Carling League Cup, Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 3 Stoke City 1

What is it with Kenwyne Jones? When I had him in my Fantasy League team, he does sod all, but when he plays against West Ham, he scores. The way the goal was given away is a little worrisome, again from a simple corner, thus there being—Jones—an unmarked man, or one that effortlessly leaves his marker. I was steadying myself for a cup exit, when after 84 minutes (and it has to be said, 50 minutes of West Ham pressure), Scott Parker, our Captain Marvel, headed in the equaliser. In the 30 minutes of extra time, we apparently dominated, and the win to the last eight of the competition was secured. I was a little worried (why is it, I even worry about victories?) that we again won in a cup game but fail to do so in the league, especially noting our manager Avram Grant's recent success in both these areas, but watching the goals on some very grainy footage, I must say that very few teams would not have allowed those goals to not have been scored, and excellent skill led up to both. Certainly, Mark Noble's run, dink, penalty-box jiggery and cut-back pass would have won any game, so there is hope, and Obinna scored a well-placed goal with two minutes remaining, so let's hope that gives him some confidence, too. There's always hope.

English Premiership, Saturday, October 23, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Newcastle Utd. 2

It has been a long time since I saw the Hammers playing so abjectly, and you might be excused for thinking that I might have a lot of previous games to choose from. We started well. I saw the initial team sheet and was immediately in buoyant mood, seeing strikers Carlton Cole and Frédéric Piquionne up front, supported by striker Victor Obinna right behind, and it seemed a masterstroke when after 11 minutes the latter slid the ball across the face of goal for the latter to guide it home at full stretch. It was a well-taken goal, and Cole's first for the club since the invention of the Rubik's cube, seemingly. Then, things went—to use the footballing cliché—pear-shaped. To say we turned off, would be akin to saying that the hen party had high hopes but the stripper turned out to be Iain Dowie. Not a nice thought. Not a nice last 80 minutes. Newcastle controlled nearly everything in midfield, despite Valon Behrami's best efforts, and Piquionne limped off with a bruised shin that kept him out of the next game. Obinna is a great footballer, but he seems unable to hit a barn door at two paces. West Ham remain at the bottom of the division.

English Premiership, Saturday, October 16, 2010

Molineaux, Wolverhampton
Wolverhampton Wanderers 1 West Ham Utd. 1

Five games now without a loss, but again…well, you can see, and we sit rooted at the bottom of the division. That said, two wins could take us half way up the table, and only Chelsea looks as though it is coasting things this season. Again, West Ham went 1-0 down, and some people might blame Rob Green for punching the ball out; he might have had no choice, but the ball landed right on the foot of a Wolves play, who still had to do well to control it into the net. Our equaliser (I am getting bored writing that and also changing the “z” to a “s,” after the automatic spelling-“corrector” on my computer changes it back) was from the penalty spot, Mark Noble blasting the ball home—it was a penalty, I think, although other referees might have waved play on. We came close to winning on two occasions, a warrior of a shot from Frédéric Piquionne that shook the cross bar after another Luis Boa Morte threaded pass and a one-two between Israeli player Tal Ben Haim (I never thought I’d write the words “”Ben Haim played excellently” but he did, happily surprising me) and Piquionne that ended in a perfectly good goal that the referee, who had no clear view, stated had hit the striker’s arm. It did not. In other words, we were robbed. The last time West Ham won away from its ground was 14 months ago, at Wolves, something that clearly has to change. - Terance B.

English Premiership, Saturday, October 2, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Fulham 1

West Ham continues on their unbeaten run, but one point is merely one point, evidently not three. This game was a commentators’ dream, for it matched American striker Clint Dempsey against English goalkeeper Rob Green for the first time since Green’s colossal mistake in the World Cup, which gave Dempsey a “goal” and the USA an equaliser. Dempsey scored in this game, too, but it was superb, where his former goal was incredibly fortunate. West Ham played the second half as it did not the first and equalised after a few minutes of the restart with a superb goal that came from a Luis Boa Morte threaded pass and a wonderful cross from Victor Obinna that curled away from the Fulham goalie’s outstretched hand and landed on the forehead of Frédéric Piquionne. Later on, Green saved superbly from Dempsey, which means we hope he has put his demons behind him. A point at home is two points dropped, but there are visible signs of improvement. - Terry B.

English Premiership, Saturday, September 25, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Tottenham Hotspur 0

Our first three points of the season, and a game that saw us move up one position from the bottom of the table. West Ham was magnificent, against a very strong Spurs team that, in its defence, has a few injury problems in its defence, if you excuse the pun. In a moment of lucidity, I suggested that perhaps West Ham fielded a second-string team against Sunderland, and that that might rather have down the manager’s homework for him and became the first-string team, as Victor Obinna and Frédéric Piquionne again started, the latter scoring the only goal with a well-placed header in the 29th minute. Mark Noble played as we knew he could bit have not seen for many months, and in our defence, I believe we have a new star in the guise of Portuguese player Manuel da Costa. A 1-0 lead, though, is always tenuous, so we Hammers fans went through the usual rollercoaster of emotions before the final whistle came to our great relief.

Carling Cup, Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Stadium of Light, Sunderland
Sunderland 1 West Ham Utd. 2

A win. Stop the press! Actually, again, West Ham took the lead, and it was refreshing to see that two new players, midfielder Nigerian Victor Obinna and striker Frédéric Piquionne, were the ones to score the goals. More importantly, it was the first time West Ham has won an away game in one day shy of 400 days, since August 14, 2009. The players now talk of renewed confidence, and it is notable how this quality disappears when a team is doing badly, however good individual players are in skill and professionalism. I was sunning myself in the beautiful Caribbean island of Grenada, which I heartily recommend, as its beaches are not straight and boring, but in small, gorgeous coves and there also is a stunning interior of rainforest.

English Premiership, Saturday, September 18, 2010

Britannia Stadium, Stoke
Stoke City 1 West Ham Utd. 1

Hurrah. I was back in New York for this one, and we actually led for 10 minutes, that man again, Scott Parker bundling in our goal from all of two yards—but we did not care. Robert Green, who you might remember had that howler against the USA in the World Cup, produced a dazzling save to keep up in the game, although every time he touches the ball it is as if the commentator wants him to fail, just for something to say on air. Green always looks miserable, which might be half the problem, as then these same commentators can say he has the look of a defeated man and other clichés. But that said, there is now one point on the board, although not surprisingly, we sit rock bottom of the division.

English Premiership, Saturday, September 11, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Chelsea 3
Okay, let’s just get this over with, shall me. Again, I heard we played some decent footy, but Chelsea and Chelsea, and what can one do. So, that—if you’re not paying attention—is four games, no wins, no draws (at least in the Premiership), four losses, no points, two goals for, 12 goals against, goal difference of minus 10. So distraught was I, and I am in London this week, that I went south to the beautiful White Cliffs of Beachey Head and new South Downs National Park. Beachey Head is our Golden Gate Bridge, that is, our number-one suicide spot, and a full team of police and chaplains stand ready to aid the distraught. I have no wish to make a joke of that in relation to West Ham’s chronic start, so I shall not. Our walk ended in the picture-perfect village of East dean, which has a triangular village green, the cottage where the fictional Sherlock Holmes fictitiously retired (although I always thought he fell off a Swiss waterfall while fighting his nemesis Dr. Moriarty, but I could be wrong) and a thatched-roof pub called the Tiger’s Head that sells a beer brewed a mile away called Legless Rambler.

