almost felt smug. As is Paolo di Canio—who called his Swindon Town players “chihuahuas” this week (Why? They have short legs? Small brains? Both?)—Tévez would be awarded a huge cheer if he were to come back to his original British home, but apparently Manchester City are not interested. It’s a common theme nowadays when players get the “strop” to explain to them that the intended course of action is to let them merely rot on the sidelines. Our offer was, however, somewhat usurped by another offer from another football team for the Argentine’s silky services—Northern Irish Premier side Limavady United, whose average attendance is 100 and, so pitiful is its history, the Carlos Tévez “saga” (City did not respond) take sup half of its Wikipedia entry.
In other news, Henrita Illunga, our defender (remember him?), has been shipped out on loan for three months to Doncaster, which at the beginning of Sept. 24 was rock-bottom of the Championship but has since decided that winning is better, with seven points from nine to take them to eight and fifth from bottom. That’s far better than West Ham have done, but of course with the inclusion of Illunga, expect Rovers to catapult back down. Illunga is a curious thing, so good in his first season for us, so bad since. He reminds me of Sebastian Schemmel, who I believe won Hammer of the year one year. I’d be interested to see your other selections for players who were electric one year, the dog’s thingymagigs the next?
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 1, 2011; Selhurst Park, South London
Crystal Palace vs. West Ham Utd.
Another game with absolutely no television coverage. I missed following online the first half, but saw that we were 1-1; then—because I had been for a run—I was sitting there at 2-1 down, thinking, yes, really I should have a shower before the game ends, so when I emerged, I saw that John Carew had scored his first for us. From one shower to the next, you might say, but a point is a point. In his weekly newsletter, Big Sam used up a column to say very little of anything, although this gem—“Now having tested the squad, I am getting more and more confident that people can drop out and others can come in and deliver a performance as good as the lads they've replaced”—depresses me on both linguistic and footballing levels.
John Carew’s goal was very good, and George McCartney’s cross was brilliant. In fact, McCartney was involved in both games, so he takes the plaudits as the Hammer of the Day. I say all this having analysed 51 seconds of Russian-broadcast highlights.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs. Blackpool
After our disappointing run of games after the last international break (four games, 1 win, 1 loss, 2 draws, 5 points from 12), it must bode well that we have another global pause for when England get the one point it needs against Macedonia to secure plane tickets and iPod bans in the Ukraine and Poland next year for the Euro Champs, when we can all once again salivate over the Steven Gerrard-Frank Lampard question and as to whether John Terry is too old.
Blackpool hammered five past poor Bristol City, who are rock-bottom, last week, and David “Calamity” James was not even to blame, now keeping his upper thighs warm on the bench. Two points behind West Ham is its current spot, but we will put an end to its brazen race upwards.
Goals—Mark Noble, John Carew and Matty Taylor, 3-0
I am trying to get the newsletter to you a little earlier this week, as I will be jetting off to the Turks & Caicos Islands on Friday. The TCIs are not the most exciting destination on Earth, and I—like Kieron Dyer sitting on the Upton Park bench—get restless very easily; apparently, the most exciting thing about the place is that its former Prime minister, who took full control of a newly created autonomous department within the Commonwealth, supposedly decided the island’s money was indistinguishable from his own, which led the United Kingdom to taking full control again. This sounds like West Ham’s relationship with Iceland, I thought. Do you remember when we were a billionaire's club/toy thing? This lasted for, oh, a week, between Barnie Barnsson Barnstormisson buying the club and the largest single fall ever in the Dow Jones Industrial. Sort of fun while it lasted.
I wrote a few weeks ago that I would not have been surprised if Carlos Tévez returned soon to the Hammers, and it almost turned out to be true. I almost felt smug. As is Paolo di Canio—who called his Swindon Town players “chihuahuas” this week (Why? They have short legs? Small brains? Both?)—Tévez would be awarded a huge cheer if he were to come back to his original British home, but apparently Manchester City are not interested. It’s a common theme nowadays when players get the “strop” to explain to them that the intended course of action is to let them merely rot on the sidelines. Our offer was, however, somewhat usurped by another offer from another football team for the Argentine’s silky services—Northern Irish Premier side Limavady United, whose average attendance is 100 and, so pitiful is its history, the Carlos Tévez “saga” (City did not respond) take sup half of its Wikipedia entry.
In other news, Henrita Illunga, our defender (remember him?), has been shipped out on loan for three months to Doncaster, which at the beginning of Sept. 24 was rock-bottom of the Championship but has since decided that winning is better, with seven points from nine to take them to eight and fifth from bottom. That’s far better than West Ham have done, but of course with the inclusion of Illunga, expect Rovers to catapult back down. Illunga is a curious thing, so good in his first season for us, so bad since. He reminds me of Sebastian Schemmel, who I believe won Hammer of the year one year. I’d be interested to see your other selections for players who were electric one year, the dog’s thingymagigs the next?
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 1, 2011; Selhurst Park, South London
Crystal Palace vs. West Ham Utd.
Another game with absolutely no television coverage. I missed following online the first half, but saw that we were 1-1; then—because I had been for a run—I was sitting there at 2-1 down, thinking, yes, really I should have a shower before the game ends, so when I emerged, I saw that John Carew had scored his first for us. From one shower to the next, you might say, but a point is a point. In his weekly newsletter, Big Sam used up a column to say very little of anything, although this gem—“Now having tested the squad, I am getting more and more confident that people can drop out and others can come in and deliver a performance as good as the lads they've replaced”—depresses me on both linguistic and footballing levels.
John Carew’s goal was very good, and George McCartney’s cross was brilliant. In fact, McCartney was involved in both games, so he takes the plaudits as the Hammer of the Day. I say all this having analysed 51 seconds of Russian-broadcast highlights.
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. vs. Blackpool
After our disappointing run of games after the last international break (four games, 1 win, 1 loss, 2 draws, 5 points from 12), it must bode well that we have another global pause for when England get the one point it needs against Macedonia to secure plane tickets and iPod bans in the Ukraine and Poland next year for the Euro Champs, when we can all once again salivate over the Steven Gerrard-Frank Lampard question and as to whether John Terry is too old.
Blackpool hammered five past poor Bristol City, who are rock-bottom, last week, and David “Calamity” James was not even to blame, now keeping his upper thighs warm on the bench. Two points behind West Ham is its current spot, but we will put an end to its brazen race upwards.
Goals—Mark Noble, John Carew and Matty Taylor, 3-0
King of Pop and Childish Folly
Picture the scene. I was walking along the glorious Thames between Putney and Hammersmith one beautiful, warm August day a month or so ago while on a 10-day visit back to England. The chiffchaffs were singing boldly in the trees, the blackberries were dripping off the branches in sweet acquiescence and the Harvey Sussex Best was pumping purposefully from the riverside public houses….when…when I looked up to see the horror that is Fulham Football Club, the team that has so little history (yes, I know Bobby Moore went there, and yes, Alan Mullery came from there and yes, they are the oldest professional team in London) that it felt an ardent desire to erect this monstrosity.
It is at the back of the club, so most supporters cannot see it or, very sadly if this is the case, have to make a concerted effort to visit it, but as I walked by and stared at it through Nikon binoculars, I saw 14 seagulls crash into it in collective disbelief or a shared lemming-like death pact. Probably the latter. London’s lost it, they must have squawked.
Much better to have put up a statue of Bobby Zamora scoring the winning Play-off goal against Preston North End in 2005, I would have thought. I think you will notice that the statue shows less the supposed King of Pop (although I would elect David Sylvian for that role), but rather a nonplussed man suddenly being terrorised by a gang of leaping sticklebacks.
Championship; Saturday, Sept. 24, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Peterborough Utd. 0
Championship; Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd 0 Ipswich Town 1
Can you name me one other team plying its trade in the Championship that has been so aversely affected by the International Break? Usually that honour is reserved for Premiership teams, but how else can one explain 14 goals scored in four Championship games before the break and none scored in the three Championship games after it, at least goals scored in open play? The only goal recently has been Mark Noble’s penalty (and three points, mind) against Peterborough—a win is a win is a win—and it is a little depressing to see us once again capitulate in the last few minutes, as much as it was to see that it was Lee Bowyer who inflicted the damage. Did he ever score for us? I seem to remember him only scoring for us against rubbish teams where someone else in the team no doubt would have done so if he hadn’t, and I also remember him being in the team during that painful afternoon in which we was beaten 6-0 by Reading. Reading!
The commentary that dismal day stated that “this West Ham side has three main problems: a jittery defence, a non-existent midfield and a miserable excuse for an attack.”
Pray that that is not the case, too, now.
It’s too early to panic, and we are where we want to be, but come on, chaps, stuff the holes with cotton wool and stop making it easy for Robert Green to walk away dignity intact come January.
Was Matty Taylor being rested? Apart from Winston Reid not playing, the team against Ipswich (home: 0-1) was the same as that of us against Nottingham Forest (away: 1-4), with the exception of Taylor and Jack Collison, so what was the special, missing or present ingredient? A continual fear of home matches?
A need for Sam Allardyce to make some drastic announcements?
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 1, 2011; Selhurst Park, South London
Crystal Palace vs. West Ham Utd.
A drastic announcement from me would be to publicly confess a dire admission that I might have whispered already on occasion, that occasion being three pints in. Here we go: I once was a supporter of Crystal Palace F.C.
Yes, a very sordid affair. Back in October 1972, my dad asked if I wanted a football kit for Christmas, there also being a need to order these things early to avoid disappointment. I said I did. What team, he asked? I don’t know, I said. So, looking along my Shoot magazine league ladder (in which you collected and repositioned team tabs every Sunday depending on that weekend’s Saturday results) I came across a combination of pretty words (ever the writer, I guess) that said “Crystal Palace.” Crystal Palace, I said, and along came the shirt that had a round neck and a stripe of claret and also one of blue on a white background. I used to wear this to play football on Dartford Heath.
Six months later, Palace was relegated along with West Bromwich Albion. Oh, the shame! I had to glance again at the Shoot league ladder, at which point I saw that there was another team with the same colours (yes, I know Palace today have brighter reds and blues, but back in the day of Alan Birchenall, Mel Blyth and Dave Swindlehurst, their colours matched those of the Hammers.
Added to the pain (I was not quite seven years old then), my primary school teacher mentioned in assembly that he, John Evans, was not the only Palace supporter in my Northwest Kent school, because also there was now new pupil, fresh up from infants school, Terry Baker, who also I have learnt from his father supports…. My head sunk low, low, low.
