Margins and Stats

Championship, Tues., Aug. 16, 2011—7:45 p.m. EST
Vicarage Road, Watford, Hertfordshire
Watford 0 West Ham Utd, 4

Can you even remember the last time we won by this margin away from home? I do remember salivating over David Cross’ four away goals (the last, a volley off his shin; all against the pug-ugly Pat Jennings) against Tottenham in the early 80s, and then there was that 0-4 win against Chelsea, thanks to goals from Tony Cottee, Frank McAvennie and Alan Devonshire, but that was one of the best sides the Hammers have ever had.


Keeping on statistics, I was also trying to remember the last time we won two away games on the trot. Any idea? I think it was Birmingham and Reading in 07/08, and then I got obsessed, thinking, well, these are both now Championship sides, too, so when was the last time we beat two currently Premiership sides away from home in a row. The answer to that is this week’s question (see below), but the time before that, I believe, was back-to back games against Blackburn and Arsenal in 06/07, the last game still giving me nightmares—the Arsenal attack was utterly relentless, and after they had hit every piece of wood or body part of the West Ham goal and team, respectively, one rather had the impression that we’d win the game 0-1, which we did, thanks to that Bobby Zamora lurch and chip over the head of Jens “I’m Mad” Lehmann.

And when was the last time we even won two games in a row? That’s another question that does not fill me with too much joy, as it happened only once each season over at least the last two seasons. Last season, it was the Liverpool-Stoke games, of course.

Anyway, back to the Watford Wasting. I also said after the Cardiff game that I though Joey O’Brien had the making of perhaps a new Matty Etherington, and indeed in this game he got his first Hammers goal. The other successful deployment-of-ball-in-back-of-opposition-net came thanks to Carlton Cole (and I do not know why I always feel so relieved when he scores, as though I do not expect another for aeons (the same can be said of Frédéric Piquionne)), James Tompkins (who might be doubtful for the Leeds game) and Scott Parker.

One chap commenting on one of the Hammers forums said that Parker did not hastily join in the goal celebrations, and was this a sign that he has one foot out of the door? Probably he would not have celebrated his goal anyway, coming as it did in the 92nd minute when we were already 0-3 up.

And thanks to reader Jack Hess, who kindly will now send me the weekly “Hello Everyone!” newsletters from manager Sam Allerdyce, who actually signs off with a “Big Sam.” Here is one jewel of Mr. Allerdyce’s unique literary style (and it’s not really called “Hello Everyone!”)…

“As Watford began to falter in breaking us down because our defence was extremely solid, we then started to get in amongst them in midfield and Joey O’Brien scored the killer second just before half–time.”

Agh, you must love run-on sentences as much as I do. Well, I guess it’s not quite one, but the use of “because of” rather than “due to” needs some midweek work being done at the Chadwell Health training complex. As Alan Devonshire would have been able to tell Big Sam, “due to” is an adjectival prepositional phrase, because (used correctly here, please note, Mr. Allerdyce) it is modifying a noun, that being Watford’s breaking down, or perhaps “breakdown.” “Because of” is an adverbial prepositional phrase, one that modifies a verb.

Okay, that’s enough of me being very boring. I also saw in that newsletter that VIP hospitality for the West Ham-Leeds game costs £49 but includes “exclusive bar access” and “a free drink,” the latter rather cancelling out the initial delight of the former, I would have thought. As the rearranged Aldershot League Cup game is an evening kickoff, you can add “pie and mash” to this heady offering.

And lastly, talking of high scoring 0-something matches, my friend Brian, a Grimsby supporter (yes, there are some) wrote to me saying that Grimsby are so far down on their luck (they have had a spell in the Championship), they this week lost to Conference team Braintree 5-0. And do you know who currently manages Braintree, not too far up the road from West Ham? Not only the Dev himself, Alan “I’ll Take the District Line, thanks” Devonshire, who began its manager only in May. Hurrahs all round!!!!

This week, I’ve been all praise for West Ham, all criticism for its marketing staff (I am sure Big Sam doesn’t actually write his own material).