Indoor Footy, No Gear, No Problem

Dear Hammers,

March 1, 2012

I am heartened by the good wishes I receive regarding this blog-type thing about West Ham (“there’s West Ham, and there’s everyone else”), and I plan on continuing it. In this electronic world, there really is not address, but the writer of this—that would be me—is moving from New York City after 19 excellent years and heading back to his native London. At the moment it feels quite odd. I will miss many.

Last night I played my last indoor footy game with a group of mates, and I said, well, I want to play, but all my gear has been shipped out already. No problems, one of them said, just bring a pair of shoes, I have everything else…he did, which was most kind, but it was a full, top-to-bottom Portsmouth kit. Normally in our five- or six-a-side games, I am happy if I contribute well and perhaps score a goal or two, but last night—and I do not think anyone was being particularly nice as I was leaving—I was on fire and scored 11. That’s one more than 10! Of course, my mate said this was because I was dressed in full Pompey, which is a distressing thought. Usually I wear a navy or claret n’ blue Hammers shirt, and then the goals do not flow.

More direct West Ham information. The disappointing England friendly against the Netherlands had several Hammers connections. The new captain of England was Scott Parker, and I thought he played well in an England team that looked good without being impressive, and the caretaker manager was Stuart Pearce. Daniel Sturridge has had nothing to do with West Ham, and he missed a sitter that my gerbil would have scored. And even when we equalised, you had the sense that it would go pear-shaped, and Everton’s Leighton Baines must carry a little blame for not closing down Arjen Robben, who simply must not be allowed space.

Henri Lansbury scored a stunning, curled goal in the Under 21’s game against Belgium (why did the senior team play Holland, but the youngsters, the next-door nation?), which some are saying was an intended cross gone haywire.

More direct news, and there’s not much: Winston Reid was in action last night for New Zealand (hoe much flying was that?), and might have picked up an injury, doubtful for the Cardiff game on Sunday (when I’ll be in Merry Olde).

Last Match

Championship, Sat., February 25th, 2012; Upton Park, East London

West Ham 0 Crystal Palace 0

A fair result. Both teams could have nipped it. Manager Sam Allerdyce said that maybe it was an error of judgement on his part to field the same team that so impressively beat Blackpool 1-5, as they had played quite often in the last fortnight, and Palace had not. All in all, this was a game to forget, and Southampton used our mediocrity to jump back over us at the top of the Championship. We have a game in hand. Against Peterborough, I believe. Sam Baldock had the best two chances, minutes after coming on as a substitute, but Palace’s Argentine goalkeeper, Julián Speroni was impressive, as was our Robert Green, who saved brilliantly after a Palace shot deflected off James Tomkins. I felt that we were a team reborn when Carlton Cole came on as another substitute. He holds the ball so well, but he still seems to lack that killer instinct for goal. He needs one more for 10 for the season, which as I am sure you’ve realised already is one less than I scored just in last evening.

Next Match

Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales; 7:45 a.m.

This is a huge game for the Hammers, against a team still looking to get into the play-offs, if not get an automatic promotion place, and more importantly, we do not want Cardiff to join Ipswich in being the second Championship team to get a season double over us. It’s been a while since we played them, losing 0-1 in the season’s opener. I assume as this is a Sunday game, it was always scheduled as such, or was it because Cardiff had such an impressive League Cup run, losing in the final in much the same way—it’s been pointed out by many—that West Ham lost to Liverpool on that day that will not be said out loud back in 2006.

Dear Hammers,

March 8, 2012

I am looking out over the red-brick houses of Sydenham, Southeast London, as they rise towards the leafy confines of Sydenham Woods and Dulwich. The sky is blue. Yesterday was the usual English weather of hope punctuated by despond. So far since I moved back, the Hammers have gained four points out of six.

I can run to Crystal Palace in 10 minutes, but why would one want to? Actually, Selhurst Park, Screaming Alice’s home ground, is a little farther away, so the park at CP remains terra cognita. When I was young, we used to travel up from the outer reaches of London, by Kent, to stand on the only 10-metre diving board in the whole of London and contemplate whether we’d chuck ourselves off. Finally, we got the courage, which is more than I can say about going to CP to watch them play “football.”

My plan is to sort myself out, get a routine (not that that is something especially to aspire to) and then see if I can get a ticket for the Hammers. Some of you are based in London, I know; most are in New York City. As far as differences are concerned, 19 years after leaving Blighty, well, transport is expensive, bread and milk are not; in two decades, I never got used to pay $5 for a decent loaf in Manhattan, one with fibre and husk and goodness, not the white, spongy crap…anyway, blah, blah, blah.