I do not seem to remember receiving ridicule, perhaps because I was not that year boasting of many Palace wins and we all had moved on school, even though it was for nearly everyone a case of going from Barnehurst Infants to Barnehurst Primary in the same building more or less. So, quickly, I chose another team with the same colours, and maybe by this time I knew something of the geography of England and was in no way likely to choose Aston Villa, Burnley or Scunthorpe. I support West Ham I boldly announced that same week, the first week of Big Boys and Girls School, “I ‘ave no idea wot the ‘eadmaster’s on about, inn’t, silly git!”
West Ham finished, you might remember, sixth in that same year, although 18th the next, which might have sobered me up a little.
Of course, the season after that we won the FA Cup, and that was it, and you are still lumbered with me. Please forgive me my childish folly.
My prediction: Crystal Palace 0 West Ham Utd. 2…Nolan and Tomkins.
It is at the back of the club, so most supporters cannot see it or, very sadly if this is the case, have to make a concerted effort to visit it, but as I walked by and stared at it through Nikon binoculars, I saw 14 seagulls crash into it in collective disbelief or a shared lemming-like death pact. Probably the latter. London’s lost it, they must have squawked.
Much better to have put up a statue of Bobby Zamora scoring the winning Play-off goal against Preston North End in 2005, I would have thought. I think you will notice that the statue shows less the supposed King of Pop (although I would elect David Sylvian for that role), but rather a nonplussed man suddenly being terrorised by a gang of leaping sticklebacks.
Championship; Saturday, Sept. 24, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Peterborough Utd. 0
Championship; Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd 0 Ipswich Town 1
Can you name me one other team plying its trade in the Championship that has been so aversely affected by the International Break? Usually that honour is reserved for Premiership teams, but how else can one explain 14 goals scored in four Championship games before the break and none scored in the three Championship games after it, at least goals scored in open play? The only goal recently has been Mark Noble’s penalty (and three points, mind) against Peterborough—a win is a win is a win—and it is a little depressing to see us once again capitulate in the last few minutes, as much as it was to see that it was Lee Bowyer who inflicted the damage. Did he ever score for us? I seem to remember him only scoring for us against rubbish teams where someone else in the team no doubt would have done so if he hadn’t, and I also remember him being in the team during that painful afternoon in which we was beaten 6-0 by Reading. Reading!
The commentary that dismal day stated that “this West Ham side has three main problems: a jittery defence, a non-existent midfield and a miserable excuse for an attack.”
Pray that that is not the case, too, now.
It’s too early to panic, and we are where we want to be, but come on, chaps, stuff the holes with cotton wool and stop making it easy for Robert Green to walk away dignity intact come January.
Was Matty Taylor being rested? Apart from Winston Reid not playing, the team against Ipswich (home: 0-1) was the same as that of us against Nottingham Forest (away: 1-4), with the exception of Taylor and Jack Collison, so what was the special, missing or present ingredient? A continual fear of home matches?
A need for Sam Allardyce to make some drastic announcements?
The Next Match
Championship; Saturday, Oct. 1, 2011; Selhurst Park, South London
Crystal Palace vs. West Ham Utd.
A drastic announcement from me would be to publicly confess a dire admission that I might have whispered already on occasion, that occasion being three pints in. Here we go: I once was a supporter of Crystal Palace F.C.
Yes, a very sordid affair. Back in October 1972, my dad asked if I wanted a football kit for Christmas, there also being a need to order these things early to avoid disappointment. I said I did. What team, he asked? I don’t know, I said. So, looking along my Shoot magazine league ladder (in which you collected and repositioned team tabs every Sunday depending on that weekend’s Saturday results) I came across a combination of pretty words (ever the writer, I guess) that said “Crystal Palace.” Crystal Palace, I said, and along came the shirt that had a round neck and a stripe of claret and also one of blue on a white background. I used to wear this to play football on Dartford Heath.
Six months later, Palace was relegated along with West Bromwich Albion. Oh, the shame! I had to glance again at the Shoot league ladder, at which point I saw that there was another team with the same colours (yes, I know Palace today have brighter reds and blues, but back in the day of Alan Birchenall, Mel Blyth and Dave Swindlehurst, their colours matched those of the Hammers.
Added to the pain (I was not quite seven years old then), my primary school teacher mentioned in assembly that he, John Evans, was not the only Palace supporter in my Northwest Kent school, because also there was now new pupil, fresh up from infants school, Terry Baker, who also I have learnt from his father supports…. My head sunk low, low, low.
I do not seem to remember receiving ridicule, perhaps because I was not that year boasting of many Palace wins and we all had moved on school, even though it was for nearly everyone a case of going from Barnehurst Infants to Barnehurst Primary in the same building more or less. So, quickly, I chose another team with the same colours, and maybe by this time I knew something of the geography of England and was in no way likely to choose Aston Villa, Burnley or Scunthorpe. I support West Ham I boldly announced that same week, the first week of Big Boys and Girls School, “I ‘ave no idea wot the ‘eadmaster’s on about, inn’t, silly git!”
West Ham finished, you might remember, sixth in that same year, although 18th the next, which might have sobered me up a little.
Of course, the season after that we won the FA Cup, and that was it, and you are still lumbered with me. Please forgive me my childish folly.
My prediction: Crystal Palace 0 West Ham Utd. 2…Nolan and Tomkins.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Margins and Stats
Championship, Tues., Aug. 16, 2011—7:45 p.m. EST
Vicarage Road, Watford, Hertfordshire
Watford 0 West Ham Utd, 4
Can you even remember the last time we won by this margin away from home? I do remember salivating over David Cross’ four away goals (the last, a volley off his shin; all against the pug-ugly Pat Jennings) against Tottenham in the early 80s, and then there was that 0-4 win against Chelsea, thanks to goals from Tony Cottee, Frank McAvennie and Alan Devonshire, but that was one of the best sides the Hammers have ever had.
Keeping on statistics, I was also trying to remember the last time we won two away games on the trot. Any idea? I think it was Birmingham and Reading in 07/08, and then I got obsessed, thinking, well, these are both now Championship sides, too, so when was the last time we beat two currently Premiership sides away from home in a row. The answer to that is this week’s question (see below), but the time before that, I believe, was back-to back games against Blackburn and Arsenal in 06/07, the last game still giving me nightmares—the Arsenal attack was utterly relentless, and after they had hit every piece of wood or body part of the West Ham goal and team, respectively, one rather had the impression that we’d win the game 0-1, which we did, thanks to that Bobby Zamora lurch and chip over the head of Jens “I’m Mad” Lehmann.
And when was the last time we even won two games in a row? That’s another question that does not fill me with too much joy, as it happened only once each season over at least the last two seasons. Last season, it was the Liverpool-Stoke games, of course.
Anyway, back to the Watford Wasting. I also said after the Cardiff game that I though Joey O’Brien had the making of perhaps a new Matty Etherington, and indeed in this game he got his first Hammers goal. The other successful deployment-of-ball-in-back-of-opposition-net came thanks to Carlton Cole (and I do not know why I always feel so relieved when he scores, as though I do not expect another for aeons (the same can be said of Frédéric Piquionne)), James Tompkins (who might be doubtful for the Leeds game) and Scott Parker.
One chap commenting on one of the Hammers forums said that Parker did not hastily join in the goal celebrations, and was this a sign that he has one foot out of the door? Probably he would not have celebrated his goal anyway, coming as it did in the 92nd minute when we were already 0-3 up.
And thanks to reader Jack Hess, who kindly will now send me the weekly “Hello Everyone!” newsletters from manager Sam Allerdyce, who actually signs off with a “Big Sam.” Here is one jewel of Mr. Allerdyce’s unique literary style (and it’s not really called “Hello Everyone!”)…
“As Watford began to falter in breaking us down because our defence was extremely solid, we then started to get in amongst them in midfield and Joey O’Brien scored the killer second just before half–time.”
Agh, you must love run-on sentences as much as I do. Well, I guess it’s not quite one, but the use of “because of” rather than “due to” needs some midweek work being done at the Chadwell Health training complex. As Alan Devonshire would have been able to tell Big Sam, “due to” is an adjectival prepositional phrase, because (used correctly here, please note, Mr. Allerdyce) it is modifying a noun, that being Watford’s breaking down, or perhaps “breakdown.” “Because of” is an adverbial prepositional phrase, one that modifies a verb.
Okay, that’s enough of me being very boring. I also saw in that newsletter that VIP hospitality for the West Ham-Leeds game costs £49 but includes “exclusive bar access” and “a free drink,” the latter rather cancelling out the initial delight of the former, I would have thought. As the rearranged Aldershot League Cup game is an evening kickoff, you can add “pie and mash” to this heady offering.
And lastly, talking of high scoring 0-something matches, my friend Brian, a Grimsby supporter (yes, there are some) wrote to me saying that Grimsby are so far down on their luck (they have had a spell in the Championship), they this week lost to Conference team Braintree 5-0. And do you know who currently manages Braintree, not too far up the road from West Ham? Not only the Dev himself, Alan “I’ll Take the District Line, thanks” Devonshire, who began its manager only in May. Hurrahs all round!!!!
This week, I’ve been all praise for West Ham, all criticism for its marketing staff (I am sure Big Sam doesn’t actually write his own material).
Vicarage Road, Watford, Hertfordshire
Watford 0 West Ham Utd, 4
Can you even remember the last time we won by this margin away from home? I do remember salivating over David Cross’ four away goals (the last, a volley off his shin; all against the pug-ugly Pat Jennings) against Tottenham in the early 80s, and then there was that 0-4 win against Chelsea, thanks to goals from Tony Cottee, Frank McAvennie and Alan Devonshire, but that was one of the best sides the Hammers have ever had.
Keeping on statistics, I was also trying to remember the last time we won two away games on the trot. Any idea? I think it was Birmingham and Reading in 07/08, and then I got obsessed, thinking, well, these are both now Championship sides, too, so when was the last time we beat two currently Premiership sides away from home in a row. The answer to that is this week’s question (see below), but the time before that, I believe, was back-to back games against Blackburn and Arsenal in 06/07, the last game still giving me nightmares—the Arsenal attack was utterly relentless, and after they had hit every piece of wood or body part of the West Ham goal and team, respectively, one rather had the impression that we’d win the game 0-1, which we did, thanks to that Bobby Zamora lurch and chip over the head of Jens “I’m Mad” Lehmann.
