Plum Bottom

Dear West Ham United-loving New York Flyers,
As I said, during the off-season there will not be regular weekly updates, but I thought enough has gone on recently to warrant me raising my hand above the parapet and waving. I also waited until that inevitable—but still painful—day when the BBC removed West Ham from its Premiership link and shoved it forcibly into its Championship one…at least last season, when all teams were on 0 points, we started third from bottom, above Wigan and Wolves…this season, we start plum bottom already.
Gone of course from the Chadwell Heath training ground are Matthew Upson and Robbie Keane, but I am still confused as to the status of Kieron Dyer, who, my spies say, was seen running on the training pitch one. Did you know he was earning £83,000 a week, and that his deal also included £424,000 a season for image rights (!) and £100,000 as a loyalty fee, which I assume he still earnt. He only played for us 22 times, but who could argue he was not loyal if he at least was regularly driving in to sit on the physio’s lap.
Gone also are Demba Ba to Sunderland; Radoslav Kovacs (thank goodness) to FC Basel, and, not so shouted out across the loudspeaker system, Manuel Da Costa to Lokomotiv Moscow. I guess he was sent into exile in more ways than one, but I think I would have personally wanted him to stay. Presumably, he’ll play alongside Victor Obinna, right? As we know, most players have clauses in their contract saying they can leave if we get relegated…and talking about relegation, well, at least the Hammers are aware of the possibility and even see it once in a while, but Buenos Aires’ River Plate…no…but there they are, relegated to the Argentine second division for the first time in 110 years. The fans did not take it well. When West Ham go down, we just sulk for a while and wish bad things for Neil Warnock; River Plate fans, meanwhile, trash the stadium, get propelled back into Row YZ by water cannon and shoot a few traffic cops. And they were booted out by a team known as Belgrano de Córdoba, which hails from Argentina’s second-largest city and is named after the chap who designed the Argentine flag—Manuel José Joaquín del Corazón de Jesús Belgrano; he was also the person who the ship was named after that was sunk during the Falklands War.
Anyway, coming into West Ham are Kevin Nolan, which still surprises a few people, considering he was Newcastle’s captain last season, has scored 50 Premiership goals and seems to be a pretty decent player well liked by Toon fans. Was he at the end of his contract, or does he just want to be with Sam Allerdyce? Abdoulaye Faye is another one who cannot stand be away from Big Sam’s paternal arms, having played for the new manager’s former Bolton and Newcastle teams. He was out of contract at Stoke and also takes over the position from Ba as the Hammers’ token Senegalese, although the astute among you (which is all of you) will state that that Faye was born in Senegal, while Ba was born in France of Senegalese parents. Nolan’s signing might be important, especially as it is likely our talisman Scott Parker will leave. It shows players umming and erring as whether to leave that West Ham do show something resembling business.
Some among this newsletter’s populace recently were at Upton Park discussing our bright claret and blue future, where the largest statement, and from Breshnev Sullivan, was that the board made a mistake in hiring Avram Grant. You don’t say! We could have told you this after the Scott Parker halftime rant against West Brom, when everyone else was immediately asking if that wasn’t perhaps Grant’s duty.
And lastly, not that I watched it, but in the final of the CONCACAF Gold Cup, Mexico beat the U.S. due in part by two goals by forgotten Hammer Pablo Berrera. Mmmmm, pause for thought, or is that pause for fault, at least when he plays for us. Maybe next season’s team will be created around Nolan, Berrera and Julian Faubert?
Know any other news? Send to me at the above email address.

!!!pip-pip!!! COYI!!!!!