English Premiership, Saturday, August 28, 2010

Old Trafford, Manchester
Manchester Utd. 3 West Ham Utd. 0
Up come two Giant vs Minnow games, first Manchester Utd., then Chelsea. No surprises that we were beaten soundly by Utd. at Utd., and can we start to feel despondent? A goal might have been nice, at least one, but we did show some good football. Our problem is one of not being clinical enough, and Utd. always are. I was in Aruba, which is a perfect destination if you are frazzled, dream about email and have a large family who you are quite content to let sit by the pool all day. It is pretty enough, but really there is only one day possible outside the resorts—a trip to the California Sand Dunes, Alto Vista (why do the genders in the name of this place no agree? I did check to see it was not Alta Vista, and it is not) and an abandoned goal mine, and I actually went there twice, once on foot, some 10 miles, where I saw a pair of Burrowing owls, and one by jeep. I also visited the brewery for a tour (yes, it’s that dull there), and questioned the German brewmaster on the fact that surely the local beer would not satisfy a Teuton. He took me aside from the other visitors and said, “No, I know” with a face that almost moved me to tears.

Carling Cup, Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Oxford Utd. 0

Our first win, but only just, and considering it was playing in the lesser of the two domestic knockout competitions and against a team that last year was playing in the Conference League, that is, four complete divisions below up. Scott Parker was our goal scorer, and he continues to be Captain Marvel, our Player of the Year last year and likely this, but it took him and the team seconds before the end to relieve our potential embarrassment. I am still in Colombia, in the town of Riohacha, on the edge of the Guajira Desert, which Gabriel García Márquez writes of in his novella The Incredible and Sad Tale of Innocent Eréndira and her Heartless Grandmother (La Increíble y Triste Historia de la Cándida Eréndira y de su Abuela Desalmada) and where live the Wayuu indians. In a few minutes, I am going to take a Tiara Air plane from Riohacha to Oranjestad, Aruba, which is terribly exciting (Tiara Air, not Aruba), as it is this minute airline’s only international flight and until a week ago I had never heard of them. I wish West Ham could adapt so quickly.
- Terry B.

English Premiership, Saturday, August 21, 2010

Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 1 Bolton Wanderers 3

This one hurt and prodded fingers to point in various directions along the lines of Sack Avram Grant; West Ham Already with One Foot in Championship, etc. Bolton, a very unfashionable team with little footballing flair, to have an annoying habit of beating up at Upton Park, mainly because of one Kieron Davies, who is half bully, half great goal scorer. Our goal was a penalty, so we still have not scored a regular goal. I did not care—well, I did—as I was in Colombia, walking through the Tayrona National Park on the Caribbean coast, walking down slightly muddy paths on the way to gorgeous beaches that take two hours to reach—tarantulas, hummingbird, gigantic centipedes—only to get caught in a torrential rainforest downpour that had those same paths turn into raging torrents up to our waists. All fun. I love Colombia; I was essentially following the journey of Nobel Laureate novelist Gabriel García Márquez and stayed in the delightfully ramshackle town of Barranquilla.

English Premiership, Saturday, August 14, 2010

Villa Park, Birmingham
Aston Villa 3 West Ham Utd. 0

With a new manager, Israeli, Avram Grant, who managed Chelsea a couple of seasons to an inch of winning the Champions League, and half a new team bought in the off-season, West Ham were raring to go…whoops, well, sort of, but to say this match was one-way traffic is to do a disservice to transportation motion-study programmers. It was an onslaught, but we said, no need to worry, every new team needs time to come together. We were all down there at Nevada Smiths, and it’s odd playing Villa as its fans all wear the colours claret and blue, too, and actually have more right to do so than we do, having been formed in 1874, whereas the Hammers are mere children (and played like it, too!), having been formed in 1895.

VIWHUI, Fri., Aug 6, 2010

Well, even football fans need a rest, and these rests seem to be shorter and shorter with every year, especially when every two years there are either World Cup or European Championships competitions. Sorry for my silence, but in the weeks after the Spanish went crazy at their very first World Cup win, all that happens in football are rumours of signings and signings.
West Ham’s most notably signing is its new manager, Israeli Avram Grant, who was formerly at Portsmouth (he took them to the F.A. Final but could not keep them in the Premiership, most probably because he only came in as manager last November to a club that was in absolute economic disarray; indeed, this week, Portsmouth just survived the taxman’s request that it be wound up…that is, it would have finished. The club survived that, but face daunting times). Grant also got another former club, Chelsea, to within one penalty kick of winning the Champions League, Europe’s most important competition for club sides. He has pedigree. In the summer, he has been busy strengthening the West Ham squad, but of the five players he has bought, none are English, although that said, West Ham generally do not buy English players, rather promote them from its famous Academy, part of the West Ham set-up that spots talent at a young age (and nowadays, that can be nine or 10 years of age) and forms them into international-standard players, which, unfortunately, we then sell on to other teams where they suddenly get success beyond the wildest dreams of the Upton Park faithful.
So, our new signings? It’s a geography lesson. Ready? Well, firstly, there is Pablo Berrera, who played in the Mexico team in the recent World Cup, and comes form Mexican side Pumas. He’s a midfielder who scores goals and looks sharp; then there is German, Thomas Hitzlsperger, who played as a very young man for English club Aston Villa, where he received the nickname of The Hammer for his ferocious shots…obviously, The Hammer is a far better nickname for a West Ham player than an Aston Villa one, so we will not be changing it. He comes to us form Italian side Lazio, where he seemed to be overlooked by the manager, so he has something to prove, one feels; then there is Frédéric Piquionne, who is an out-and-out striker who played for Portsmouth last season (when teams leave the Premiership to the Championship, all the players want out immediately, and indeed, many have contracts with a clause stating that they can legally do so if the team drops), has played for the France national team on one occasion and was born, delightfully for me and my geography obsession, in Nouméa, the capital of the French Pacific Ocean possession of New Caledonia, which was one of the important stopping-off spots of the U.S. Army as they battled Japan in World War II. This explains why the island has joyously named districts such as Receiving and Motor Pool. How great is this? I live in Receiving; I’ve never left Receiving; I’m motoring down to Motor Pool, etc. The fourth signing is not so exciting, the seven scariest words in the English language not being Central Park Track Club turn up again, but Tal ben Haim signs for West Ham. He also played at Portsmouth, and hopefully he will prove me wrong and do the business, but every time I have seen him play for any other team he has been in, I have thanked the football gods that he did not play if us. He failed a medical at West Ham, though, so instead of a permanent contract, he has been given a five-month one (I’ve never heard of one of these before…five months?), but at least that will mean a swift exit if he turns out to continue to have the motor-neuron skills of a muddled, sloppy newt. The last signing is a defender, one Winston Reid, who also is well traveled, having been born in New Zealand (he is of Maori heritage) but moved to Denmark when a child. He played for the Danish under-19 international side, but then opted to play for New Zealand after a Kiwi journalist track him down on Facebook and told him that he was eligible to play for the New Zealanders (usually, the rule is that if you opt for any senior team, you cannot change your mind later on and play for another country; I cannot remember if that also includes the under-21 team; and obviously, you can be selected for the senior squad at any age from 16 up). The particularly beady-eyed would have seen him score a 93rd minute (three minutes into injury time) equaliser against Slovakia. New Zealand was the only team in the World Cup not to lose a game, even though its three points from three games was not enough to get them to the knockout rounds. Even Spain lost one. - Terence B.