And when was the last time we even won two games in a row? That’s another question that does not fill me with too much joy, as it happened only once each season over at least the last two seasons. Last season, it was the Liverpool-Stoke games, of course.
Anyway, back to the Watford Wasting. I also said after the Cardiff game that I though Joey O’Brien had the making of perhaps a new Matty Etherington, and indeed in this game he got his first Hammers goal. The other successful deployment-of-ball-in-back-of-opposition-net came thanks to Carlton Cole (and I do not know why I always feel so relieved when he scores, as though I do not expect another for aeons (the same can be said of Frédéric Piquionne)), James Tompkins (who might be doubtful for the Leeds game) and Scott Parker.
One chap commenting on one of the Hammers forums said that Parker did not hastily join in the goal celebrations, and was this a sign that he has one foot out of the door? Probably he would not have celebrated his goal anyway, coming as it did in the 92nd minute when we were already 0-3 up.
And thanks to reader Jack Hess, who kindly will now send me the weekly “Hello Everyone!” newsletters from manager Sam Allerdyce, who actually signs off with a “Big Sam.” Here is one jewel of Mr. Allerdyce’s unique literary style (and it’s not really called “Hello Everyone!”)…
“As Watford began to falter in breaking us down because our defence was extremely solid, we then started to get in amongst them in midfield and Joey O’Brien scored the killer second just before half–time.”
Agh, you must love run-on sentences as much as I do. Well, I guess it’s not quite one, but the use of “because of” rather than “due to” needs some midweek work being done at the Chadwell Health training complex. As Alan Devonshire would have been able to tell Big Sam, “due to” is an adjectival prepositional phrase, because (used correctly here, please note, Mr. Allerdyce) it is modifying a noun, that being Watford’s breaking down, or perhaps “breakdown.” “Because of” is an adverbial prepositional phrase, one that modifies a verb.
Okay, that’s enough of me being very boring. I also saw in that newsletter that VIP hospitality for the West Ham-Leeds game costs £49 but includes “exclusive bar access” and “a free drink,” the latter rather cancelling out the initial delight of the former, I would have thought. As the rearranged Aldershot League Cup game is an evening kickoff, you can add “pie and mash” to this heady offering.
And lastly, talking of high scoring 0-something matches, my friend Brian, a Grimsby supporter (yes, there are some) wrote to me saying that Grimsby are so far down on their luck (they have had a spell in the Championship), they this week lost to Conference team Braintree 5-0. And do you know who currently manages Braintree, not too far up the road from West Ham? Not only the Dev himself, Alan “I’ll Take the District Line, thanks” Devonshire, who began its manager only in May. Hurrahs all round!!!!
This week, I’ve been all praise for West Ham, all criticism for its marketing staff (I am sure Big Sam doesn’t actually write his own material).
Soccer, British TV and the BBC
Championship, Tues., Aug. 16, 2011—7:45 p.m. EST
Vicarage Road, Watford, Hertfordshire
Watford vs West Ham Utd,
I am predicting a second West Ham away win on the trot. Watford has had the kind of form in the Championship over the last dozen games as West Ham had in the Premiership/Championship over the same time period up to the Doncaster win (see below). Julian Faubert is now fit, and John Carew is being looked at as being potentially match fit, although I doubt we will see him in this game.
Here’s a question. When I was a kid there was a show on British TV showed that was centered on a group of young football fans. They were in the Watford junior supporters’ club, and each episode had various problems to sort out—truancy, stolen club funds, betrayal, that kind of stuff—and the action, such as it was, was often divided by awful segues into taped, “real” Watford games. One was supposed to believe that the actors were actually there. It all felt slightly similar to Grange Hill, if you remember that, which I am sure you do if you are around 40 (not that I am!!!!). Anyway, does anyone remember the name of that Watford show? Maybe you refused to watch it on principle? This was in the early 80s, and some of you might remember it as a year when Watford actually for a couple of weeks topped the First Division and had in Luther Blissett, the league’s top goal scorer, who was then signed to AC Milan. (I also remember with some pain when Millwall was top of the First Division in 1988.)
Last GameChampionship, Sat., Aug. 13, 2011
Keepmoat Stadium, Doncaster, Yorkshire
Doncaster Rovers 0 West Ham Utd. 1
Okay, so this blog is no shorter than any of the others, is it? As we all probably realised, BBC Radio London on its Website kept saying that I was listening to was commentary on Doncaster-West Ham when in fact what it was was QPR-Bolton, which was entertaining, especially as I was in a very good mood after running nine miles and still getting home after a shower and with a coffee to listen to England mop up the last wickets in the Third Test against India.
Anyway, the one goal came early, a surge forwards by James Tompkins, a lay-off to Jack Collison, who moved around a Doncaster midfielder and lobbed it over the heads of several defenders to meet the boot of Kevin Nolan, who half-volleyed into the roof of the net. It was pretty much impossible to defend. Nolan came close to a second, a delightful chip-shot hitting the crossbar. West Ham dominated, but Doncaster had a header that went inches wide, with Rob Green stranded. So, we got our first three points (something we did precious little last season), and we’re on our way.
Vicarage Road, Watford, Hertfordshire
Watford vs West Ham Utd,
I am predicting a second West Ham away win on the trot. Watford has had the kind of form in the Championship over the last dozen games as West Ham had in the Premiership/Championship over the same time period up to the Doncaster win (see below). Julian Faubert is now fit, and John Carew is being looked at as being potentially match fit, although I doubt we will see him in this game.
Here’s a question. When I was a kid there was a show on British TV showed that was centered on a group of young football fans. They were in the Watford junior supporters’ club, and each episode had various problems to sort out—truancy, stolen club funds, betrayal, that kind of stuff—and the action, such as it was, was often divided by awful segues into taped, “real” Watford games. One was supposed to believe that the actors were actually there. It all felt slightly similar to Grange Hill, if you remember that, which I am sure you do if you are around 40 (not that I am!!!!). Anyway, does anyone remember the name of that Watford show? Maybe you refused to watch it on principle? This was in the early 80s, and some of you might remember it as a year when Watford actually for a couple of weeks topped the First Division and had in Luther Blissett, the league’s top goal scorer, who was then signed to AC Milan. (I also remember with some pain when Millwall was top of the First Division in 1988.)
Last GameChampionship, Sat., Aug. 13, 2011
Keepmoat Stadium, Doncaster, Yorkshire
Doncaster Rovers 0 West Ham Utd. 1
Okay, so this blog is no shorter than any of the others, is it? As we all probably realised, BBC Radio London on its Website kept saying that I was listening to was commentary on Doncaster-West Ham when in fact what it was was QPR-Bolton, which was entertaining, especially as I was in a very good mood after running nine miles and still getting home after a shower and with a coffee to listen to England mop up the last wickets in the Third Test against India.
Anyway, the one goal came early, a surge forwards by James Tompkins, a lay-off to Jack Collison, who moved around a Doncaster midfielder and lobbed it over the heads of several defenders to meet the boot of Kevin Nolan, who half-volleyed into the roof of the net. It was pretty much impossible to defend. Nolan came close to a second, a delightful chip-shot hitting the crossbar. West Ham dominated, but Doncaster had a header that went inches wide, with Rob Green stranded. So, we got our first three points (something we did precious little last season), and we’re on our way.
Hammers Dominate...... And, Lose
Championship, Sun., Aug. 7, 2011
Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Cardiff City 1
The Hammers dominated this game but came away with nothing. I was very impressed with Henrita Illunga and Winston Reid (and no one said that last season), but it was an Illunga error (trying to be too clever with five minutes to go) that led to the one and only goal. The fact that no one watching groaned too loudly is testament to how long the amassed fans have supported the team.
A colleague of mine (Spanish-American) has a nephew whose Long Island team won the regional finals of a club competition and thus travelled to Los Angeles for the national finals. At this level, it was their World Cup. They did not do so well there, but to get to the finals they were in a game that they were winning 2-0. This was as far as my friend explained the goings-on to me, and then he said, the opposition team got one back with five minutes to go, and we really felt the tension. I already had the scenario in mind. The opposition gets the equaliser in injury time and then….”I said, my goodness, you really do know what it’s like to be a West Ham supporter.” I think that long-winded story (and thanks for reading it) pretty much sums up the last 39 games, if not many more.
Time for panic? No. But as was stated, every Championship club will view a West Ham fixture as a mini-F.A. Cup and stick 10 men behind the ball, waiting for the time to counterattack when Hammer frustration kicks in.
Scott Parker looked absent, and maybe he will be permanently soon, and Kevin Nolan missed two sitters. How his goalline-header chance bypassed him, I do not know. And of course, our new manager exercised his administrational right to not make any substitutions before the 70th minute, thus not allowing Carlton Cole to get fully into the game. Freddie Sears was poor.
Two brighter lights came from Matty Taylor, who was a live wire, and, to a lesser extent, Joey O’Brien, who reminds me a little of Matty Etherington, now at Stoke, where he was joined this week by Matthew Upson.
Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Cardiff City 1
The Hammers dominated this game but came away with nothing. I was very impressed with Henrita Illunga and Winston Reid (and no one said that last season), but it was an Illunga error (trying to be too clever with five minutes to go) that led to the one and only goal. The fact that no one watching groaned too loudly is testament to how long the amassed fans have supported the team.
A colleague of mine (Spanish-American) has a nephew whose Long Island team won the regional finals of a club competition and thus travelled to Los Angeles for the national finals. At this level, it was their World Cup. They did not do so well there, but to get to the finals they were in a game that they were winning 2-0. This was as far as my friend explained the goings-on to me, and then he said, the opposition team got one back with five minutes to go, and we really felt the tension. I already had the scenario in mind. The opposition gets the equaliser in injury time and then….”I said, my goodness, you really do know what it’s like to be a West Ham supporter.” I think that long-winded story (and thanks for reading it) pretty much sums up the last 39 games, if not many more.
Time for panic? No. But as was stated, every Championship club will view a West Ham fixture as a mini-F.A. Cup and stick 10 men behind the ball, waiting for the time to counterattack when Hammer frustration kicks in.
Scott Parker looked absent, and maybe he will be permanently soon, and Kevin Nolan missed two sitters. How his goalline-header chance bypassed him, I do not know. And of course, our new manager exercised his administrational right to not make any substitutions before the 70th minute, thus not allowing Carlton Cole to get fully into the game. Freddie Sears was poor.
