Dear Hammers,
Again, a rather boring week for news, and I really cannot be bothered to report of some extended loan transfer of a player who has never played, or rarely, for the First XI. I did see co-chairman David Gold tweeted—or in newspaper parlance, “blasted”—FIFA puppet Septic Bladder for his ridiculous statement that racism is not a serious problem in football (in life?) that cannot be sorted out with a good ol’ manly handshake. It would have been disgusting, but also somewhat brilliant for writers, if he has not said “handshake” but instead replaced “handshake” with a nice, patronizing “pat on the head.” Gold said he should resign, so expect that to be a done deal, as obviously Gold has huge influence in…er…actually, nowhere…not even Leyton.
And mildly of interest—only if it results with the whole team and management off to do a 10-stretch in Wormwood Scrubs—are the continuing allegations that Karen “Rottweiler
Brady’s phone was tapped, supposedly by accountants hired by a certain team in white from North London. With its manager—and formerly ours—in the dock on tax-evasion charges, too, but also the team playing (sound of gnashing teeth) some absolutely superb football, this might be an interesting time for F.C. Rooster. I imagine all these intercepted calls are concerning the move to the Olympic Stadium, a quest that is as quiet as a dodo right now.
Quite a number of us popped down to Legends (6 W. 33rd St., between 5th and 6th aves.) last Friday night for the Supporters Clubs’ annual drinkfest, and even though West Ham has hardly been on the idiot box all year, we were the club with the highest attendance. Does this say volumes of our love for the claret n’ blue or for lashings of free beer. There even were some good ol’ East London knees-up sing-alongs with the ol’ Joanna…actually, hearty renditions of “Bubbles,” which got some local photographers all a-gush and snappy. Expect to see some photos. Anyone have any they can pass along for the general merriment of your West Ham brothers and sisters? I half expected to see someone pull out an old Christmas LP by Mrs. Mills. Does anyone sadly remember her single, “I Was Queen Victoria’s Chambermaid”. Unfortunately, I heard this every Christmas for a decade growing up. Luckily it had not long-term effect, although maybe I am not the one to judge.
And we did get news that the Derby game will be shown live (see below), and we’re really hoping that we can get a large crowd, especially as Saturday will be the third day of what here in Americaland is the Thanksgiving Holiday. Jack Keane, ye godlike muse, down at Legends has been really good to us and will scan every broadcast worldwide at the merest sniff of the Hammers, so let’s get out in fine voice.
Coventry City 1 West Ham Utd. 2
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
Mrs. Mills (and you really should subject yourself to a little. Life should not always be roses and champagne) also had an LP out (that’s old-people speak for CD) called “Look Mum, No Hands,” and that is an apt, albeit strained segue to Frédéric Piquionne’s winner against Coventry that he headed in about two inches off the ground, if my spies’ reports are to be believed.
Piquionne tweeted in the week that he was looking to score, as he felt he was fourth or fifth in the West Ham striker pecking order, which might be true. John Carew started the match off with in-form Sam Baldock, and he was substituted at the expense of Carlton Cole, so the bottom line is that Big Sam Allerdyce was quite the man with the plan on Saturday, as he scored the equaliser. I was following on line, of course, and it all looked mean to a certain point, with Southampton 3-0 up and the Hammers 0-1 down.
Common consensus is that Baldock and Cole should start against Derby, and it is also thought by those with their noses to the wind that West Ham’s own Frank Lampard-Steven Gerrard conundrum is Carew and Cole playing alongside one another. Your thoughts?
Next Matches
Derby County vs West Ham Utd.
Baseball Ground, Derby, Derbyshire
Saturday, November 26, 2011; 12:20 p.m. EST
This is the late game on the Saturday and thus on. Hurrah! I have only seen the Hammers twice this season, the season opener, where we collapsed in the last five minutes against Cardiff, and the 4-3 win against Portsmouth in early September that was an exercise in patience over the static of a continually “dropping” computer feed. The Derby game is on Sky, I believe, so expect the horror of seeing Kevin Nolan’s mug in high definition.
West Ham Utd. vs Middlesbrough
Upton Park, East London
Tuesday, November 29, 2011; 2:45 p.m. EST
There is no European photo on this Tuesday night, so do not be surprised if suddenly the Hammers are on two games in a row. I’ll see if I can find out on Saturday…but you’ll be there, too, won’t you!
Our victory against Coventry and Middlesbrough’s tie against Blackpool leaves us three points clear of Middlesbrough. Of course, there are this Saturday’s games to come, but we could potentially leave Middlesbrough trailing in our wake in the same of two weeks. That is what will happen.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Dull Week. Very Dull. Actually, the Most Dull.