VIENTI, July 08/10

World Cup — report no. 2
England 1 Germany 4
Ghana 2 USA 1

England underperformed yet again, losing 4-1 to Germany, although the biggest scandal of the finals happened in that match, with England coming back from 2-0 down to tie the game….well, we thought we had. After West Ham’s Matthew Upson scored a rare header to bring us back to within one, ex-West Ham player Frank Lampard scored a perfectly great goal, only for the ball to bounce out of the net, into the arms of the German goalkeeper and then, from his foot, reentering the game. Neither referee, or more importantly, the two linesmen signalled that the ball had crossed the line, although we could all see that it did on high-definition TV. Groans met the televised replays, and we had been cheated, causing all English people—and many others besides—screaming for the introduction of goal-line technology, although we would no doubt be silent if it had been a German “goal.” Perhaps we would have lost anyway, but early in the second half, Lampard had a rifle-like freekick shake the cross bar, and we felt we were in the ascendancy. Then, pushing forward to get the equaliser that was cruelly denied us, we overextended ourselves and thus were caught twice on breaks.

In the US’s Last 16 game, the US showed terrifying lapses in its defence (as did England for Germany’s first goal) and go behind to a shot that US goalkeeper Tim Howard must still be having nightmares about. But this was a US team that had come back from behind time and time again, but you can’t keep on doing this and always come out on top, and despite getting a penalty goal, the US were well beaten by a Ghana team with stronger, faster legs.

Other scandals include Argentina’s first goal against Mexico in the Last 16 that was clearly offside (the England debacle could be forgiven as human error, the ball moving so rapidly, but for a linesman not to see TWO Mexican players standing nongoalside of Carlos Tévez is unforgiveable. This reply was shown at the game, which understandably resulted in the Mexicans doing a hat dance, and the answer to that was that FIFA (the organisers halting replays being shown in stadiums. The latest is that FIFA will discuss goal-line technology at its next meeting and perhaps introduce it or two officials kneeling behind both nets, which is a not a job I’m going to apply for. A last scandal was when Uruguayan striker Luís Sanchez handballing a Ghana shot that would have been the very last shot of the game. He was sent off, and then all of Africa held its breath as the continent’s last survivor took the “regular-play” penalty…only to hit the post. Uruguay went on to win the game when they scored more of their five penalty kicks (the shootout) than Ghana did. It all seemed cruel, and while Sanchez’s handball robbed Ghana, it was an action every player in the world would have done in the same situation. Penalties are celebrated because they are usually never missed, so his action was legal cheating, if such a thing exists.

There are other teams in the championships. Spain started horribly losing to Switzerland, but is now in Sunday’s final against the Netherlands. In fact, all went well. When Germany beat England, we all pleaded with them to beat Argentina, a country and people I love, but managed by Diego “Fat Thief” Maradona, whose “Hand of God” goal beat England in 1986. He cheated, in a situation where there were no repercussions, and while everyone goes on about the match’s other goal, a proper goal scored by Maradona, I deny its brilliance because England (as above) had to chase the equaliser and thus were stretched at the back. In other words, Argentina had an advantage because it had cheated. Anyway, so, after Germany beat Argentina 4-0 (thanks!), Germany really had no additional purpose. What was the point of them after that? So, they did the decent thing and decided not to play any meaningful football against Spain, who beat them 1-0 to join the Dutch in the final. The Netherlands reached the finals by beating Brazil, who were never as good as everyone said, and Uruguay, who performed valiantly but perhaps were punished by the Gods of Karma for their Ghana shenanigans.

VIENTI, June 24/10

England 1 USA 1
England 0 Algeria 1
England 1 Slovenia 0
USA 2 Slovenia 2
USA 1 Algeria 0

All from South Africa, all from the World Cup, the Biggest Show on Earth, with an official tally of 10 million English people watching the last game that clinched for us qualification to the last 16, and that does not include ex-pats like me who watched while working. The first game against the United States was the most hyped, with people who never had even heard of "soccer" the day before asking me how long each half was and why Fabio Capello, the England manager's tactics were all wrong. England started very brightly, scoring within 4 minutes, but then we seem to have trouble killing off opposition, preferring, it seems, to give the rival goalkeepers goalkeeping practice, rather than the ignoble task of picking up balls from the back of the net. Talking of goalkeepers, it was West Ham's goalie, Rob Green, normally so sure, who gave the USA a point against us, the "fumble of the century" or the "Hand of Clod" resulting in a tame short somehow spinning into the back of the next. We could blame that error for letting the USA win the group, although the USA's tenacity was impressive in every game, and somehow it felt like justice had been done when they got a goal in extra time against Algeria. This is why this game is the best one on earth, with each goal unleashing emotion worthy of 30 3-point baskets being scored all in the same move.

Now, I can sit back—for a few days—and watch the other teams and supporters sweat it out. There have already been scalps, and it is the first time ever in which the current champions, Italy, and the current runners-up, France have both gone out in the group stage. France is in disgrace, the much publicised rift in the game spilling out so much that its manager was told he would not be manager after this championships regardless of what happened in these championshios, a player being sent home for insubordination and the team refusing to train; it all went pear-shaped, and apparently the team flew back second-class, probably to be treated as third-class citizens, or maybe stripped of their citizenship completely.
And then Italy, old (for footballers) and slow, also failed to get into the last 16 when they lost 3-2 to Slovakia, despite coming back to 2-1 and 3-2. The Italian press, I am sure, is in Alsatian mode as we speak.

So, the next round, the Round of 16, includes USA vs Ghana and England vs The Old Foe (Germany).

Very Important England National Team Information 6/07/10

Very Important England National Team Information

The World Cup is four days away, and the newspapers are picking up on everything remotely connected with the biggest sporting tournament on earth. Expect ridiculous stories on players’ superstitions, peccadilloes and haircuts.

June 7, 2010; Moruleng Stadium, Lesetlheng, South Africa

Platinum Stars 0 England 3

This was the last warm-up game for England before the Big Clash against the Americans on Saturday. The PSs, a local first-division side in South Africa, missed a penalty one minute after Jermaine Defoe opened the scoring for England, and then, despite a little bit of uninspired play, England took the bull by the horns and came out easy winners thanks to goals by out-of-contract Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole (an ex-Hammer) and Wayne Rooney, of which so much is expected. Rooney’s goal was quite wonderful, I have heard, so I look forward to seeing it on some video Website very soon.

England has already changed its captain twice this year. The first change was axing John Terry (who never played for the Hammers but was signed to the club as a youth protégé) for his off-the-pitch shenanigans with a lingerie model (Terry will still be in the side), and this week came the news that new captain Rio Ferdinand ( an ex-Hammer) has injured his ankle and is very unlikely to play, so now the role falls to Steven Gerrard, who is a superb attacking midfielder but one we hope will not be weighed down by his new responsibilities. The bonus is that Gerrard never played for West Ham in any capacity so therefore is a decent footballer.

West Ham News

It’s easy to forget that life had to carry on for club sides like our beloved West Ham. First things first, as was expected, Avram Grant, recently at demoted Portsmouth, where it was considered he did a fine job despite them going down (massive financial debt; several seemingly uninterested owners within a year; still, however, finalists in the prestigious FA Cup final), was announced as the new manager of our side. His first piece of work was the signing of 28-year-old German Thomas Hitzlsperger on a three-year contract. Known as the Hammer (how apt!) for his ability at striking the ball hard form long range has recently been at Lazio, where a new manager chose to ignore those players who could not speak Italian. Before that he was at German side Stuttgart, and he has also played for Aston Villa in the Premiership and the national German team, for which he played 51 times, although, perhaps worryingly, not at the upcoming finals.