Two brighter lights came from Matty Taylor, who was a live wire, and, to a lesser extent, Joey O’Brien, who reminds me a little of Matty Etherington, now at Stoke, where he was joined this week by Matthew Upson.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Plum Bottom
Dear West Ham United-loving New York Flyers,
As I said, during the off-season there will not be regular weekly updates, but I thought enough has gone on recently to warrant me raising my hand above the parapet and waving. I also waited until that inevitable—but still painful—day when the BBC removed West Ham from its Premiership link and shoved it forcibly into its Championship one…at least last season, when all teams were on 0 points, we started third from bottom, above Wigan and Wolves…this season, we start plum bottom already.
Gone of course from the Chadwell Heath training ground are Matthew Upson and Robbie Keane, but I am still confused as to the status of Kieron Dyer, who, my spies say, was seen running on the training pitch one. Did you know he was earning £83,000 a week, and that his deal also included £424,000 a season for image rights (!) and £100,000 as a loyalty fee, which I assume he still earnt. He only played for us 22 times, but who could argue he was not loyal if he at least was regularly driving in to sit on the physio’s lap.
Gone also are Demba Ba to Sunderland; Radoslav Kovacs (thank goodness) to FC Basel, and, not so shouted out across the loudspeaker system, Manuel Da Costa to Lokomotiv Moscow. I guess he was sent into exile in more ways than one, but I think I would have personally wanted him to stay. Presumably, he’ll play alongside Victor Obinna, right? As we know, most players have clauses in their contract saying they can leave if we get relegated…and talking about relegation, well, at least the Hammers are aware of the possibility and even see it once in a while, but Buenos Aires’ River Plate…no…but there they are, relegated to the Argentine second division for the first time in 110 years. The fans did not take it well. When West Ham go down, we just sulk for a while and wish bad things for Neil Warnock; River Plate fans, meanwhile, trash the stadium, get propelled back into Row YZ by water cannon and shoot a few traffic cops. And they were booted out by a team known as Belgrano de Córdoba, which hails from Argentina’s second-largest city and is named after the chap who designed the Argentine flag—Manuel José Joaquín del Corazón de Jesús Belgrano; he was also the person who the ship was named after that was sunk during the Falklands War.
Anyway, coming into West Ham are Kevin Nolan, which still surprises a few people, considering he was Newcastle’s captain last season, has scored 50 Premiership goals and seems to be a pretty decent player well liked by Toon fans. Was he at the end of his contract, or does he just want to be with Sam Allerdyce? Abdoulaye Faye is another one who cannot stand be away from Big Sam’s paternal arms, having played for the new manager’s former Bolton and Newcastle teams. He was out of contract at Stoke and also takes over the position from Ba as the Hammers’ token Senegalese, although the astute among you (which is all of you) will state that that Faye was born in Senegal, while Ba was born in France of Senegalese parents. Nolan’s signing might be important, especially as it is likely our talisman Scott Parker will leave. It shows players umming and erring as whether to leave that West Ham do show something resembling business.
Some among this newsletter’s populace recently were at Upton Park discussing our bright claret and blue future, where the largest statement, and from Breshnev Sullivan, was that the board made a mistake in hiring Avram Grant. You don’t say! We could have told you this after the Scott Parker halftime rant against West Brom, when everyone else was immediately asking if that wasn’t perhaps Grant’s duty.
And lastly, not that I watched it, but in the final of the CONCACAF Gold Cup, Mexico beat the U.S. due in part by two goals by forgotten Hammer Pablo Berrera. Mmmmm, pause for thought, or is that pause for fault, at least when he plays for us. Maybe next season’s team will be created around Nolan, Berrera and Julian Faubert?
Know any other news? Send to me at the above email address.
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
As I said, during the off-season there will not be regular weekly updates, but I thought enough has gone on recently to warrant me raising my hand above the parapet and waving. I also waited until that inevitable—but still painful—day when the BBC removed West Ham from its Premiership link and shoved it forcibly into its Championship one…at least last season, when all teams were on 0 points, we started third from bottom, above Wigan and Wolves…this season, we start plum bottom already.
Gone of course from the Chadwell Heath training ground are Matthew Upson and Robbie Keane, but I am still confused as to the status of Kieron Dyer, who, my spies say, was seen running on the training pitch one. Did you know he was earning £83,000 a week, and that his deal also included £424,000 a season for image rights (!) and £100,000 as a loyalty fee, which I assume he still earnt. He only played for us 22 times, but who could argue he was not loyal if he at least was regularly driving in to sit on the physio’s lap.
Gone also are Demba Ba to Sunderland; Radoslav Kovacs (thank goodness) to FC Basel, and, not so shouted out across the loudspeaker system, Manuel Da Costa to Lokomotiv Moscow. I guess he was sent into exile in more ways than one, but I think I would have personally wanted him to stay. Presumably, he’ll play alongside Victor Obinna, right? As we know, most players have clauses in their contract saying they can leave if we get relegated…and talking about relegation, well, at least the Hammers are aware of the possibility and even see it once in a while, but Buenos Aires’ River Plate…no…but there they are, relegated to the Argentine second division for the first time in 110 years. The fans did not take it well. When West Ham go down, we just sulk for a while and wish bad things for Neil Warnock; River Plate fans, meanwhile, trash the stadium, get propelled back into Row YZ by water cannon and shoot a few traffic cops. And they were booted out by a team known as Belgrano de Córdoba, which hails from Argentina’s second-largest city and is named after the chap who designed the Argentine flag—Manuel José Joaquín del Corazón de Jesús Belgrano; he was also the person who the ship was named after that was sunk during the Falklands War.
Anyway, coming into West Ham are Kevin Nolan, which still surprises a few people, considering he was Newcastle’s captain last season, has scored 50 Premiership goals and seems to be a pretty decent player well liked by Toon fans. Was he at the end of his contract, or does he just want to be with Sam Allerdyce? Abdoulaye Faye is another one who cannot stand be away from Big Sam’s paternal arms, having played for the new manager’s former Bolton and Newcastle teams. He was out of contract at Stoke and also takes over the position from Ba as the Hammers’ token Senegalese, although the astute among you (which is all of you) will state that that Faye was born in Senegal, while Ba was born in France of Senegalese parents. Nolan’s signing might be important, especially as it is likely our talisman Scott Parker will leave. It shows players umming and erring as whether to leave that West Ham do show something resembling business.
Some among this newsletter’s populace recently were at Upton Park discussing our bright claret and blue future, where the largest statement, and from Breshnev Sullivan, was that the board made a mistake in hiring Avram Grant. You don’t say! We could have told you this after the Scott Parker halftime rant against West Brom, when everyone else was immediately asking if that wasn’t perhaps Grant’s duty.
And lastly, not that I watched it, but in the final of the CONCACAF Gold Cup, Mexico beat the U.S. due in part by two goals by forgotten Hammer Pablo Berrera. Mmmmm, pause for thought, or is that pause for fault, at least when he plays for us. Maybe next season’s team will be created around Nolan, Berrera and Julian Faubert?
Know any other news? Send to me at the above email address.
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Theory
Dear Hammers,
Theory—This is how it is, those of you fearing the worst. Avram Grant, who knows his recent history, understands implicitly that the most exciting year in recent Hammers history (at least in hindsight) was the Great Escape of 2006/07, so he wants us to have a season like that, only much, much, much better. But he thought—actually, hopefully, is still thinking—that that squad had a talisman in Carlos Tévez. What to do this season? But worry not, my friends, for Grant is ahead of the game, already having bought this season’s talisman, Robbie Keane, in the January transfer window. And look at the clear facts—Carlos (6) Tévez (5); foreigner on dodgy contract—Robbie (6) Keane (5); dodgy foreigner, no contact (see below). Eerie, huh! Indeed, Grant has started writing the wily Irishman’s name on the team sheet as Robbie Kéane. I feel better all ready.
Not happy with failing to get to Europe, Tottenham Hotspur is now trying to lose again by wrestling the Olympic Stadium from West Ham. They’ve widened the review, apparently, but what that means I do not know. We need that stadium when we survive the drop this year and reach the UEFA Cup next year. Or, how else can we entertain properly Milton Keynes Dons next season, I do not know…not that we’re going down.
West Ham Utd. 1 Blackburn Rovers 1 (Upton Park, East London); English Premiership), Saturday, May 7, 2011.
We hardly looked like a team with a purpose, considering statistically we had the lion’s (and I’m not talking about Millwall) share of the possession. What I remember is how slow we were when we did have the ball in a shooting opportunity; Demba Ba was slow; Carlton Cole was only marginally better, and Freddie Sears was hopeless, a Championship player at best. Frédéric Piquionne came on, as we were screaming for Grant to do so, to better effect, but then how on earth Robbie Kéane missed that sitter that came from his excellent pass, I have no idea. That was our season right there, that and some bozo at Aston Villa who was clear though and then proceeded to shoot the ball straight at the Wigan goalie. After us going down 0-1 and Wigan going up 1-0, it would have been the nice kind of pathos for it all to have been reversed in the last few minutes of both games.
Then, of course, Wolves beat West Brom, and now we have it all to do…which of course we will do so….hurrah!
Man of the Match—Manuel da Costa. I thought he played well, even though he—and everyone else—was napping on Clacton Seafront when Blackburn scored the opening goal.
Quiz of the Week
Last week’s question.
In the 1980s what player did we buy from Bournemouth and later, after three seasons, sell to Blackburn Rovers, the team we'll destroy on Saturday? (actually the “destroy” bit didn’t happen, did it?)
The answer was Matty Holmes. The correct Hammers was my friend Turtle Piper, who, I rather think, looked it up on the Internet. Anyway, well done, and your prize—he’s a runner, like me—is 800m x10 at 10K pace, with 100m jog intervals. Don’t worry, he’ll love this prize.
This week’s question.
The first player to sign under the Bosman ruling was one who already was at loan at West Ham. Who was he, and what year was it? Clue—he played for West Ham 84 times.
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
Theory—This is how it is, those of you fearing the worst. Avram Grant, who knows his recent history, understands implicitly that the most exciting year in recent Hammers history (at least in hindsight) was the Great Escape of 2006/07, so he wants us to have a season like that, only much, much, much better. But he thought—actually, hopefully, is still thinking—that that squad had a talisman in Carlos Tévez. What to do this season? But worry not, my friends, for Grant is ahead of the game, already having bought this season’s talisman, Robbie Keane, in the January transfer window. And look at the clear facts—Carlos (6) Tévez (5); foreigner on dodgy contract—Robbie (6) Keane (5); dodgy foreigner, no contact (see below). Eerie, huh! Indeed, Grant has started writing the wily Irishman’s name on the team sheet as Robbie Kéane. I feel better all ready.
