This has been the most dull week of football news as related to the Hammers as I can possibly remember, certainly when all the wires can deal with are that Richard Hall’s (who he?—Ed.) loan to nonleague Oxford City has been increased and Marek Stech’s loan to Yeovil (who they?—Ed) has been ended so that the Czech can once again warm the West Ham bench. Salivating?
Of course the reason for this was yet another pointless International Break, in which Septic Bladder (is this spelling correct?—Ed) at FIFA can complain about poppies being stitched onto boots and John Terry can again look very silly. Why can’t we all just get along? Or apparently, we can, as this nasty side of footy has moved from Black-vs.-White stupidity to one also involving Hispanics, notably Luis Suarez up there in Liverpoolland. Ex-Hammer Anton Ferdinand is part of the Terry row, and ex-Hammer Scott Parker has excelled in his performance in the first of the two international friendlies, against World Champions Spain. England won 1-0 in that game, as it did against Sweden, in our first victory over the blonde Vikings since 1968 when Martin Peters scored one of the goals and Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick & Tich’s Legend Of Xanadu was top of the pop charts.
So, more importantly, will this international break ruin West Ham’s upcoming fixtures? If we go with the form this season before and after the other break, then unfortunately the answer is yes. Thus we must concentrate and summon up to the fore all of Big Sam’s satanic prowess to avert disaster. Is the Dungeonmaster of Dudley up to the task?
Lastly, cheating in football—diving, pretending mortal injury, etc.—does raise its ugly head from time to time, as well as providing me with a very weak link to a story that affected me and sports last weekend. It is, I hope you agree, a hilarious one. Last week, I was very happily in Provence, France, and Tuscany, Italy, scouting for the players that will bring us Premiership glory for the first time next season. I arrived home late on Saturday. Next morning, I was to run the two 5K running legs of a duathlon. My friends and I had three teams of two, the runner running 5K, tagging to a cyclist who cycled 14 miles and who, in turn, tagged the runner who ran the final 5K. Us three runners all saw each other the whole way around the course, the cyclists continued the good work, and when we finished the last segment, we thought, my goodness, we might have won the first three spots. That was not to be, for we—amazed—found that we had been cheated out of first place by a team of two people who did not look as though they could have got up the stairs of my recent Tuscan villa, the cyclist of which had a basket on her bike. When we complained, the organiser asked, "are you saying this because of the way they look?" "Yes!" we said in unison, "exactly that!" We have no problem with being beaten, but by athletes.
We've since found—and such sleuthing and accompanied laughter has provided us with so much more fun that if we'd have been awarded the 1-2-3 placing on the podium—that one member of this team (and I am not making this up when I say they called themselves The Warriors) recently was "outed" for cheating in the New York City Marathon. Apparently, he ran the first 10K of the marathon in 76 minutes, did not cross the electronic timing mats at 20, 25 or 30K (instead, I probably imagine he took the subway to near the finish line) and finished in 4hrs15mins, that when his first 10K time would have suggested a finish time closer to 6hrs30mins. What makes people do this I do not know, and I am sure that they are displaying the very cheap duathlon trophies they "won" on their mantelpiece of their hovel in a desperate hope that their friends (would they have any?) will comment on them.
Actually, this is not all comical. There were hundreds of teams registered at at least $60 a team, so this cheating just leaves a very bad taste at best and real anger at worst. The Warriors have been handed a lifetime ban from CityTri events and will no more brandish their broadswords. In the absence of much Hammers news, that is the news.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 5, 2011; KC Stadium, Hull, Yorkshire
Hull City 0 West Ham Utd. 2
This was not the plain sailing the final score suggested. Goals came from Sam Baldock (quite the signing, isn’t he?), a goal I saw on some grainy YouTube footage (and the reason it is called footage, is surely because it’s principal task is to show football)—corner, back header, smash from two yards at the far post—and a wonderful goal that I did not see from Jack Collison. It’s nice to see him back from injury and hitting the back of the net. Perhaps those of you—I was in Paris—who went down to Legends and saw the game, including new chap, Nick, so I was told, can furnish me a better report.
Three points, though!
Next Match
Coventry City vs. West Ham Utd.
Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands
The last time I was at Upton Park (shamelessly) was when we beat Coventry 5-0 in the Premiership. That was in 2000, in a 5-0 thrashing in which Gary McAllister played for Coventry and Hammers goals came from Michael Carrick, Paolo di Canio (2), Javier Margas and Frédéric Kanoute. Oh, those were the days!
They should be ripe for the taking. The only point they’ve received in the last three games was from Doncaster Rovers, the bottom-placed club, who are one place below Coventry itself. And on Tuesday, the club’s director resigned. The only player I recognise from its team is Gary McSheffrey, who is really a Championship journeyman, despite—or because of—his four recent years at Birmingham City.
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