Terry Needed a Rest Before Month-Long Football Frenzy

I high-tailed it down to Curaçao for five days of pre-football relaxation. Can you imagine the worry and butterflies of the next few weeks! Therefore, I stopped off at the wonderful Lodge Kura Hulanda in Dorp Westpunt where I went scuba-diving six times and saw 10 news species of birds (not at the same time). I liked the northwest coast of this small island very much, its pocket-handkerchief beaches and great dive sites that throw up the occasional turtle, Green moray and juvenile Drumfish, which might be the coolest looking fish ever. Capital Willemstad has little to it, apart from the UNESCO riverfront buildings and the pontoon bridge that you can remain on as it swings on a hinge a complete 90 degrees. I had to run starting at 6 a.m., or it gets too warm, but this was an epic run up and down hills accompanied by Crested caracara, Crested bobwhite quails and Ruby-topaz hummingbirds. Two trips of note were to snorkel into the Blue Cave, where the light makes every water molecule bounce in turquioiseness and a massive lobster scuttled away, and to sail to Klein Curaçao, Curaçao’s second island, an uninhabited speck with a forlorn, crumbling lighthouse and a rusting tanker.

Terry Watches the Football

When: Saturday, June 12; 2:30 p.m.
What: England vs. USA (World Cup group stage)
Where: Jakes Saloon (9th Avenue at 22nd and 23rd sts.), Manhattan

Notes: The game starts at 2:30 p.m., but it will be packed—as I think every pub will be—so if you want to come down, come down at 1 or before; in fact, I have been told that the pub opens at 9:30, and as Argentina play Nigeria at 10, I’ll be there then.

VIENTI, June 06/10

Very Important England National Team Information
Well, the domestic season has ended, and that means—at least in 2010—all attention is on the World Cup finals. England had a couple of warm-up games that mean little but were of course poured over and speculated on by seven zillion inches of newspaper and Internet column inches.

May 24, 2010; Wembley Stadium, Northwest London, England
England 3 Mexico 1

May 29, 2010; UPC-Arena, Graz, Austria
Japan 1 England 2

I personally do not get het up about these “friendlies.” If you win 6-0 and 6-0, then people start saying, well, the World Cup might as well be given to us now; if you play badly or so-so (as was the case in both games), then the naysayers start calling for blood, and there is the real and stupid risk of injury. The football bosses will say that these game give the manager a chance to see who his final 23 players will be, but he knows that anyway. No, this is more revenue-generating that anything else.
So, on Monday, June 1, manager Fabio Capello announced his final squad who will fly to South Africa from Austria, where they trained (in case you were thinking that Graz is an odd place for Japan to meet England). Out of the provisional squad are West Ham hero Scott Parker, who was always an outside chance of being picked anyway, but remaining in are goalkeeper Robert Green and defender Matthew Upson.
All the action and stomach butterflies begin on June 11, and England’s first game (in the group stage of three games) is against a little-known nation called the United States of America. If you’re going, get there 90 minutes before the 2:30 p.m. EST kick-off, as I guarantee you every pub in Manhattan showing it will be mobbed and hysterical.
On a side note, the one Mexican goal scored against England was scored by Guillermo Franco, a West Ham player…well, he was for less than 24 hours following his admittedly weak goal, but then the Hammers decided not to renew his contract. This had nothing to do with the goal, but it is indicative of something that I cannot quite work out.

Dire News

Very Important West Ham United Information

The news was so dire last week I did not have sufficient strength to write, but a week is a long time in politics and football, so I return. West Ham survived, as you know, but the manager, Gianfranco Zola, did not. This was not a surprise, and although everyone says that he’s a really nice chap—they say this seconds after saying he is to get the boot—his record is woeful, and he had to go. Now people are saying that he is bound to bounce back and be the success everyone thinks he will be, but why they think this I could not tell you. The very bottom-place club, Portsmouth, also said goodbye to its manager, Avram Grant, who once managed Chelsea, but not because they wanted him to go, just because he obviously does not relish next season having to play lower-level opposition such as Doncaster, Norwich and Scunthorpe. He is the bookmakers’ favourite for being the new manager of West Ham, which is why I am mentioning him. Managers act much in the same way as CEOs. They financially ruin a club/business, run it into the ground, spend money that really was not there, oversee the firing of countless staff, get a huge golden handshake when they are fired and then step into the next wonderful job to repeat. It happens all the time. So now, the players see who will come in and who will then leave. All clubs go on pre-season exhibition-match tours, and if you’re invited along, then perhaps you can breathe a little easier. As you also know, three teams come up from the division below, two automatically. The last team has to play home and away semi-final games and then a one-match final at a neutral ground. The teams taking part in this are the teams that ended in positions 3 to 6, and it just happened that it was the sixth-place team, Blackpool, who got through. This is quite a story, a small side from an unfashionable seaside town in Lancashire. Blackpool is kind of the Las Vegas of England, although why anyone would now go there when you can get on a £29 flight to Barcelona is beyond me. Blackpool also play in tangerine, which will at least provide some colour, even if its football will not. It has not been in the top flight of English football since 1971, and in 1983 it almost dropped down to the ”minor leagues.” In the 1950s four of its players played for England, including one our greatest, Sir Stanley Matthews, so it is fun to see them back, as opposed to the losing finalists, Cardiff, who have a nasty reputation for having hooligan fans (not that West Ham do not).

17 days to the World Cup finals!

English Premiership; Sunday, May 9, 2010

Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 1 Manchester City 1

This was the last game of the season, a tepid affair between two teams who had little to play for. Former West Ham goal scorer, Carlos Tévez, who now plays for City, was on record recently stating that he had no desire to score the goal that saw West Ham be relegated, but thankfully for him—and certainly for all us Hammers fans—the events of recent weeks made that a moot fear, but it still came as a surprise when the game started with Tévez sitting on the substitute’s bench. He did not play until something like the 65th minute and then did little. West Ham got to a great start when it went ahead in the 17th minute thanks to a clever heel-kick by Alessandro Diamanti that allowed Luis Boa Morte to chip over the ongoing goalkeeper. It was very exciting, well, at least for four minutes until our generally useless defense allowed the smallest player on the pitch to leap up and head into the far corner of the net. The next hour was largely pointless. Thank goodness the season is over. We survived by one spot, albeit having five points more than the 18th-placed team, that is, the last team to be relegated.

So, now all leads to the World Cup finals. Do you need to be told that this happens only once every four years and is the largest sporting event on earth? 32 teams qualify over two years out of something like 168. This is the time when we fans suddenly care about players we care not for over the last 48 months, when, for instance, suddenly Manchester Utd.’s Wayne Rooney must be moved around in bubble-wrap and have his every desire catered to immediately.

Tragedy Corner

New York Flyers’ own Brian Mayor is suffering today, so if you see him, gentle words only please. For his believed Grimsby Town ended, despite a valiant last push, second from bottom of the bottom-most league, League Two, and thus must spend at least one year in the Conference division, what some people call—mistakenly, probably, as these teams are relatively well financed—the nonprofessional league. They lost their last match 3-0 to Burton Albion, so it matter little what fellow strugglers Barnet (Cockney rhyming slang for “hair,” by the way, as in Barnet Fair (I assume once a huge day out but now no longer)) did. The Mariners have gone the way of Davy Jones’ Locker, a joke I am sure Brian is chuckling away at, but I think they have enough money to say at their stadium, Blunder Park, or should that read Blundell?