Not happy with failing to get to Europe, Tottenham Hotspur is now trying to lose again by wrestling the Olympic Stadium from West Ham. They’ve widened the review, apparently, but what that means I do not know. We need that stadium when we survive the drop this year and reach the UEFA Cup next year. Or, how else can we entertain properly Milton Keynes Dons next season, I do not know…not that we’re going down.
West Ham Utd. 1 Blackburn Rovers 1 (Upton Park, East London); English Premiership), Saturday, May 7, 2011.
We hardly looked like a team with a purpose, considering statistically we had the lion’s (and I’m not talking about Millwall) share of the possession. What I remember is how slow we were when we did have the ball in a shooting opportunity; Demba Ba was slow; Carlton Cole was only marginally better, and Freddie Sears was hopeless, a Championship player at best. Frédéric Piquionne came on, as we were screaming for Grant to do so, to better effect, but then how on earth Robbie Kéane missed that sitter that came from his excellent pass, I have no idea. That was our season right there, that and some bozo at Aston Villa who was clear though and then proceeded to shoot the ball straight at the Wigan goalie. After us going down 0-1 and Wigan going up 1-0, it would have been the nice kind of pathos for it all to have been reversed in the last few minutes of both games.
Then, of course, Wolves beat West Brom, and now we have it all to do…which of course we will do so….hurrah!
Man of the Match—Manuel da Costa. I thought he played well, even though he—and everyone else—was napping on Clacton Seafront when Blackburn scored the opening goal.
Quiz of the Week
Last week’s question.
In the 1980s what player did we buy from Bournemouth and later, after three seasons, sell to Blackburn Rovers, the team we'll destroy on Saturday? (actually the “destroy” bit didn’t happen, did it?)
The answer was Matty Holmes. The correct Hammers was my friend Turtle Piper, who, I rather think, looked it up on the Internet. Anyway, well done, and your prize—he’s a runner, like me—is 800m x10 at 10K pace, with 100m jog intervals. Don’t worry, he’ll love this prize.
This week’s question.
The first player to sign under the Bosman ruling was one who already was at loan at West Ham. Who was he, and what year was it? Clue—he played for West Ham 84 times.
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
Quiz of the Week
Dear Hammers,
Sorry about my absence last week but I was travelling. I only saw one computer the whole time I was away and felt no need to use it. Thus, I was blissfully unaware of any West Ham news, which I think was the right move considering our losses to Chelski and Citeh. Also thus, I have no idea of what I am speaking of (not for the first time, before you say that) when I say that according to my spies, the Chelski game was played in mud bath, which surely was more advantageous to us than it was to them. But still we received a hiding.
What news? Well, Scott Parker won the Professional Writer’s Award, which is a fair testament to his excellent ability. He probably won this for his goal against Liverpool and his rallying cry of West Ham and Death before Dishonour in the comeback against West Bromwich Albion. Now the pundits are saying it will be hard for West Ham to keep him if we are relegated, but what these so-called experts do not understand is that we are not going down. You have it here first—West Ham will survive!
Feel better? Comrade Sullivan obviously doesn’t, having foregone the chance to travel to Manchester to see the Hammers play. I thought the reason was that in the bright sunshine of May, he would not bee able to wear his Kremlin hat, but apparently the reason was fare more pedestrian—illness. “My family think I am mad for spending so much time and money on this club,” he was quoted as saying. I cannot agree with the family, only if my own—and yours—commitment in this team we love is far more than his ever will be.
Apparently he will be at the Blackburn (three points to the Hammers), Wigan (three points to the Hammers) and Sunderland (three points to the Hammers) games—“We are staying up, we are staying up…etc.”
I was travelling the depths of the Caribbean, and I took a bus one day. There were only three other people on it, and I heard a decidedly London accident. The usual question arose, at which point he said his wife was from Bethnal Green. “That’s near to where my underachieving football team is,” I said, to which he replied. “Bruv, are you a Hammer?” I hope he guessed this from the reference to Bethnal Green, not because I had used the word “underachieving.” A small world.
His last words to me were, “Tell those who read your blog that West Ham will survive this season and get to the Champions League next season.” So there you have it.
Manchester City 2 West Ham Utd. 1 (Manchester Stadium. Manchester); English Premiership), Sunday, May 1, 2011.
After two quick Citeh goals, things looked precarious for the Hammers, but Demba Ba got one back after 30 minutes, and well…actually, I did not see the game, so you can fill me on this Saturday. Even though I have no idea of what happened, I still thought we were going to win 2-4, to do a Utd..
Man of the Match—Me, as I was on holiday.
Quiz of the Week
Last week’s question.
What current player at the Hammers started out at a team whose motto is “Upon this Rock”?
The answer is Jack Collison (remember him?)
This week’s question.
In the 1980s what player did we buy from Bournemouth and later, after three seasons, sell to Blackburn Rovers, the team we'll destroy on Saturday?
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
Sorry about my absence last week but I was travelling. I only saw one computer the whole time I was away and felt no need to use it. Thus, I was blissfully unaware of any West Ham news, which I think was the right move considering our losses to Chelski and Citeh. Also thus, I have no idea of what I am speaking of (not for the first time, before you say that) when I say that according to my spies, the Chelski game was played in mud bath, which surely was more advantageous to us than it was to them. But still we received a hiding.
What news? Well, Scott Parker won the Professional Writer’s Award, which is a fair testament to his excellent ability. He probably won this for his goal against Liverpool and his rallying cry of West Ham and Death before Dishonour in the comeback against West Bromwich Albion. Now the pundits are saying it will be hard for West Ham to keep him if we are relegated, but what these so-called experts do not understand is that we are not going down. You have it here first—West Ham will survive!
Feel better? Comrade Sullivan obviously doesn’t, having foregone the chance to travel to Manchester to see the Hammers play. I thought the reason was that in the bright sunshine of May, he would not bee able to wear his Kremlin hat, but apparently the reason was fare more pedestrian—illness. “My family think I am mad for spending so much time and money on this club,” he was quoted as saying. I cannot agree with the family, only if my own—and yours—commitment in this team we love is far more than his ever will be.
Apparently he will be at the Blackburn (three points to the Hammers), Wigan (three points to the Hammers) and Sunderland (three points to the Hammers) games—“We are staying up, we are staying up…etc.”
I was travelling the depths of the Caribbean, and I took a bus one day. There were only three other people on it, and I heard a decidedly London accident. The usual question arose, at which point he said his wife was from Bethnal Green. “That’s near to where my underachieving football team is,” I said, to which he replied. “Bruv, are you a Hammer?” I hope he guessed this from the reference to Bethnal Green, not because I had used the word “underachieving.” A small world.
His last words to me were, “Tell those who read your blog that West Ham will survive this season and get to the Champions League next season.” So there you have it.
Manchester City 2 West Ham Utd. 1 (Manchester Stadium. Manchester); English Premiership), Sunday, May 1, 2011.
After two quick Citeh goals, things looked precarious for the Hammers, but Demba Ba got one back after 30 minutes, and well…actually, I did not see the game, so you can fill me on this Saturday. Even though I have no idea of what happened, I still thought we were going to win 2-4, to do a Utd..
Man of the Match—Me, as I was on holiday.
Quiz of the Week
Last week’s question.
What current player at the Hammers started out at a team whose motto is “Upon this Rock”?
The answer is Jack Collison (remember him?)
This week’s question.
In the 1980s what player did we buy from Bournemouth and later, after three seasons, sell to Blackburn Rovers, the team we'll destroy on Saturday?
!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Back from Missouri, April 7, 2011
Sorry about the delay in sending this out to you, but I have been in St. Louis all week with, blissfully, no Internet connection. The most fun thing about Missouri is that I had not been there before so therefore could tick it off my list, and my company paid for the privilege. When asked what I most wanted to do there, I said it was to visit the very point where the Missouri and Mississippi rivers joined, the confluence, and it is damn cool. Few people venture that far north in St. Louis County, so I was told. It is beautiful, and it is also the point where Meriwether Lewis and William Clark left the known world, sailed west and made sure California was safe for Posh and Becks. It’s all history!
On Tuesday I went to watch the St. Louis Cardinals, which plays a sport called baseball that we know as rounders. No one did much rounding, as the score ended 3-2, and even so, after the eighth innings, we were told the coach was going to leave, with was surreal. And we were not the only ones leaving. It reminded me of those Newcastle fans who left when Arsenal were winning 0-4, only to miss on another slice of epic history when the Barcodes did the unthinkable and equalised (us vs. West Brom?) Even if West Ham—er—give up a two-goal lead and are now losing by two, I am not leaving. West Ham to the 92nd minute! Or if we’re playing one of the Big Four, to the 98th minute or until such time as any of the four of them equalises.
As I knew you’d be proud, to the game I wore claret n’ blue, and even sung my colleagues our club song. Incidentally, the Cardinals play—quite sensibly—in red, as do the birds it is named after, but during the 80s, the team flirted with a light blue. This did not last long, but light blue and scarlet “retro” shirts still do a fair business in their club shop…so my West Ham top did not look too out of place. Damn!
West Ham Utd. 2 Manchester Utd. 4 (English Premiership), Saturday, April 2, 2011.
I mentioned to someone at halftime that the scoreline of us 2, them 0 reminded me a little too much of the Game That Will Not Be Mentioned, when señors Carragher (own goal) and Ashton gave us a commanding lead with two fortuitous goals. We lasted well in the Utd. game, but none of us supporters looked shellshocked at the end, and the “other” scoreline of West Ham Corners 0, Man. Utd. corners 19 rather told the story. Apparently, this Utd. fan standing next to me (yes, he might have polluted my shadow) said that Utd. have not scored from the corner spot all season. Interesting.
Carlton Cole continues to be an enigma. His run towards the ball that did lead to the first penalty was so slow that I wondered if he remembered where he was supposed to be going.
Man of the Match—Roberto da Costa I thought our Portuguese-soon-up-on-charges played very well, neutering all Utd. players’ crosses. It might have been inevitable that we’d play deep by our level of skill (Man. Utd dominating, especially on Valencia’s wing) as opposed to our formation (Demba Ba and Cole up front). And Utd.’s fourth goal was deflected off a Hammer and then shot through Da Costa’s legs—not an error on his part.