Dear Hammers,
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
You Can Keep Your El Hadji Diouf
Dear Hammers,
It was not a particularly satisfying week, was it? (see game reports below), as I am assuming at this level we should win every game, but happy was the news that El Hadji Diouf is not coming to West Ham. The player—who once infamously spat at Hammers supporters when he played for Liverpool (actually, in the particular game this incident occurred in, the fat lump was an unused substitute)—instead signed for Premiership-bound (this is sarcasm, by the way, which is not so easy to convey in words) Doncaster Rovers, who are at the bottom of the Championship…well, they wouldn’t have been if West Ham had done what they were supposed to have done and beaten Bristol City…but, anyway, Doncaster even had reservations, stating that they had concerns (which is why my above statement of his portly girth can not get me in trouble) about his fitness. He did play for them, though, in the first game that he could have been picked, but then Doncaster do not have the resources we have, or the luxury to pick and choose, although with our ongoing injury crisis (doesn’t it always seem like we have one of those, despite Glenn Rodent’s New Age health renaissance at the club?), perhaps we do not either.
The injuries continue, with news today that Winston Reid will be out for a month following a shoulder injury picked up during the Bristol game. Reid has played very well this season, and he will be missed, but James Tompkins is back, so our defence I do not think is our main concern. Getting Matty Taylor back is.
Championship; Sat., Oct. 29, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 3 Leicester City 2
I was thinking when the scoreline was 2-1 that this was the first game this season in which West Ham did its specialty party trick—keeping our emotions on a yo-yo right until the last minute. Previously, it feels, we have either lost 0-1/1-0 or thrashed the opposition to an inch of its hide. Sam Baldock again proved a canny buy, with two goals, one of which was quite brilliant, and Julian Faubert seems to at long last be earning his £6.1 million (remember!) transfer fee from Bordeaux. Following online, I thought it’d be all over at 3-1, but West Ham did that wobbly thing again. There was even some last-minute jitters involving scuffed clearances, half-seen saves and other whatnot. This win got us to one position below Southampton. The “intelligent” money had Leicester winning this game, because people always think that when a manager departs a team (in their case, Sven Göran Eriksson in midweek), the team will bounce back with a victory. I don’t know why they think that, apart from it being something to fill column inches or TV minutes, but then again Leicester almost did.
Championship; Tues., Nov. 1, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Bristol City 2
This 0-0 draw must be construed as a loss for us, a victory for Bristol City, which does seem to have turned a curve in recent weeks, with this draw and an away win against Barnsley the previous Saturday. The possession statistic tells of a game that West Ham dominated, nearly two-thirds of all balls have been played to a pair of Hammers toes (first great joke of the week, I fear), but we had only one more shot on target than did Bristol, so either the Robins did a great job holding us in midfield, or we severely miss Matty Taylor. Freddie Sears hit the post with a curling shot from distance (getting closer, Freddie), but a Bristol City player did the same, and our collective youghurt would have curdled if we’d actually lost the game. It will be interesting to read Big Sam’s comments and know how he is going to change things around so that we get the perfect combination of tough defence (already there, I feel, although Reid will be missed), crafty, quick, solid midfield (I am still not convinced) and huge, tall attack (it’s there, but is the ball, too?). I imagine ex-Hammer goalkeeper David James got some satisfaction on keeping a clean sheet. And with Peterborough coming back in its game against Southampton but not quite fully all the way, we are again five points to the poor.
Next Match
Hull City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Kingston upon Hull, The Wilderness West of Watford
On to Hull in wintry North England. Did you know that Hull is Egyptian-owned? Let’s hope they do not plan a Spring Revolution starting on Saturday. The team is playing so-so, either losing by a goal or winning by one, which sounds depressingly like the West Ham of recent years, if not this season. My prediction is West Ham will be eager to kick off their Bristol slump, score two first-half goals and never look back.
And here are some fun statistics. Do you know the most successful team ever to play in the Championship/2nd Division? Barnsley. Of course, that probably means they have been successful in not getting promoted to the Premiership/1st Division (except for that one year a few years ago, in which they were immediately relegated) or getting relegated to League One/3rd Division. Barnsley have played 2,933 games at that level, amassing 3,154 points, but winning only 1,009 times, a win percentage of 34. Not good; but their loss percentage is not that much worse, so lots of dull draws all round I guess.
Arsenal do not have any statistics of this manner, because annoyingly they are the only team that have never played outside the top league (how I would love for me to write one day that they did, and for a few weeks this season it looked like Tottenham would have joined them). Hull is sixth on the list; West Ham, 32nd, as only older readers of this blog will remember when we played in the Premiership.
Our statistics? And I did not do the maths for us before I did it for Barnsley, so we might expect shocking statistics here, too…!
Points gained, 1,619; played 1,337; won 585 (43%; phew!!!); lost 421 (including a massive 300 games away from home; 31%).