Players Who Play for Your Favourite Team? No. 1—Luís Boa-Morte

Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

Boa Morte is a bit of a joke at West Ham, it must be said. He shows all the right commitment, but his shots usually end up 30 feet above the goal and if one person can be assured of being seen screaming at the referee at some devious indiscretion to the dignity of his very person, you can bet on him. He has not played for West Ham since the last game of last season, due to injury, but manager Gianfranco Zola rates him. Of course, his name is translated from the Portuguese as “Good Death.”

English Premiership; Sunday, May 2, 2010

Crave Cottage, West London

Fulham 3 West Ham Utd. 2

Carlton Cole scored a goal at both ends, West Ham now having scored won-goals in two consecutive games. We did claw back to 2-1, but then Fulham scored a third, and it was game over, rather disappointing considering Fulham have not beaten West Ham at Fulham since 1966, the year England won the World Cup featuring a team comprising three West Ham players who played for what is considered the best Hammers side of all time. Also considering that Fulham have their eyes on other prizes, having beaten German team Hamburg to get to the final of the UEFA Cup, a staggering achievement for a side of their size. They came back to beat Hamburg, too, and Hamburg were confident of reaching the final that is top be played next week at, coincidentally, at Hamburg’s own stadium. Now the Hamburgers have to suffer the indignity of watching a team few have ever heard of play on their own soil. Anyway, back to the Hammers. As we lost this game by only one goal, it meant that for us to be relegated Hull had to cancel out a negative goal difference of 23 goals, that is they now had to win something like 12-0 and 11-nil in their last two remaining matches, the first of which happened on Monday. They drew that game 2-2, Wigan—who West Ham beat last week to effectively seal our survival—equalizing with seconds to go. This result means that West Ham cannot now go down. Now starts the inquiry as to why we were so bad this year and how we can avoid all this pain and hair loss next season. This upcoming Sunday is the last game of the season, with every club playing at the same hour. Chelsea are one point above Manchester Utd. I will avoid Nevada Smiths where both sets of these fans likely will turn crazy at some point.

Players Who Play for Your Favourite Team? No. 1—Robert Green

Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 1—Robert Green

It is not hyperbole to suggest that Robert Green, our and England’s goalkeeper, has kept us in the Premiership for another season. Some of his saves have been spectacular, but none have been so important as his fingertip save against a 30-yeard pile-driver against Wigan last week, which rebounded off the crossbar. Joining the Hammers from Norwich City, where he played 223 times, he is the only West Ham player who has not missed a single game in four years, now having chalked up 139 appearances. He also is likely to be the first choice for England at the World Cup, despite only playing for the national side nine times, although he must have thought often his chances were diminishing every time West Ham’s defence let in another goal. It’s his job to pick the ball back out of the net! The opposite thinking could be that he is a sharper goalkeeper from being constantly under pressure. The song sung about him is a spoof on Kermit the Frog’s tune, “It’s not easy being green.” For our Green, it is easy being green.

CELEBRATION BLOG

English Premiership; Saturday, April 24, 2010; Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 3 Wigan Athletic 2

Hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was the win that effectively sealed our survival to enjoy a new season of fear, despondency, angst, injury and lack of clarity. Watching this game intently, while keeping one eye on a screen at the other end of the bar to see how Hull City was doing, Hull being our major rivals for the last survival spot in the table. Of course, West Ham did not make it easy for themselves (it wouldn’t be West Ham if they did), going down 0-1 after four minutes thanks to an own-goal from our defender Jonathan Spector. Spector receives a lot of unfair comments. He’s American, you see, but in his defence, he plays for a Premiership team (even if it is one as bad as us) and three West Ham managers in a row have had confidence in him over the last four seasons; in fact, he is one of the team’s longest-serving players…but anyway, he did his part throughout the rest of the game, when easily his head could have dropped (football cliché for a player who performs the rest of the fixture in a manner of merely going through the motions). A great move then occurred between Araujo Ilan to Carlton Cole, Cole weaving through several players and passing back to Ilan for the first goal; this was just after Cole had a great run and shot foiled on the line by an outstretched boot, which also resulted in the Hull goalkeeper continuing to play despite 15 minutes later needing nine stitches in his chin and cheek. Tough people these footballers. That injury resulted in five minutes of extra time at the end of the first half, and just as it was about to close, Mark Noble curled a brilliant free kick off the despairing hand and then off the crossbar, kindly dropping down for Radoslav Kovac to head into an unguarded net. The second half started the same way as the first, with Wigan scoring. Everyone was going crazy, as—and this happened for Wigan’s first goal, too—the corner-kicker (does everyone know what a corner is? It’s when the ball goes out of play across the line at the end of the pitch, not the side, and with the last contact on the ball being off a defender; thus, the attacking side gets to sail in a ball from the corner spot) not placing the ball in the corner quadrant. It was clearly out, or with perhaps with the merest contact with the chalked half-circle…the ball went in, of course, and we all started getting butterflies in our stomachs. The pain was a little offset by events on the other screen that showed Sunderland were winning 0-1 and Hull missed a penalty kick, the ball hitting the post from the boot of the normally clinical Jimmy Bullard. Then with 13 minutes to go, Guillermo Franco cushioned a header down to the feet of Scott Parker, who took two steps forward and literally cannoned the ball into the back of the net. The bar was shaking. For the next 13 minutes + 4 extra time, West Ham threw every limb in front of every ball, and when they got possession, they smashed the ball as far forward as they could. These minutes feel like hours, Our goalkeeper was immense as always, saving a colossal save in the first half that would have seen Wigan take a probably unassailable 0-2 lead and again in the second half from a free-kick attempt that he had to have seen at the last moment. When the final whistle went, relief was palpable, and then a minute later we saw that the Hull result had stayed the same.



What Happens Now? Terry Ruminates.

It has been clear that West Ham have not been good enough this season, but we have survived. Well, I say that, but there still is a chance that we will go down, but only if Hull win their next two games 6-0 and 6-0 and we lose 6-0 and 6-0, which ain’t going to happen, even to West Ham. We were saved by there being three teams even worse than us. Hull will now be in financial meltdown, its captain already starting to blame the team’s past administration, although most of his thoughts were probably on the fact that he is currently on a huge weekly wage but not good enough to play for any other Premiership team, except, perhaps, West Ham. And there are two games to go, so West Ham could technically finish 14th, which would not surprise me. We did that in 2006/07, our Great Escape, with Señor Carlos Tévez, narrowly avoiding the drop but ending up 15th. West Ham’s chairman talks a little too much, his latest Words to the Wise stating how in his opinion everyone in the team, except for Scott Parker, is up for sale but then following that up with the illogical statement that he wants to add to the team, not take away from it. At least they will put some money behind the team now…being relegated to the Championship (the division below, obviously) is massively disabilitating…they say that the team who gets promoted in the Play Offs, i.e., goes the other way, wins a game that is worth £50 million…in other words, Hull stand to lose that in television and rights money. Some teams just are not big enough ever to rebound, England not having the same system as you have here for American football, with drafts, etc., and the worst team technically having the ability to select the best new player.

