Septic Bladder

Dear Hammers,

Again, a rather boring week for news, and I really cannot be bothered to report of some extended loan transfer of a player who has never played, or rarely, for the First XI. I did see co-chairman David Gold tweeted—or in newspaper parlance, “blasted”—FIFA puppet Septic Bladder for his ridiculous statement that racism is not a serious problem in football (in life?) that cannot be sorted out with a good ol’ manly handshake. It would have been disgusting, but also somewhat brilliant for writers, if he has not said “handshake” but instead replaced “handshake” with a nice, patronizing “pat on the head.” Gold said he should resign, so expect that to be a done deal, as obviously Gold has huge influence in…er…actually, nowhere…not even Leyton.

And mildly of interest—only if it results with the whole team and management off to do a 10-stretch in Wormwood Scrubs—are the continuing allegations that Karen “Rottweiler

Brady’s phone was tapped, supposedly by accountants hired by a certain team in white from North London. With its manager—and formerly ours—in the dock on tax-evasion charges, too, but also the team playing (sound of gnashing teeth) some absolutely superb football, this might be an interesting time for F.C. Rooster. I imagine all these intercepted calls are concerning the move to the Olympic Stadium, a quest that is as quiet as a dodo right now.

Quite a number of us popped down to Legends (6 W. 33rd St., between 5th and 6th aves.) last Friday night for the Supporters Clubs’ annual drinkfest, and even though West Ham has hardly been on the idiot box all year, we were the club with the highest attendance. Does this say volumes of our love for the claret n’ blue or for lashings of free beer. There even were some good ol’ East London knees-up sing-alongs with the ol’ Joanna…actually, hearty renditions of “Bubbles,” which got some local photographers all a-gush and snappy. Expect to see some photos. Anyone have any they can pass along for the general merriment of your West Ham brothers and sisters? I half expected to see someone pull out an old Christmas LP by Mrs. Mills. Does anyone sadly remember her single, “I Was Queen Victoria’s Chambermaid”. Unfortunately, I heard this every Christmas for a decade growing up. Luckily it had not long-term effect, although maybe I am not the one to judge.

And we did get news that the Derby game will be shown live (see below), and we’re really hoping that we can get a large crowd, especially as Saturday will be the third day of what here in Americaland is the Thanksgiving Holiday. Jack Keane, ye godlike muse, down at Legends has been really good to us and will scan every broadcast worldwide at the merest sniff of the Hammers, so let’s get out in fine voice.



Coventry City 1 West Ham Utd. 2

Championship; Sat., Nov. 19, 2011; Ricoh Stadium, Coventry, West Midlands

Mrs. Mills (and you really should subject yourself to a little. Life should not always be roses and champagne) also had an LP out (that’s old-people speak for CD) called “Look Mum, No Hands,” and that is an apt, albeit strained segue to Frédéric Piquionne’s winner against Coventry that he headed in about two inches off the ground, if my spies’ reports are to be believed.

Piquionne tweeted in the week that he was looking to score, as he felt he was fourth or fifth in the West Ham striker pecking order, which might be true. John Carew started the match off with in-form Sam Baldock, and he was substituted at the expense of Carlton Cole, so the bottom line is that Big Sam Allerdyce was quite the man with the plan on Saturday, as he scored the equaliser. I was following on line, of course, and it all looked mean to a certain point, with Southampton 3-0 up and the Hammers 0-1 down.

Common consensus is that Baldock and Cole should start against Derby, and it is also thought by those with their noses to the wind that West Ham’s own Frank Lampard-Steven Gerrard conundrum is Carew and Cole playing alongside one another. Your thoughts?



Next Matches

Derby County vs West Ham Utd.

Baseball Ground, Derby, Derbyshire

Saturday, November 26, 2011; 12:20 p.m. EST

This is the late game on the Saturday and thus on. Hurrah! I have only seen the Hammers twice this season, the season opener, where we collapsed in the last five minutes against Cardiff, and the 4-3 win against Portsmouth in early September that was an exercise in patience over the static of a continually “dropping” computer feed. The Derby game is on Sky, I believe, so expect the horror of seeing Kevin Nolan’s mug in high definition.



West Ham Utd. vs Middlesbrough

Upton Park, East London

Tuesday, November 29, 2011; 2:45 p.m. EST

There is no European photo on this Tuesday night, so do not be surprised if suddenly the Hammers are on two games in a row. I’ll see if I can find out on Saturday…but you’ll be there, too, won’t you!

Our victory against Coventry and Middlesbrough’s tie against Blackpool leaves us three points clear of Middlesbrough. Of course, there are this Saturday’s games to come, but we could potentially leave Middlesbrough trailing in our wake in the same of two weeks. That is what will happen.