West Ham news: Kevin Nolan is back and needed; Frédéric Piquionne has been shipped out to Championship strugglers Doncaster Rovers and scored a goal (of course) in his debut there. Apparently, according to Monsieur Piquionne, Donky will survive, as he regards himself as a warrior. Did he ever for us? He was born in Noumeia, the capital of the French overseas possession New Caledonia, which has had a guerrilla movement for nigh on 30 years, so maybe he is one. Presumably he’ll not be able to play in our next game, which is against his new team, Marek Stech also was shipped out to Leyton Orient on loan, perhaps because we do not want to pay Sparta Prague in the Czech Republic $1,000,000 if he plays a couple of more games for us, as I reported a couple of weeks ago.

One—or two—other things I’ve noticed about England. The first two writers in the Guardian’s weekend magazine write about absolutely nothing. The first: “the electricity bill arrived on Tuesday. Have you ever noticed…”; the second, “my father put raisins in the apple crumble…right there, life as I knew changed forever…” Sad stuff.

Last Matches

Championship, Sun., March 4th, 2012; Ninian Park, Cardiff, Wales

Cardiff City 0 West Ham 2

Championship, Wed., March 7th, 2012; Upton Park, East London

West Ham 1 Watford 1

The Cardiff win was one of our best results of the season, most notable for George McCartney adding himself to that lengthy West Ham personnel list of scorers. Is there anyone who plays for West Ham who hasn’t scored this season? Rob Green, perhaps. And his goal was a one-person dribble act, running along the left wing, cutting in, nutmegging and getting back on the rebound to score across the face of goal. By George, it were a gooden!

Of course it would not be the Hammers if that epic win was not followed by underperforming disaster. At least Ricardo Vaz Te spared us from blushes in the last few minutes. Two of the chaps I played football with weekly in New York, Henry and John, both support Watford, so I did not want them emailing me, telling me that I should have stayed in Manhattan and not have to go home to confront them beating us. Watford’s goalie is a Manchester Utd. loanee, by the way, so he is probably very good.

Next Match

Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 10 a.m. EST

West Ham Utd. vs. Doncaster Rovers

The Hammers are going through a little bad patch of bad home form of late, only picking up single points against both Elton John’s Boys 1st XI and Screaming Alice, so we have to put that right with a comprehensive win against basement boys Doncaster. My prediction: 4-1 to West Ham.

Dear Hammers,

March 15, 2012

Third! We’re in third!! How did this happen? On who’s watch did this happen, more to the point? Reading jumped over us with a draw against the team we came unstuck against, Doncaster (see below), but we must thank Donny for taking two points away from the Royals, even when we bemoaned them for doing the same to us. This still means I have a non-losing streak since moving to England, but a much tougher test of things will come against Leeds (also see below), I feel.

In news, well, there is great news in that Freddie Sears says he wants to see the season out at Colchester. My only question is, Is this far enough away? Doesn’t Carlisle also start with a C, or Cowdenbeath? As you know, I have never been a fan of his, seeing him as cut from the same cloth as Junior Stanislas and Zavon Hines, the kind of footballers that if they had to wear a monocle would line the lens rim with faux leopard fur. Here’s a question to illicit some disagreement. Who in your opinion is the worst striker the Hammers have ever had, with the proviso that you cannot pick Iain Dowie. I still have nightmares about Iain Dowie, but I am sure I am not alone in that.

As I looked at the team sheet against Doncaster, I said to myself, I said, Who’s this Collins chappie? Initially, I though James Collins had returned, a reason for celebration all around. But no. Did you see we picked up Stoke City’s Danny Collins on loan for the year? I guess Big Sam Allerdyce wanted some muscle in the middle, what with Matty Taylor bouncing up and down with injury and Kevin Nolan bouncing up and down with suspension.

And in possible but unlikely transfer rumour-news, West Ham might be securing the services of Chelsea midfielder Salomon Kalou, who’ll be a free agent at the end of the season. His wage requirements might be the sticking point, and, of course, whether West Ham gets promoted, I imagine.

Last Match

Championship, Sat., March 10th, 2012; Park, East London

West Ham 1 Doncaster Rovers 1

A huge disappointment, and what Big Sam can do to rally the troops will determine his season. One again we drop points at home, and once again we score a goal within the first 10 minutes only not to be able to repeat the trick for the final 9/10ths of the game. Doncaster has had a little bit of a resurgence of late, but still, we should never have lost. I for one do not want to go into the play-offs, I want automatic promotion, something we have never achieved, in case you didn’t know.