Players Who Play for Your Favourite Team? No. 3—Scott Parker

Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 3—Scott Parker

Scott Parker is without doubt the man of the moment. He scores few goals, but when he does, they tend to be spectacular, a pattern he showed at Charlton, Chelsea and Newcastle, his previous clubs. He’s been at West Ham now for three seasons, and our team definitely plays around him. Another football cliché meaning that every move forward tends to go through his presence in the midfield, and it really is a presence. He was suspended for two games before the Wigan match, and you notice his absence immediately. He will definitely get every honour this year…Supporters’ Player of the Year (he won that last season, too); Players’ Player of the Year, even probably the captain’s armband for next season. He has played for England, too, but with Frank Lampard (Chelsea) and Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), he is unlikely to get to play for the nation any time soon, more’s the pity.

English Premiership; Monday, April 19, 2010

English Premiership; Monday, April 19, 2010; Anfield, Liverpool

Liverpool 3 West Ham Utd. 0


There is no shame losing to Liverpool (do I say that about most teams?), but by all accounts, we were sloppy. One commentator said we played like a Championship team, and that does not mean we're about to win something, it means we're of the quality to play in the division below the one we're struggling in. The first Liverpool goal was scored by ex-Hammer Yossi Benayoun, a fantastic player, an Israeli, who refused to celebrate his goal, and again, this is something that also happens far too much, that is, ex-players scoring against us and refusing to jump up and down or skid across the watered pitch towards their fans.
Then all West Ham eyes turned to yesterday's match, a catch-up fixture, the reason I have waited so long to update the blog (sorry, I know you wait with anxious anticipation, to see what the outcome was between Aston Villa and Hull, Hull being three points behind us and occupying 18th spot, that is the last relegation spot. Thankfully, they were abject, Villa going to Hull's ground and beating them easily 0-2. That relieves some pressure, and manager Gianfranco Zola must use it to bang home the fact that if we beat Wigan on Saturday (the game is at Upton Park, that is, home) then we stand every possibility of surviving what is frankly a pitiful season. With three games to go, all we can get is 40 points (and we'll not do that). The last time we went down 2002/03 we gained 42 points.
There is much speculation that even if we do survive, Zola's job is in jeopardy, but this looks to me like lazy journalism. Not all the woe has been his fault, we've had injuries and new owners, and perhaps more importantly, his contract is long. but when any manager has had a hard time, out the journalists trot the usual suspects of the unemployed, the underemployed or the foreign-employed, so the names of Martin Jol, Steve McClaren and Avram Grant, even former manager Alan Pardew.

English Premiership; Saturday, April 3, 2010 & Saturday, April 10, 2010

English Premiership; Saturday, April 3, 2010; Goodison Park. Liverpool

Everton 2 West Ham Utd. 2

English Premiership; Saturday, April 10, 2010; Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 1 Sunderland 0

Are these the two results that lift West Ham out of the gloaming? The Hammers dug deep and came back twice against high-flying Everton, despite Mido missing a penalty and his first potential goal for us and the team going behind twice. When West Ham went down 2-1 with five minutes to go, it must have felt like the death-blow on a season of under-achievement, but then Julian Faubert floated in a delightful header that Araujo Ilan, our Brazilian, launched towards, heading in a wonder equaliser.

Then a week later, we secured a magical three points against a tough Sunderland side featuring ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand. Our goal again came courtesy of Ilan, who poked a Carlton Cole flick-on past the goalkeeper that came from a deep lob from Manuel da Costa. There were some tense minutes and furious defending in the last part of the game, and the relief was evident when the final whistle went.

Meanwhile, my venue for these great games has undergone some earth-moving reverberations. It is all speculation, but it seems the bar was fined for allegedly serving alcohol to underage fans (that’ll probably be Arsenal supporters, who have the average age of 14). This fine was passed on to staff, who, understandably, did not like the plan, so people have left and one even, apparently, spent a night in jail. So fans of some teams are boycotting the place. Who says the only drama is on the pitch?

Why did Terry not post a VIWHUI newsletter last week?

I apologise for my absence, again, but I went to Turkey for a vacation. I discovered we had won—I saw a league table in an Istanbul newspaper, so saw we had gained three points, although I did not know the score—while having a coffee in the district of Beyuğlo. I went to Istanbul for two days. It is wonderful, but after seeing a few A List sights—Blue Mosque; Haghia Sofya, etc.—I ran from the Topkapi Palace, so large are the shuffling groups standing behind guides clutching umbrellas, and discovered outlying districts such as Fener, Balat and Edirnekapi, the former of which we ate in a first-story restaurant where locals bought us raki and invited us to a sing-along with clarinet, and the latter in which we discovered a shop selling honey on the comb. Then we flew to Southern Anatolia, to the small city of Gaziantep, which translates as “Warrior Pistachio” and took a bus the next day to Şanlıurfa (“Glorious”), which was even better. This was a town of Kurds all wearing violet headscarves and offering small cups of tea in tulip-shaped glass every time we even neared them. Hospitality in this region is amazing, and I was not rude enough to wonder how all this tea was paid for. It goes like this: “Çay?” That is, chai—tea. And when you say, yes, please, tea is called for and arrives. The bringer of the tea disappears, and at no time is money transferred. It was all mysterious and wonderful. Maybe there is a monthly fee for unlimited tea? Then we headed south to Harran, which claims to be the oldest, continuously inhabited place in the world, where Abraham and Job once walked. Now it has Harran Culture House I and Harran Culture House II, beehive-shaped houses, a ruined, tall minaret, camels, shepherds, hoopoes, owls and calm. We drove on stony roads to the border with Syria (we did not have a visa so could not cross) and up to Mardin, where we were invited into a house by the elderly women who owned it, after she saw us admire her door. From her roof all of Mesopotamia was unfurled in front of us. We crossed the Euphrates and dragged our hands through the Tigres. Then we headed north through Batman (who could resist), put the car on a ferry and drove to the majestic mountaintop statues of Nemrut Daği, which were built by Antiochius approximately 2.000 years ago.

Past Players Who Played for Your Favourite Team?

Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 4—Trevor Brooking

No player looms larger in West Ham history than Trevor Brooking, who played for one club and one club only, your beloved Hammers. Born in Barking, yards from the ground, Sir Trevor (he was knighted in 2004), he played his first game for the team in 1967, his last in 1984, and was the sole goal scorer in our last trophy win, the 1980 FA Cup Final against Arsenal, who my brother supports (why? how?). I remembered it as though it happened 30 years ago…Alan Devonshire raced up the left touchline, crossed the ball in to David Cross, whose shot was saved by the Arsenal goalkeeper, Pat Jennings, but only to Stuart Pearson, whose miss-kick glances off Brooking’s head and into the back of the net. Later, Sir Trevor opened the Erith branch of Lipton’s Supermarket (yes, it was not Beckhamesque glamorous in those days), where my Mum met him and got my official FA Cup program signed. My Mum liked him as he was/is polite and has nine “O” levels, excellent academic qualifications, rare in football players, who, let’s face it, are not paid and worshipped because they can understand the intrinsic difficulties of scientific theorems. When West Ham were last promoted to the Premiership (2005/06), Sir Trevor watched the game at Nevada Smiths, because the England national side (he now works for the English Football Association as Director of Football Development) was playing an exhibition game later that day at Giants Stadium). We all got to meet him after the 1-0 victory against Preston North End, and he is a top geezer, as we say back home.