It was not a particularly satisfying week, was it? (see game reports below), as I am assuming at this level we should win every game, but happy was the news that El Hadji Diouf is not coming to West Ham. The player—who once infamously spat at Hammers supporters when he played for Liverpool (actually, in the particular game this incident occurred in, the fat lump was an unused substitute)—instead signed for Premiership-bound (this is sarcasm, by the way, which is not so easy to convey in words) Doncaster Rovers, who are at the bottom of the Championship…well, they wouldn’t have been if West Ham had done what they were supposed to have done and beaten Bristol City…but, anyway, Doncaster even had reservations, stating that they had concerns (which is why my above statement of his portly girth can not get me in trouble) about his fitness. He did play for them, though, in the first game that he could have been picked, but then Doncaster do not have the resources we have, or the luxury to pick and choose, although with our ongoing injury crisis (doesn’t it always seem like we have one of those, despite Glenn Rodent’s New Age health renaissance at the club?), perhaps we do not either.
The injuries continue, with news today that Winston Reid will be out for a month following a shoulder injury picked up during the Bristol game. Reid has played very well this season, and he will be missed, but James Tompkins is back, so our defence I do not think is our main concern. Getting Matty Taylor back is.
Championship; Sat., Oct. 29, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 3 Leicester City 2
I was thinking when the scoreline was 2-1 that this was the first game this season in which West Ham did its specialty party trick—keeping our emotions on a yo-yo right until the last minute. Previously, it feels, we have either lost 0-1/1-0 or thrashed the opposition to an inch of its hide. Sam Baldock again proved a canny buy, with two goals, one of which was quite brilliant, and Julian Faubert seems to at long last be earning his £6.1 million (remember!) transfer fee from Bordeaux. Following online, I thought it’d be all over at 3-1, but West Ham did that wobbly thing again. There was even some last-minute jitters involving scuffed clearances, half-seen saves and other whatnot. This win got us to one position below Southampton. The “intelligent” money had Leicester winning this game, because people always think that when a manager departs a team (in their case, Sven Göran Eriksson in midweek), the team will bounce back with a victory. I don’t know why they think that, apart from it being something to fill column inches or TV minutes, but then again Leicester almost did.
Championship; Tues., Nov. 1, 2011; Upton Park, East London
West Ham Utd. 0 Bristol City 2
This 0-0 draw must be construed as a loss for us, a victory for Bristol City, which does seem to have turned a curve in recent weeks, with this draw and an away win against Barnsley the previous Saturday. The possession statistic tells of a game that West Ham dominated, nearly two-thirds of all balls have been played to a pair of Hammers toes (first great joke of the week, I fear), but we had only one more shot on target than did Bristol, so either the Robins did a great job holding us in midfield, or we severely miss Matty Taylor. Freddie Sears hit the post with a curling shot from distance (getting closer, Freddie), but a Bristol City player did the same, and our collective youghurt would have curdled if we’d actually lost the game. It will be interesting to read Big Sam’s comments and know how he is going to change things around so that we get the perfect combination of tough defence (already there, I feel, although Reid will be missed), crafty, quick, solid midfield (I am still not convinced) and huge, tall attack (it’s there, but is the ball, too?). I imagine ex-Hammer goalkeeper David James got some satisfaction on keeping a clean sheet. And with Peterborough coming back in its game against Southampton but not quite fully all the way, we are again five points to the poor.
Next Match
Hull City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Kingston upon Hull, The Wilderness West of Watford
On to Hull in wintry North England. Did you know that Hull is Egyptian-owned? Let’s hope they do not plan a Spring Revolution starting on Saturday. The team is playing so-so, either losing by a goal or winning by one, which sounds depressingly like the West Ham of recent years, if not this season. My prediction is West Ham will be eager to kick off their Bristol slump, score two first-half goals and never look back.
And here are some fun statistics. Do you know the most successful team ever to play in the Championship/2nd Division? Barnsley. Of course, that probably means they have been successful in not getting promoted to the Premiership/1st Division (except for that one year a few years ago, in which they were immediately relegated) or getting relegated to League One/3rd Division. Barnsley have played 2,933 games at that level, amassing 3,154 points, but winning only 1,009 times, a win percentage of 34. Not good; but their loss percentage is not that much worse, so lots of dull draws all round I guess.
Arsenal do not have any statistics of this manner, because annoyingly they are the only team that have never played outside the top league (how I would love for me to write one day that they did, and for a few weeks this season it looked like Tottenham would have joined them). Hull is sixth on the list; West Ham, 32nd, as only older readers of this blog will remember when we played in the Premiership.
Our statistics? And I did not do the maths for us before I did it for Barnsley, so we might expect shocking statistics here, too…!
Points gained, 1,619; played 1,337; won 585 (43%; phew!!!); lost 421 (including a massive 300 games away from home; 31%).
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