On Tuesday I went to watch the St. Louis Cardinals, which plays a sport called baseball that we know as rounders. No one did much rounding, as the score ended 3-2, and even so, after the eighth innings, we were told the coach was going to leave, with was surreal. And we were not the only ones leaving. It reminded me of those Newcastle fans who left when Arsenal were winning 0-4, only to miss on another slice of epic history when the Barcodes did the unthinkable and equalised (us vs. West Brom?) Even if West Ham—er—give up a two-goal lead and are now losing by two, I am not leaving. West Ham to the 92nd minute! Or if we’re playing one of the Big Four, to the 98th minute or until such time as any of the four of them equalises.
As I knew you’d be proud, to the game I wore claret n’ blue, and even sung my colleagues our club song. Incidentally, the Cardinals play—quite sensibly—in red, as do the birds it is named after, but during the 80s, the team flirted with a light blue. This did not last long, but light blue and scarlet “retro” shirts still do a fair business in their club shop…so my West Ham top did not look too out of place. Damn!
West Ham Utd. 2 Manchester Utd. 4 (English Premiership), Saturday, April 2, 2011.
I mentioned to someone at halftime that the scoreline of us 2, them 0 reminded me a little too much of the Game That Will Not Be Mentioned, when señors Carragher (own goal) and Ashton gave us a commanding lead with two fortuitous goals. We lasted well in the Utd. game, but none of us supporters looked shellshocked at the end, and the “other” scoreline of West Ham Corners 0, Man. Utd. corners 19 rather told the story. Apparently, this Utd. fan standing next to me (yes, he might have polluted my shadow) said that Utd. have not scored from the corner spot all season. Interesting.
Carlton Cole continues to be an enigma. His run towards the ball that did lead to the first penalty was so slow that I wondered if he remembered where he was supposed to be going.
Man of the Match—Roberto da Costa I thought our Portuguese-soon-up-on-charges played very well, neutering all Utd. players’ crosses. It might have been inevitable that we’d play deep by our level of skill (Man. Utd dominating, especially on Valencia’s wing) as opposed to our formation (Demba Ba and Cole up front). And Utd.’s fourth goal was deflected off a Hammer and then shot through Da Costa’s legs—not an error on his part.
McCarthyism, April 14, 2011
Benni McCarthy has left the Hammers by mutual consent, and Carlton Cole has his knuckles wrapped over Twitter comments. McCarthy—now there was good money spent. His wages plus severance works out to about $100,000 per game, and anyone who watched him completely scuff the ball when having a good opportunity to score earlier this season will remember that for that game he only played 14 minutes, making that $100,000 rise considerably. He’ll probably be picked up by some lowly Championship team, score a couple of goals and then have time off to investigate the nightclubs of Barnsley, Doncaster or Scunthorpe. Cole’s crime was to joke to his three Twitter followers that ihe immigration authorities would be out in full force outside the recent England-Ghana game, and that the only way to escape the dragnet would be to paint the flag of St. George on your face and hope for the best. This is interesting. I do not suppose that I am not ignorant of all the dire, unnecessary, primitive repercussions of racism, but it strikes me that this is a little funny as Cole is black. That said, when the flag of St. George is slapped on your boat race, doesn’t that make you white? It is a dangerous, slippery slope to laugh this all off as merely the result of people not having a sense of humour, but I do rather think a warning along the lines of, Mr. Cole, you are a professional football player (well, sometimes), and your actions do have an effect on those who might not find your humour humorous. Hopefully common sense will prevail, as it must this Saturday against Aston Villa.
I have just given Thomas Hitzlsperger the captaincy of my fantasy team from Robin Van Persie, so I am predicting a fine win for the Hammers. The supreme importance of this game must have been hammered into the boys. Another question. It’s easy to say that the international break had a profound affect on West Ham, and other more lowly teams, as we have lost two games since it, with two goals for (both being penalties) and seven against. Is it such a royal pain? I’d say it might be, for training with international squads is different than training for domestic teams and quite often West Ham Players merely warm the bench or do not even make the team, merely the squad.
Bolton Wanderers 3 West Ham Utd. 2 (English Premiership), Saturday, April 9, 2011.
It is hard for me to do an analysis of this game, although our defending looked shocking, as the computer feed we watched this game on was iffy to say the best. Annoyingly, the action (inverted commas as far as the Hammers were concerned) kept jumping back, just so that we could see how bad we were three times. We all sort of drifted off, as we recognized pieces of tameness we had seen before. That said, we certainly looked better in the second half, and Demba Ba was unlucky not to score with a superb hooked shot to the crossbar and a header brilliantly saved by the Bolton goalie.
Man of the Match—Honestly, who could say? Did anyone stand out?
I have just given Thomas Hitzlsperger the captaincy of my fantasy team from Robin Van Persie, so I am predicting a fine win for the Hammers. The supreme importance of this game must have been hammered into the boys. Another question. It’s easy to say that the international break had a profound affect on West Ham, and other more lowly teams, as we have lost two games since it, with two goals for (both being penalties) and seven against. Is it such a royal pain? I’d say it might be, for training with international squads is different than training for domestic teams and quite often West Ham Players merely warm the bench or do not even make the team, merely the squad.
Bolton Wanderers 3 West Ham Utd. 2 (English Premiership), Saturday, April 9, 2011.
It is hard for me to do an analysis of this game, although our defending looked shocking, as the computer feed we watched this game on was iffy to say the best. Annoyingly, the action (inverted commas as far as the Hammers were concerned) kept jumping back, just so that we could see how bad we were three times. We all sort of drifted off, as we recognized pieces of tameness we had seen before. That said, we certainly looked better in the second half, and Demba Ba was unlucky not to score with a superb hooked shot to the crossbar and a header brilliantly saved by the Bolton goalie.
Man of the Match—Honestly, who could say? Did anyone stand out?
International Break, March 22, 2011
Sorry for the lack of an email last week, but there was no West Ham game and I was cavorting around Martha’s Vineyard (Massachusetts, for those with no idea or interest). England beat Wales 0-2, which was no surprise, but what happened after we went up by two after 14 minutes. No one else wanted to score? James Tompkins played in the U21 squad that beat Iceland 2-1, and then ex-Hammer Stuart “Pyscho” Pearce went ballistic, shouting that he should be allowed to play the likes of Jack Wilshire and Andy Carroll, cognisant of the fact but perhaps not wanting to voice it, that these players’ managers are always non-English. So’s his boss, but there you go.
No Hammers had much to do in the international break, although another ex-Hammer 9and one many of you wished we kept), James Collins looked like he was playing Sunday-league football in the Wales-England game. He was all over the back legs of Ashley Young to give us the first goal, a penalty, which he could hardly complain of; and then he was hopelessly slow and dimwitted in his positioning to allow Darren Bent the second.
Tottenham Hotspur 0 West Ham Utd. 0 (English Premiership), Saturday, March 19, 2010.
This was an exceptional performance by the Hammers, and I thought it was going to mirror the 0-1 victory against Arsenal at the Emirates, almost four years to the day in which I write. For those of you who watched that game through interlocking fingers, Arsenal had 2,761 shots on target; West Ham had one, and we won. Spurs came out all-systems-go, and West Ham was kept often in defence very well. Our midfield was nonexistent, at least in midfield, but everyone did their bit at the back, and Rob Green and the four defenders were all immense. And we could have nicked it. Carlton Cole is lacking confidence and should have rounded Heurelho Gomes with only him to beat; and Demba Ba had a great shot well saved by the Portuguese shot-stopper.
Man of the Match—Wayne Bridge Experience does count wonders when playing the big teams (are we all okay with calling Spurs a big time?), and Bridge was superb throughout. Spurs posed a threat down the two wings, but that threat was met adequately by Lars Jacobsen and Bridge.
No Hammers had much to do in the international break, although another ex-Hammer 9and one many of you wished we kept), James Collins looked like he was playing Sunday-league football in the Wales-England game. He was all over the back legs of Ashley Young to give us the first goal, a penalty, which he could hardly complain of; and then he was hopelessly slow and dimwitted in his positioning to allow Darren Bent the second.
Tottenham Hotspur 0 West Ham Utd. 0 (English Premiership), Saturday, March 19, 2010.
This was an exceptional performance by the Hammers, and I thought it was going to mirror the 0-1 victory against Arsenal at the Emirates, almost four years to the day in which I write. For those of you who watched that game through interlocking fingers, Arsenal had 2,761 shots on target; West Ham had one, and we won. Spurs came out all-systems-go, and West Ham was kept often in defence very well. Our midfield was nonexistent, at least in midfield, but everyone did their bit at the back, and Rob Green and the four defenders were all immense. And we could have nicked it. Carlton Cole is lacking confidence and should have rounded Heurelho Gomes with only him to beat; and Demba Ba had a great shot well saved by the Portuguese shot-stopper.
Man of the Match—Wayne Bridge Experience does count wonders when playing the big teams (are we all okay with calling Spurs a big time?), and Bridge was superb throughout. Spurs posed a threat down the two wings, but that threat was met adequately by Lars Jacobsen and Bridge.
4 Hs - February 25, 2011
4Hs—Holiday, Happy Hour and the Hammers. Sounds like a pencil does 4H, and West Ham certainly came out leaden (where do I come up with this stuff?) against a team that looked like us but luckily did not capitalise in the manner we did.
Not much Hammers news this week, and I have certainly been busy. West Ham is desperate to offload Chunks, otherwise known as Benni McCarthy, and suddenly-off-the-boil Henrita Ilunga, to anyone, and there was a chance Sheffield Wednesday might come to our rescue, but then they realised that these two players are awful.
And literally just as I am writing, it looked as though Sporting Prague and former West Ham colossus Tomás Repka were on their way to the last 16 of the Other European Contest, when in the dying seconds Rangers equalized for the second time and thus went through on the away-goals rule. The away-goals rule changes for every competition, so it seems, so I am sure there were some Scots who were not sure they had gone through, just as we were not sure why Carlton Cole’s first goal against Burnley stood—if it was not disallowed for being offside, surely it should have been disallowed for handball or for being crap.
West Ham Utd. 5 Burnley 1 (FA Cup 5th Round), Monday, February 21, 2010.