Dark Days

English Premiership; Saturday, March 20, 2010;
Emirates Stadium, North London

Arsenal 2 West Ham Utd. 0

English Premiership; Saturday, March 23, 2010;
Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 1 Wolverhampton Wanderers 3

English Premiership; Saturday, March 27, 2010;
Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 0 Stoke City 1

Dark, dark, dark days, this being West Ham’s sixth loss in a row, a devastating collapse (not that we started off well either) that sees us in 17th position on equal points with Hull City (the last team we beat), with Hull having played a game less than us. Second-tier football is a decided possibility, and manager Gianfranco Zola is weighing up his future. The club says it is behind him, coded text that means he already probably has one foot out of the door. Old hands say what they always do at this point, that West Ham player legend Trevor Brooking will come back for the remaining few games and save the only club he ever played for, before saying that he does not want the job on a permanent basis. Why would he? He looked great when he has stepped into this role before, and then he walks away with his halo newly burnished. There are six games left, and we need to win three.

Past Players Who Played for Your Favourite Team?

Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 3—Bryan “Pop” Robson

I received a request from New York Flyer Brian Mayor asking for information about Bryan Stanley Robson, who played for West Ham in two stints, the first between 1971 and 1974, the second between 1976 and 1979, which means, despite him being one of our greatest goalscorers, he missed out on playing in our winning FA Cup teams of 1975 and 1980. Brought up in Sunderland, in Northeast England, where he played in those intermittent years, he scored 47 goals during both those West Ham periods, the first in 120 games, the second in 107. He also played for Newcastle, which is Sunderland’s bitterest rivals (fans do not like players who do this, where he helped win Newcastle’s last trophy, a major lack of form for such a huge club. This was the 1969 Fairs Cup, which no longer exists, against a Hungarian team called Ujpest Dozsa, which is just now seeing better days after three decades of slump during the last Communist days and the new days of stumbling democracy. Meanwhile, Brian’s team Grimsby, after valiantly holding on to professional-league status last year, are doomed to be paying in the non-league Conference division next season. Dark days for a number of us.

Why did Terry not post a VIWHUI newsletter last week?

I apologise for my absence, but after four months of landlocked-ness (a new word I just invented), I swanned off to the Caribbean (Sint-Maarten, Saint-Martin, St. Lucia, Barbados, Martinique, U.S. Virgin Islands and Bahamas), which was amazing, although it was on a cruise ship, a form of travel I do not totally understand. The average age aboard hovered around 70, although a decided lack of mobility did not stop the blue-rinse crowd getting to the Dessert Extravaganza on the Lido Desk with startling speed. I saw one woman there whose wig had slipped as she lowered her bottom lip in line with the table and scooped in ice cream and gateaux in the same action.

As for the islands themselves, I ditched the organized shore excursions and went forthright into the field on my own. St. Lucia is amazing, the local bus drive from capital Castries to the smaller town of Soufrière being amazing and potentially fatal, listening to a lour and animated discussion on the radio—Dennis Samuels’ The Agenda—concerning duty-free cars for minicab drivers (the issue of the moment! Perhaps they have not heard of West Ham’s predicament!!). I walked up the steep hill to the base of Petit Piton, which is so beautiful and floated on my back in the warm sea watching fluffy clouds waft over its peak, before a closed-hotel’s janitor, Peter, who I bought a beer, caught a moray eel that we cooked for lunch. Martinique is also exceptionally beautiful, although the ship crowd were moaning very audibly that they thought it despicable that the Fort-de-France locals had not opened the duty-free shops on Sunday. I did not have such concerns and went to St. Pierre and Mount Pelée, which erupted in 1902 and killed 40,000 St. Pierrians.

I ran every day on the treadmill, which more than doubled my experiences on these horrible things. In order to get through an hour, I i-Poded my way to sanity: Friday: Tindersticks; Saturday: Dexy’s Midnight Runners; Sunday: The Fall; Monday: The Human League; Tuesday: The Clash; Thursday: The Dandy Warhols.

English Premiership; Sat., March 13, 2010

Stamford Bridge, West London

Chelsea     4     West Ham Utd.     1

Another game, another loss, although it is no shame to lose to Chelsea on their pitch, especially as they have a very clear chance to win the Premiership title this year. Whenever West Ham play one of the Big Four—Chelsea, Manchester United, Arsenal or Liverpool—we seem to raise our game and play well under severe pressure for an hour, and this is what happened in this match. Ilan missed a sitter for the Hammers, from all of five yards, and that will not endear him to manager Gianfranco Zola, who gave starts to him and Mido (we have these two players who have no first name (well, they probably do for their mothers), just like Beyonce or Kylie, or someone like that) in place of Alesssandro Diamanti and Carlton Cole, who has a slightly sore knee. Anyway, Chelsea punished us a minute later. We did equalise from a fantastic, unstoppable shot from Scott Parker, who does not score often, but when he does they are often spectacular, this time a shot from 30 yards that the goalkeeper did not even move towards. Then, on 51 minutes, we were guilty of another horrendous lapse in our defense when Didier Drogba scored with the simplest of headers. After that, it was all downhill. Next up, Arsenal…more onslaught. Currently, West Ham is three points (that is, one win) away from danger and relegation.

Great West Ham Games of the Past—an occasional series, No.2

We Ask, Can Terry Remember That Far Back?

Arsenal     0     West Ham Utd.     1

Wembley (May 1980)

This is memorable as it is the last time we won a trophy, the 1980 F.A. Cup final, one of the biggest day’s in world sport. Since then it has been 30 years of nothingness, although currently high-flying Manchester City has not won anything for 34 years. Kindly, Manchester United, its cross-city rivals, reminds them of this every time they play against one another, with a huge sign stating just this that they drape across the stands. In this game, West Ham was in the old 2nd Division, while Arsenal was—as always, annoyingly—riding high in the 1st. To say that we were the underdogs would be to say that in a military skirmish, Burkina Faso probably would not do too well against the United States. The claret n’ blue was flying proudly in the cool breeze as West Ham attacked after 10 minutes and the ball skidded into the back of the net off the head of legend Trevor Brooking, who my Mum liked, as he has 9 “O” levels (indicative of a good education, something rare among football players, who, after all, are not paid to explain Fermat’s Last Theorem), and who she met once opening a branch of Lipton’s supermarket in Erith, the town in which I grew up. I think that might have been only one of two headers Brooking ever scored. I met him down Nevada Smith’s (3rd Ave. and 11th St.) when West Ham were promoted to the current Premiership four years ago, and he’s a great chap. Back to this game, it was also notable for a blatant foul of the then youngest player ever to play in an F.A. Cup final, Paul Allen, who was on his way to score with just the goalkeeper to beat, when Willie Young callously stuck his foot out and tripped the young lad up. Today, that would have been a straight red dismissal card, but then, no. It was also notable as Arsenal is my brother’s team (how? why?) and he didn’t talk to me for two months. Two glorious months in which I never for a minute let him forget the final score.

The Current Squad, No. 2

Who Plays for Your Favourite Team? Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 2—Bondzanga N’Gala (shirt no. 44)

I just like name. One of the club’s legends was a Billy Bonds, who still holds the record for the most games played for the club, more than 700, and his nickname was Bonzo, so that’s gone. We’ll see of Bondz, as he is known, if he will be of that quality, and deserving of a nickname, but his league debut was in this weekend’s game against Chelsea, what is the equivalent of a Baptism by Fire. He is English, and he is another product of the club’s famed Academy, from which we regularly find, improve and round off some of the world’s greatest talent, only to sell them off during our occasional drops to the lower divisions or more-than-occasional financial crises. This young defender has recently had loan spells at Plymouth Argyle (one of the great names of football teams in the UK) and Scunthorpe Town.

