Carlos Tevez Returns (Almost) While Illunga is Shipped Out

October 7, 2011

I am trying to get the newsletter to you a little earlier this week, as I will be jetting off to the Turks & Caicos Islands on Friday. The TCIs are not the most exciting destination on Earth, and I—like Kieron Dyer sitting on the Upton Park bench—get restless very easily; apparently, the most exciting thing about the place is that its former Prime minister, who took full control of a newly created autonomous department within the Commonwealth, supposedly decided the island’s money was indistinguishable from his own, which led the United Kingdom to taking full control again. This sounds like West Ham’s relationship with Iceland, I thought. Do you remember when we were a billionaire's club/toy thing? This lasted for, oh, a week, between Barnie Barnsson Barnstormisson buying the club and the largest single fall ever in the Dow Jones Industrial. Sort of fun while it lasted.

I wrote a few weeks ago that I would not have been surprised if Carlos Tévez returned soon to the Hammers, and it almost turned out to be true. I almost felt smug. As is Paolo di Canio—who called his Swindon Town players “chihuahuas” this week (Why? They have short legs? Small brains? Both?)—Tévez would be awarded a huge cheer if he were to come back to his original British home, but apparently Manchester City are not interested. It’s a common theme nowadays when players get the “strop” to explain to them that the intended course of action is to let them merely rot on the sidelines. Our offer was, however, somewhat usurped by another offer from another football team for the Argentine’s silky services—Northern Irish Premier side Limavady United, whose average attendance is 100 and, so pitiful is its history, the Carlos Tévez “saga” (City did not respond) take sup half of its Wikipedia entry.

In other news, Henrita Illunga, our defender (remember him?), has been shipped out on loan for three months to Doncaster, which at the beginning of Sept. 24 was rock-bottom of the Championship but has since decided that winning is better, with seven points from nine to take them to eight and fifth from bottom. That’s far better than West Ham have done, but of course with the inclusion of Illunga, expect Rovers to catapult back down. Illunga is a curious thing, so good in his first season for us, so bad since. He reminds me of Sebastian Schemmel, who I believe won Hammer of the year one year. I’d be interested to see your other selections for players who were electric one year, the dog’s thingymagigs the next?



Championship; Saturday, Oct. 1, 2011; Selhurst Park, South London

Crystal Palace vs. West Ham Utd.

Another game with absolutely no television coverage. I missed following online the first half, but saw that we were 1-1; then—because I had been for a run—I was sitting there at 2-1 down, thinking, yes, really I should have a shower before the game ends, so when I emerged, I saw that John Carew had scored his first for us. From one shower to the next, you might say, but a point is a point. In his weekly newsletter, Big Sam used up a column to say very little of anything, although this gem—“Now having tested the squad, I am getting more and more confident that people can drop out and others can come in and deliver a performance as good as the lads they've replaced”—depresses me on both linguistic and footballing levels.

John Carew’s goal was very good, and George McCartney’s cross was brilliant. In fact, McCartney was involved in both games, so he takes the plaudits as the Hammer of the Day. I say all this having analysed 51 seconds of Russian-broadcast highlights.



The Next Match

Championship; Saturday, Oct. 15, 2011; Upton Park, East London

West Ham Utd. vs. Blackpool

After our disappointing run of games after the last international break (four games, 1 win, 1 loss, 2 draws, 5 points from 12), it must bode well that we have another global pause for when England get the one point it needs against Macedonia to secure plane tickets and iPod bans in the Ukraine and Poland next year for the Euro Champs, when we can all once again salivate over the Steven Gerrard-Frank Lampard question and as to whether John Terry is too old.

Blackpool hammered five past poor Bristol City, who are rock-bottom, last week, and David “Calamity” James was not even to blame, now keeping his upper thighs warm on the bench. Two points behind West Ham is its current spot, but we will put an end to its brazen race upwards.

Goals—Mark Noble, John Carew and Matty Taylor, 3-0