The Hammers had a relatively easy time of this. Yes, Burnley had a few chances early on, but its talisman, on-loan-from-United Chris Eagles was continually forced wide by a defence that is not as bad as some make out. Winston Reid appeared out of his depth (even if he was playing against a Championship team for a Premiership one) despite a very-well taken headed goal and a spectacular header off the line that would have made the score 4-2 and caused some nervous jitters, especially as we all remember leading Burnley 5-0 recently. Maybe the idea is to only allow Reid to use his head. Use your foot, son, and you’ll never play in the East End of London again!! With my clairvoyant insight, I was telling someone how Wayne Bridge is playing a lot better, and I think he is, but then he did that ghastly bit of “defending” that resulted in Rob Green booting the ball against the back of Tyrone Mears (which is more than Tyrone Mears did for West Ham) and onto the head of a Burnley striker, who scored.
Is there something wrong in putting the ball behind for a corner? I guess that players are so concerned that the resulting dead ball will end in the net, they’d rather do almost anything else.
Cole’s second goal was masterful, onside, a ball scooped down from the ninth floor and a shot dispatched into the roof of the net in fine style.
Oh, yes, and Freddie Sears scored another goal when all danger is over. The only goal he has scored that has been important was years ago on his debut against Blackburn Rovers. Come on, Freddie, score some earlier on. Sears was allowed to run through the Burnley defence by some neat shielding and torso flick-on by Jonathan Spector, and as we know no one is getting past that mean, all-business Skinhead from Chicago.
Man of the Match—Thomas Hitzlsperger It’s a little worrying that West Ham players score on their debuts—Sears, Demba Ba, Robbie Keane—as they seem hardly to score again. Keane is out injured for a month, but Ba played well in the Burnley game. And now Hitzlsperger. The match-day announcer even announced him as Der Hammer, so the pressure was on, and he came up with the goods, a spectacular shot that wobbled a bit but was wonderful nonetheless, and it certainly eased the pressure. More, please, Herr Deutschland.
Not much Hammers news this week, and I have certainly been busy. West Ham is desperate to offload Chunks, otherwise known as Benni McCarthy, and suddenly-off-the-boil Henrita Ilunga, to anyone, and there was a chance Sheffield Wednesday might come to our rescue, but then they realised that these two players are awful.
And literally just as I am writing, it looked as though Sporting Prague and former West Ham colossus Tomás Repka were on their way to the last 16 of the Other European Contest, when in the dying seconds Rangers equalized for the second time and thus went through on the away-goals rule. The away-goals rule changes for every competition, so it seems, so I am sure there were some Scots who were not sure they had gone through, just as we were not sure why Carlton Cole’s first goal against Burnley stood—if it was not disallowed for being offside, surely it should have been disallowed for handball or for being crap.
West Ham Utd. 5 Burnley 1 (FA Cup 5th Round), Monday, February 21, 2010.
The Hammers had a relatively easy time of this. Yes, Burnley had a few chances early on, but its talisman, on-loan-from-United Chris Eagles was continually forced wide by a defence that is not as bad as some make out. Winston Reid appeared out of his depth (even if he was playing against a Championship team for a Premiership one) despite a very-well taken headed goal and a spectacular header off the line that would have made the score 4-2 and caused some nervous jitters, especially as we all remember leading Burnley 5-0 recently. Maybe the idea is to only allow Reid to use his head. Use your foot, son, and you’ll never play in the East End of London again!! With my clairvoyant insight, I was telling someone how Wayne Bridge is playing a lot better, and I think he is, but then he did that ghastly bit of “defending” that resulted in Rob Green booting the ball against the back of Tyrone Mears (which is more than Tyrone Mears did for West Ham) and onto the head of a Burnley striker, who scored.
Is there something wrong in putting the ball behind for a corner? I guess that players are so concerned that the resulting dead ball will end in the net, they’d rather do almost anything else.
Cole’s second goal was masterful, onside, a ball scooped down from the ninth floor and a shot dispatched into the roof of the net in fine style.
Oh, yes, and Freddie Sears scored another goal when all danger is over. The only goal he has scored that has been important was years ago on his debut against Blackburn Rovers. Come on, Freddie, score some earlier on. Sears was allowed to run through the Burnley defence by some neat shielding and torso flick-on by Jonathan Spector, and as we know no one is getting past that mean, all-business Skinhead from Chicago.
Man of the Match—Thomas Hitzlsperger It’s a little worrying that West Ham players score on their debuts—Sears, Demba Ba, Robbie Keane—as they seem hardly to score again. Keane is out injured for a month, but Ba played well in the Burnley game. And now Hitzlsperger. The match-day announcer even announced him as Der Hammer, so the pressure was on, and he came up with the goods, a spectacular shot that wobbled a bit but was wonderful nonetheless, and it certainly eased the pressure. More, please, Herr Deutschland.
Celebration Day, February 16, 2011
“Celebration Day” was last Friday when West Ham was all but given the keys to the new Olympic Stadium with handy 400-metre running track and a lifetime supply of unwanted, unsold 2012 Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville, who sound like a couple of West Ham January transfer-window buys that we will not see until late April due to one thing or another.
As you know, the founder of the modern Olympic Games, Baron Pierre de Coubertin de la Julian Faubert, visited the Shropshire (Central-West England for those you not from there) town of Much Wenlock in August 1890 (coincidentally, the same month Kieron Dyer got his first hamstring injury) and was impressed with the Sports on the Village Green and thus decided to globalise it a little…anyway, that’s where Wenlock comes from, but Mandeville? As a nipper, I was always hearing about Jimmy “Jim’ll Fix It!” Saville raising funds for Stoke Mandeville Hospital, and apparently, this is where the second mascot gets his name from. Each also has only one eye, and they never look like they know where they are going. If it was up to me, I’d name them Marlon and Harewood. All very strange…but anyway, the stadium is ours, unless Leyton Orient gets its way with its connected friends in the corridors of Parliament.
Orient think West Ham will be the death of them, but we all know West Ham will take less time being the death of West Ham, without the need to cause hardship on anyone else.
I remain in two minds about the new stadium. My actions down the pub when we scored our third goal against WBA—chairs scattered, beer spilt, Sean scattered—speak for my passion for our club, but I never was a regular at the hallowed turf, so I cannot speak for how much that particular patch of grass will be missed, but on the other hand, I do not know enough about football-economics to state categorically that a move has been done in order for us to get to what is—cliché time—the "next level." 30,000 people paying £40 or 60,000 paying £25? That’s if we have these numbers interested.
That all said, this remains our only double of the season—beating Spurs twice now!
And do you know that Thomas Hitzlsperger now is eligible to play!!!!
West Bromwich Albion 3 West Ham Utd. 3 (Premiership), Saturday, February 12, 2010.
The first half was the most abject display of defending I have ever witnessed. Yes, Matthew Upson is injured, and Henrita Illunga is, too, although he has not been on fire this season, but deary me, me ol’ cocker! Winston Reid is a schoolboy. He was so off the pace of the game that when I mentioned to someone he was playing at a Championship level, the immediate reply was that I was wrong—he’s playing at a level of the division below that.
Yes, we came back admirably, but if West Brom striker Osaze Odemwingie was in the form of the beginning of the season, when he was scoring goals for fun, we would have lost that game. He had one chance when he just turned Reid inside out, and only a poor strike straight into the arms of Rob Green saved us from all our resilient work being made undone.
Certainly, Carlton Cole’s goal was also the result of atrocious defending, or at least idiocy on the part of the West Brom defenders not to realise that that black chap lurking all on his own to the right—yes, that Piquionne fellow—has scored 11 Premiership goals in a season and a half and might be a little dangerous. Even Demba Ba’s second goal was made because Ba effortlessly pealed back off his “defender.”
It was interesting to hear Cole’s post-match commentary, in which he was talking about Scott Parker’s inspirational halftime talk (where was manager Avram Grant?). After he explained how all the Hammers started crying (and after a first-half performance like that, I would have been to…actually, I was), he said, “of course, being a professional football player, you should always have that belief in you anyway…” Wow, I thought, he’s actually thinking! Which gives me a little hope for the rest of the season.
Man of the Match—Demba Ba scored two goals, and goals get points, a precious point. His first goal had a hint of handball to it, every time I have watched the highlights, but that said, no one on the West Brom team appealed, so maybe it was just the angle. By far the best of our three goals was the Cole one.
Even when we were down 3-0, I was saying we’d win 3-5, but I have had more than 37 years supporting this madness, so I continue to be optimistic as the alternative is so unimaginable.
As you know, the founder of the modern Olympic Games, Baron Pierre de Coubertin de la Julian Faubert, visited the Shropshire (Central-West England for those you not from there) town of Much Wenlock in August 1890 (coincidentally, the same month Kieron Dyer got his first hamstring injury) and was impressed with the Sports on the Village Green and thus decided to globalise it a little…anyway, that’s where Wenlock comes from, but Mandeville? As a nipper, I was always hearing about Jimmy “Jim’ll Fix It!” Saville raising funds for Stoke Mandeville Hospital, and apparently, this is where the second mascot gets his name from. Each also has only one eye, and they never look like they know where they are going. If it was up to me, I’d name them Marlon and Harewood. All very strange…but anyway, the stadium is ours, unless Leyton Orient gets its way with its connected friends in the corridors of Parliament.
Orient think West Ham will be the death of them, but we all know West Ham will take less time being the death of West Ham, without the need to cause hardship on anyone else.
I remain in two minds about the new stadium. My actions down the pub when we scored our third goal against WBA—chairs scattered, beer spilt, Sean scattered—speak for my passion for our club, but I never was a regular at the hallowed turf, so I cannot speak for how much that particular patch of grass will be missed, but on the other hand, I do not know enough about football-economics to state categorically that a move has been done in order for us to get to what is—cliché time—the "next level." 30,000 people paying £40 or 60,000 paying £25? That’s if we have these numbers interested.
That all said, this remains our only double of the season—beating Spurs twice now!
And do you know that Thomas Hitzlsperger now is eligible to play!!!!
West Bromwich Albion 3 West Ham Utd. 3 (Premiership), Saturday, February 12, 2010.
The first half was the most abject display of defending I have ever witnessed. Yes, Matthew Upson is injured, and Henrita Illunga is, too, although he has not been on fire this season, but deary me, me ol’ cocker! Winston Reid is a schoolboy. He was so off the pace of the game that when I mentioned to someone he was playing at a Championship level, the immediate reply was that I was wrong—he’s playing at a level of the division below that.
Yes, we came back admirably, but if West Brom striker Osaze Odemwingie was in the form of the beginning of the season, when he was scoring goals for fun, we would have lost that game. He had one chance when he just turned Reid inside out, and only a poor strike straight into the arms of Rob Green saved us from all our resilient work being made undone.