Forever Blogging Hammers

Dear loyal Flyer-Hammers supporters,
We've kicked the ball high into the air of a new era of VIWHUI blog. "We're forever blogging Hammers" to paraphrase the West Ham United anthem, but this new epoch starts with bad news...
English Premiership; Saturday, March 6, 2010; Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. 1 Bolton Wanderers 2

After a not-unexpected loss away at league leaders Manchester Utd., the Hammers were expected to continue their home run of two wins in a row with another win against lowly Bolton, whose away form is awful...well, of course they'd turn that around against us, wouldn't they. In the first half we were simply awful, especially our defense, which could not do anything well. Normally solid James Tompkins tried to shield the ball over the touchline, only to see a Bolton player scoop it off him and to an unmarked attacker; the first goal showed the lack of marking that a better team like Manchester was able to simply manipulate, but so was rubbish like Bolton. Julian Faubert, who has shown great strides in performance in the last week, also looked paltry, and while we improved in the second half, our one goal came far too late (the 89th minute). We almost got a point when a shot from Junior Stanislas rocked the crossbar, but Bolton were worthy winners and leapfrog us in the standings. As out next two games are against Chelsea and Arsenal, we could soon be in trouble and look to the clubs below us—Wolves, Burnley, Hull, etc.—to remain even worse than we are. Our goal, from Alessandro Diamanti, was excellent, and if it had been the winner, we'd be talking about it from now until humans stopped talking, but it wasn't, so....

Great West Ham Games of the Past—an occasional series.

We Ask, Can Terry Remember That Far Back?


West Ham Utd. 5 Coventry City 0

Upton Park (April 2000)

I'll start off with this game, as I was there, West Ham have not scored five "unanswered" goals since and, according to one newspaper report, these unlikely words were linked with the club—"sensational, irresistible and unstoppable." I have to slap myself to think of a West Ham team that has had such honey-coated words connected with it, although two seasons later and the team, with pretty much the same players, was relegated. At least I can tell future generations that I was at Upton Park and saw the world's greatest player, Paolo di Canio, run an opposition to shreds and score two goals.

The team was curious in the sense that I have no memory whatsoever of the goalkeeper, Feuer. Apparently, he played for West Ham for two seasons (non consecutive ones) but only started on four occasions, this obviously being once of them, but as this game was so deliciously one-sided, it is not a surprise that he played little part and that I never had got wind of him, soon after which he disappeared quickly. Apparently, he was an American. Okay, still never heard of him, but I am sure he remembers this game just as well as I do. Our other three goals were scored by Michael Carrick (now at Manchester Utd.), Javier Margas (a Chilean who now has retired and was last in the news for having bought dictator Augusto Pinochet's armoured car) and Frédéric Kanoute (a France-born Malian who has enjoyed a high level of success since with Spanish team Sevilla). The rest of the team comprised Ian Feuer; Igor Stimac; Rio Ferdinand; Scott Minto; Trevor Sinclair; Frank Lampard, and Paolo Wanchope. Frank Lampard, who plays for Chelsea, probably has been the most successful and is currently always an obvious choice for the England national team. West Ham players call him Fat Frank, which really annoys Chelsea fans, as when he was at West Ham, he did need to lose a few pounds, but since he arrived on the other side of London, that's hardly been the case, and he has turned into an international star...still, "Who ate all the pies?; who ate all the pies?; Frankie did; Frankie did; Frankie ate all the pies."

This game also was notable in the sense that I got my tickets through the Flyers. Former Flyer Craig Allen, a Scot, had a colleague in his London office who had an apartment next door to the apartment former manager Harry Redknapp used when he was in London. This colleague knocked on the door, to which our Harry shuffled towards. "Yeah?" "Er, good evening, Mr. Redknapp, it's your neighbour. I wondered if you had any tickets for the Coventry game?" "Sure, cost yer a bottle of port." "Okay." So, all I needed to do was replace this bottle, and there I'd be, East London-style, shouting down from the terraces. Mr. Redknapp currently is in trouble with London's Finest over alleged tax fraud, but far from me to doubt his business methods.

The Current Squad

Who Plays for Your Favourite Team? Terence Baker Fearlessly Finds Out.

No. 1—Valon Behrami (shirt no. 21)

West Ham supporters traditionally love attacking midfielders, those dauntless players able to collect the ball at the halfway line, dance towards the opposition, skip around at least four of them and either lay off the perfect pass to a goalscorer or dispense with said goalscoring prowess altogether and just to do the job themselves. Notable examples of this type of player have included Paolo di Canio, Trevor Brooking, Ian Bishop and my favourite player of all time, Alan Devonshire, a man who used to catch the District Line underground to home matches he was playing in. So, it was just a shame that Valon Bahrami fitted none of these characteristics when we first saw him put on the famous claret n' blue. He is Albanian, albeit a Swiss national now, and he did come all over as rather shellshocked. It's understandable. He comes from a country that one was ruled by a King Zog, which means King Bird in Albanian. However, since his inauspicious beginnings, Behrami has stretched his wings phoenix-like to becoming a firm crowd favourite and evern scoring the opening goal against Hull City in a recent match. His work effort is magnificent, and as that often results in clever play, the crowd in recent weeks has got even more behind him. Fans of Italian club Lazio love him, too, for he once scored the winner against Rome rivals Roma, and there is little more important in the Eternal City than that game, and in this, he adds his name to that other West Ham and Lazio champion, Paolo di Canio, who loves West Ham but has Lazio light blue in his veins. I once was in a bar frequented by socialists and communists just behind the Termini rail station in Rome. It is called Treinta e Due, that is, 32, and it's in the San Lorenzo district, which is wonderfully shady, in every meaning of that word. I walked up to the bar, and the bar man asked me, on hearing my accent, what was my team. Not, what do you want to drink, but what was my team. "West Ham," I replied. A change came over him, he jumped over the bar, raised both hands, smiled and hugged me. "Paolo di Canio," he said (even though Di Canio has often being accused of supporting facism), "I'm Lazio! You pay for nothing. Your money is no good here." So that was a wonderful, perfect evening in Rome, the sun still warm and the faces happy, sipping beer for free, talking football and politics and hoping the fascist bar across the road did not fire-bomb us.

English Premiership; Sat., Feb. 20, 2010

Upton Park, East London West Ham Utd. 3 Hull City 0

Our second win in a row, something that has not happened all season, and, also, now, five “unanswered” goals for the Hammers. It must be said that Hull were woeful, but West Ham soaked up any pressure and were one-nil up within three minutes, courtesy of Valon Behrami, who scored his first Premiership goal; he almost got a second but was denied by a quite brilliant save. The other key player was Julian Faubert, who curled a 45-year pass around the Hull defense for Carlton Cole to slot home and then scored an injury-time goal of his own—also his first—to finish off completely the opposition. On Tuesday (which might be yesterday, depending on when the Flyers weekly newsletter goes out), we play Manchester United in Manchester—a game that will not be so easy, although United’s defense is pressently showing that it is human. And in other sporting news, Great Britain actually won a gold medal in Vancouver, in skeleton, a sport that I am only just aware of, but, hey, gold is gold.! The sport resembles sliding down a slope on a tea tray, head first—the British actually practice with a plate of biscuits and a pot of tea on the tray, just so that things do not look too odd.. The victor, Amy Williams, does not even have a snow slope to train on, in a country where the highest hill is little taller than Pat Duffy, but rather a plastic one, so extra kudos to her.