Next Match

Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Upton Park, East London; 11 a.m. EST

Leeds Utd. vs West Ham Utd…………………..**** note the start time in NYC (EST summer hours daylight thingymagig or whatever it’s called ****

Yet more agony! No, I do not propose that we will lose. We will not, we will win, but in order to see those three points firmly in the collection plate, we do all have to look at Neil Warnock’s ugly boat race for another 90-plus minutes. As you know, Warnock is a bore and detests West Ham for cheating, stealing, lying, misrepresenting, faking, bullying and, most of all, surviving. Warnock has since those heady Carlos Tévez days had a string of disastrous lifestyle choices at Crystal Palace and Queens Park Rangers, and did you also know that Warnock has managed almost as many clubs (13) as West Ham have had managers (14), which is rubbish, inn’t? It’s as Oscar Wilde said, Loosing one top-flight football club is unfortunate, losing 12 is foolish.” Or maybe he didn’t say that in exactly those worlds, but I think it is what he meant. Didn’t he go to Reading Jail, or Gaol, so he must be keenly looking at the Championship race this season, even from his grave in Paris.

West Ham does incredibly well on the road, against all footballing logic, as we have only done so-so at home. This is the game that marks our season, my friends….! Go down Legends at start roaring!!!!!

Dear Hammers,

March 22, 2012

With only a handful of games remaining, the fans at Upton Park are getting a little restless. Yes, we knew that Sam Allerdyce’s football was never going to be spectacular, but we’re used to a certain type of elegance, and it is just not forthcoming. Actually, very little is forthcoming. At this rate, I will welcome the return of Freddie Sears, who I do not like (I was rebuked last week for bemoaning him, the counter-argument being that he starts very few games, if none, and at least he is an attacking striker, rather than someone like Carlton Cole, who despite a few moments of brilliance, never looks comfortable going forwards).

Seen on many West Ham Websites are lists of Big Sam excuses for drawing games (he’s still better at drawing butter for his lobster), and it is getting thin. In his weekly message, he states that “we hope to get three points this Saturday” (my italics). I want blood and glory and successful tactics and then three points, not a mere suggestion that it would be quite nice. And I did hear the old excuse of injuries being another factor, so I was surprised to see James Tompkins in the line-up against Boro. He played very well. The player many think is missed, though, is Julien Faubert, who has added grit to the team this year. May he come back soon, but there can be no excuses as far as I can see: Kevin Nolan. Matty Taylor. Nicky Maynard. Cole. Mark Noble. Sam Baldock. We have the players that any Championship side would love to field. Our performances do not mirror our players, so is it the system we play? Is it that every side coming to Upton Park play the same way against us, perhaps letting us score early, then wearing us down and then getting an equaliser when the Hammers start to get panicky?

Lastly, we have signed Portsmouth (from whom players are sadly leaving left, right and center, including ex-Hammer Hayden Mullins (although no one is likely to take Tal Ben Haim, another player who played for us)) goalkeeper Stephen Henderson on loan, with a notion of signing him permanently in the summer…more evidence that poor Marek Stech will never play for us. You have to feel sorry for the chap.

Last Matches

Championship, Sat., March 17th, 2012; Elland Park, Leeds, Yorkshire

Leeds Utd. 1 West Ham 1

Championship, Tues., March 20th, 2012; Upton Park, East London

West Ham 1 Middlesbrough 1

It is all becoming rather like that joke about Arsenal, for those of us old enough to remember the 1970s. “You mean to tell me that the team’s name is simply Arsenal? Not, Arsenal 1-0?” This was West Ham’s fourth game in a row where the final score was 1-1, which is not a delicious, continued run of not being defeated, but rather eight points dropped. Helping somewhat is that other results have mainly gone our way, certainly with Reading losing against Peterborough, which as you know are our opponents in our catch-up game. Last night, both Blackpool and Cardiff could only get draws, too. I do not want to tempt fate, but the top two spots are the territory now of just three teams, or is it better to say that the second automatic spot is the territory of just ours and Reading? After correctly predicting Southampton would start to suffer at around Christmas, they have come about-turn, although Championship Player of the Year Rickie Lambert is so central to all their wins. It is also a fact, someone pointed out to me, that West Ham has not won a Tuesday-night game for seven years. Is that home and away? Regardless, it is a stunning fact.

Next Match

Championship, Sat., March 24th, 2012; Turf Moor, Burnley, Lancashire; 11 a.m. EST

Burnley vs. West Ham Utd.

I will stop making predictions. And certainly I am not going to predict a 1-1 score line. The clocks go forwards the one hour here in the UK on Sunday, so this game will be at 11 a.m. EST, while the games going on from that will be back to the usual five-hour time difference.