Certainly, Carlton Cole’s goal was also the result of atrocious defending, or at least idiocy on the part of the West Brom defenders not to realise that that black chap lurking all on his own to the right—yes, that Piquionne fellow—has scored 11 Premiership goals in a season and a half and might be a little dangerous. Even Demba Ba’s second goal was made because Ba effortlessly pealed back off his “defender.”
It was interesting to hear Cole’s post-match commentary, in which he was talking about Scott Parker’s inspirational halftime talk (where was manager Avram Grant?). After he explained how all the Hammers started crying (and after a first-half performance like that, I would have been to…actually, I was), he said, “of course, being a professional football player, you should always have that belief in you anyway…” Wow, I thought, he’s actually thinking! Which gives me a little hope for the rest of the season.
Man of the Match—Demba Ba scored two goals, and goals get points, a precious point. His first goal had a hint of handball to it, every time I have watched the highlights, but that said, no one on the West Brom team appealed, so maybe it was just the angle. By far the best of our three goals was the Cole one.
Even when we were down 3-0, I was saying we’d win 3-5, but I have had more than 37 years supporting this madness, so I continue to be optimistic as the alternative is so unimaginable.
West Ham's Bid Best for Children, February 9, 2011
The headline this morning is “West Ham’s Bid Best for Children,” which confused me, thinking initially it had something to do with Mssrs. Hines, Sears, Stanislas and Noble. But no, it’s to do with the Olympic Stadium and how West Ham going there would result in an eruption of peace, education and improved living conditions for millions of currently impoverished, illiterate and war-mongering East End kids. Or something like that.
I remain torn between staying at Upton Park and going to the new Five Ring Circus of Advanced Sporting Excellence, known by some as its acronym, FRICASSEE, by others as the Olympic Stadium. As someone who does not go to Upton Park regularly (after all, it is north of the river, away from the safety of Southeast London), my views are more than likely worth the same as Avram’s when it comes to buying new players. I do remember being able to touch the net from my front-row standing spot once, which I still remember as being cool.
There is a sense that if we move, we can build for the future, but that is an argument that I am sure contains a million potholes.
Let’s also make sure we survive this season first, and that must start against a West Brom side that just sacked its manager Roberto Di Matteo, who everyone said was a decent, nice chap…which is why he had to go and didn’t stick it.
West Ham Utd. 0 Birmingham City 1 (Premiership), Sunday, February 6, 2011.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, to paraphrase the film Jaws, we come unstuck, and it does look as though the Jaws of Relegation are widening. I refuse to give up home and confidently expect us to beat the Baggies on Saturday 0-6. And our away form does seem to be a little better than our home, with the idea that we do seem to chase wins away from Upton Park. Our forwards in this game had no bite, and our midfielders, despite composure from Scott Parker, do not seem to have a plan as to how to get the ball forward. Again, you wonder both how the goals will be made and where they will come from.
Added to this was the disappointment of Wolves doing something no one else has done this season, no, not let in more goals than the Hammers, but beating Manchester Utd., and Wigan remembering once again how to score goals. Four days before this game, the sun was shining in the east, but now the moon has waned, and the clouds are brewing (how’s that for three unrelated, strained meteorological metaphors). Chances are the weather will change again, and this time West Ham have to realise there’s a second rainbow after the first (wow, this really is stirring stuff).
Man of the Match—Can you come up with one? I can’t. Lars Jacobsen remains solid, so I’ll give it to him. Well done, Lars.
I remain torn between staying at Upton Park and going to the new Five Ring Circus of Advanced Sporting Excellence, known by some as its acronym, FRICASSEE, by others as the Olympic Stadium. As someone who does not go to Upton Park regularly (after all, it is north of the river, away from the safety of Southeast London), my views are more than likely worth the same as Avram’s when it comes to buying new players. I do remember being able to touch the net from my front-row standing spot once, which I still remember as being cool.
There is a sense that if we move, we can build for the future, but that is an argument that I am sure contains a million potholes.
Let’s also make sure we survive this season first, and that must start against a West Brom side that just sacked its manager Roberto Di Matteo, who everyone said was a decent, nice chap…which is why he had to go and didn’t stick it.
West Ham Utd. 0 Birmingham City 1 (Premiership), Sunday, February 6, 2011.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, to paraphrase the film Jaws, we come unstuck, and it does look as though the Jaws of Relegation are widening. I refuse to give up home and confidently expect us to beat the Baggies on Saturday 0-6. And our away form does seem to be a little better than our home, with the idea that we do seem to chase wins away from Upton Park. Our forwards in this game had no bite, and our midfielders, despite composure from Scott Parker, do not seem to have a plan as to how to get the ball forward. Again, you wonder both how the goals will be made and where they will come from.
Added to this was the disappointment of Wolves doing something no one else has done this season, no, not let in more goals than the Hammers, but beating Manchester Utd., and Wigan remembering once again how to score goals. Four days before this game, the sun was shining in the east, but now the moon has waned, and the clouds are brewing (how’s that for three unrelated, strained meteorological metaphors). Chances are the weather will change again, and this time West Ham have to realise there’s a second rainbow after the first (wow, this really is stirring stuff).
Man of the Match—Can you come up with one? I can’t. Lars Jacobsen remains solid, so I’ll give it to him. Well done, Lars.
New Players, January 11, 2011
A couple of players have arrived West Ham's way in this transfer window, to be added to Wayne Bridge, who played a very decent game against Everton last Saturday, I thought. The first is Demba Ba ("Demba Ba ba ba ba ba ba" to the tune of the Muppets theme song, I think, is what we'll chant when he scores his first hat trick against City tonight) who comes from German club TSG 1899 Hoffenheim, on loan until the end of the season. Of course, everyone says that at that time, they will look at him with the viewpoint of signing him permanently, but that doesn't mean anything in the modern game, because if he turns out to be brilliant, we might not be able to afford him anyway. He has some goals under his belt, including two for his country, Senegal. Senegalese players are very sane and never cause training-ground rumpuses. They're level-headed and never refuse to turn up for training camp because they want to, say, move to West Ham after first failing a medical for Stroke City. With Luis Boa Morte fitting effortless in with Ba, these two Black Sheep (sorry, and it's not as though this joke has not occurred to everyone anyway) almost guarantee the Hammers Champions League football next season. At least it means one partially injured player hailing from Germany or a German side will perform for us, as who knows when Thomas Hitzlsperger will ever appear?
The other is Middlesbrough player Gary O'Neil, who I remember as a decent midfielder, although he looks very distressingly like another Gary who played for the Hammers ("played" is perhaps the wrong word), Breen. Let's hope he's far better, and he comes in as replacement for Valon Behrami, who is off to Fiorentina imminently, although with Jonathan "Skinhead" Spector now scoring goals for fun, who knows if a place is open to O'Neil.
...and here's an odd quote. Mssrs. Gold and Sullivan are not going to the Birmingham game tonight. Says Sullivan, "I don't want to offend anyone by not going but I can't face doing that journey back if we lose." Thanks for the overriding support. That must make the lads feel you are really behind them. Then again, at least we do not have to look at him sulking in that ridiculous hat of his.
Everton 2 West Ham Utd. 2 (Premiership), Saturday, January 22, 2010.
I cannot remember the time before we have been up twice in the same game. The big brouhaha was when striker and goalscorer Frederic Piquionne was sent off, and he has to be the first player ever to get his marching orders for two yellow-card offences of "lip" and "hurdles." There is a rule about that, and he had to go, but before then everyone watching the game around me (or beside me, because it's not as though other West Ham fans create a protective circle around me; it was just a choice of phrase) remarked that he had been playing very well in defence, too. I did notice that West Ham smothered the opposition with five or six defenders whenever they threatened, and this is the kind of thing the good teams do. But one defending lapse after Piquionne was in the bath was when Everton player Osman just about kept the ball in play, nutmegged a Hammer and then crossed it to create their second equaliser. It did feel a little like three points lost, even if we'd have settled for a point before things started.
We managed to get a decent feed down at Lunasa's...computer feed, not egg n' chips twice--although we did miss Spector's goal that was quite an excellent conversion. Keiron looked after us very nicely down there.
Man of the Match—Luis Boa Morte. Boa Morte will always give 100 percent, and I thought he played very well during this match. One criticism is that he doesn't ever think of the possibility that when he has the ball, one of the opposition might think it a good idea to take it off him. Aren't we a different team when Scott Parker is playing and Mark Noble realises that.
The other is Middlesbrough player Gary O'Neil, who I remember as a decent midfielder, although he looks very distressingly like another Gary who played for the Hammers ("played" is perhaps the wrong word), Breen. Let's hope he's far better, and he comes in as replacement for Valon Behrami, who is off to Fiorentina imminently, although with Jonathan "Skinhead" Spector now scoring goals for fun, who knows if a place is open to O'Neil.
...and here's an odd quote. Mssrs. Gold and Sullivan are not going to the Birmingham game tonight. Says Sullivan, "I don't want to offend anyone by not going but I can't face doing that journey back if we lose." Thanks for the overriding support. That must make the lads feel you are really behind them. Then again, at least we do not have to look at him sulking in that ridiculous hat of his.
Everton 2 West Ham Utd. 2 (Premiership), Saturday, January 22, 2010.
I cannot remember the time before we have been up twice in the same game. The big brouhaha was when striker and goalscorer Frederic Piquionne was sent off, and he has to be the first player ever to get his marching orders for two yellow-card offences of "lip" and "hurdles." There is a rule about that, and he had to go, but before then everyone watching the game around me (or beside me, because it's not as though other West Ham fans create a protective circle around me; it was just a choice of phrase) remarked that he had been playing very well in defence, too. I did notice that West Ham smothered the opposition with five or six defenders whenever they threatened, and this is the kind of thing the good teams do. But one defending lapse after Piquionne was in the bath was when Everton player Osman just about kept the ball in play, nutmegged a Hammer and then crossed it to create their second equaliser. It did feel a little like three points lost, even if we'd have settled for a point before things started.
We managed to get a decent feed down at Lunasa's...computer feed, not egg n' chips twice--although we did miss Spector's goal that was quite an excellent conversion. Keiron looked after us very nicely down there.
Man of the Match—Luis Boa Morte. Boa Morte will always give 100 percent, and I thought he played very well during this match. One criticism is that he doesn't ever think of the possibility that when he has the ball, one of the opposition might think it a good idea to take it off him. Aren't we a different team when Scott Parker is playing and Mark Noble realises that.
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